Too dangerous too be left with women!

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goldfish21
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12 Apr 2018, 1:34 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Not going to these sorts of bars would be a big help, IMHO.


^This. I think Jamesy would benefit from having some other actives aside from 'the bar' and also maybe try going to a different bar. If he's been going there 4 years and mostly gets negative feedback chances are he's gotten a bad reputation regardless of why...sometimes it is easier and better to just start out fresh.


And if he does do that, he should take into consideration all of the criticism he's gotten from people at this place in order to try to do better at the next.

But people are creatures of habit and they go where they're familiar with with the people they're familiar with.. even if they catch a lot of flack.

Prime example, one of the main dj's at a club I used to bartend at was hopelessly Aspie. I know he's on disability so must have a diagnosis of something, but I'm not sure if he has a diagnosis of ASD or not - or if he's even self aware he's on the spectrum. I never asked him, nor talked about myself. (plus I didn't know my own diagnosis when I worked there and have rarely seen him since.) Anyways, he's what I'd call.. a "loveable loser." A lot of people give him a lot of crap and make jokes at his expense because he's one of the biggest dorks EVER, but at the same time he's very nice, friendly, and people certainly don't hate him.. and it was a place where he felt he fit in, and to a degree he did. So, even though he caught a lot of crap from people there, he also got a lot of love in terms of social interaction and feeling like he had a purpose spinning music for the crowd and all that. If you focused only on the negative parts, you'd recommend he not go there.. but the good he got out of going outweighed the bad.. and even though he caught a lot of crap for being a dork, it was a place where he Could be a dork and no other bar would have given him a dj job and the regulars at other bars wouldn't have been so tolerant of his weirdoness.

So, I can understand full well why Jamesy may be reluctant to change locals. If he stays at this one, the best thing he could do is simply try to do & be better in every way.


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Last edited by goldfish21 on 12 Apr 2018, 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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12 Apr 2018, 1:35 pm

To tell somebody that he's a pervert-----when he's probably not one---is not helpful

That's what the guy was telling Jamesy. That he's a dangerous man. Do you think that's helpful---especially if Jamesy is merely awkward and not dangerous?

Women shouldn't be left alone with male perverts. Or males who are interested in harming them in some way. Awkward men almost always don't fit that description.

What would be helpful is if this guy makes suggestions, directly, pertaining to how Jamesy carries himself---and is realistic about it, not insulting about it.

I have suspicions, based on what he's written----that Jamesy is awkward, and that he is somewhat provocative at times, and gets himself into trouble for stupid reasons---but that he is not dangerous.

Truly, though, without actually knowing the guy, I can't really CONCLUDE anything.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 12 Apr 2018, 1:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sweetleaf
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12 Apr 2018, 1:38 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
Awkward shy guys rarely turn out to be dangerous to women. Meanwhile the actual sociopaths are quite good at being charming and passing for normal.

Yes you're right goldfish21, Jamesy may be off putting to women. How can he rectify that problem?


That depends on what his problems are. He may need the input of an actual friend to tell him. Once he's aware of the behaviours/appearance issues that others find off putting, then he can begin to figure out how to correct them. How? Depends on what they are. He might change his appearance, make an effort to change his posture or body language, make an effort to learn/improve various social skills via one of many methods. Entirely depends on what the problems actually are and what works to help him improve them.


Well I don't get the impression it was a friend who was telling him this...if it was his friend then it would be less likely to be bullying as they'd be trying to help not put him down. But I think in this case its more likely the person was putting him down by saying that not trying to help.


You're probably right. But at the same time, even if the guy is an a-hole, that doesn't mean there isn't value in his feedback & criticism for Jamesy to learn & grow from. Sometimes it takes jerks willing to speak their minds to learn these things from whereas polite people and friends might not want to offend us. That's all I'm saying here.


I suppose I don't see the value in 'people with mental health issues are too dangerous to be left with women' that's just a stigmatizing comment towards people dealing with mental health issues.


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kraftiekortie
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12 Apr 2018, 1:40 pm

^^^That's exactly what this is. There is no other interpretation, I find.

Jamesy has to try to find classier places to hang out, in my opinion.



goldfish21
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12 Apr 2018, 2:29 pm

Difference of opinion, I suppose.

I think there's value in even critical feedback like he received. Chances are the guy does view Jamesy as awkward, and that might be perceived as a threat to women - actually by women. So, Jamesy could use this feedback to try to improve himself and his behaviours so that others don't think of him this way.


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kraftiekortie
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12 Apr 2018, 2:51 pm

Yep. Difference of opinion. The guy was a jerk, pure and simple.

Most women don't view "awkward" guys as being dangerous. Most women view "awkward" guys as "awkward." Which has many implications----but "dangerous" isn't one of them (unless a woman is irrational, in my opinion).



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12 Apr 2018, 6:58 pm

You don't seem like the type who's too dangerous to be left with women. I also agree about going to places other than the bar as well. Park people are much more nicer and pleasant than bar people.


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12 Apr 2018, 7:03 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The guy who was telling this to Jamesy probably was some bored guy with nothing better to do.


I hate people like that. They really get my dander up.


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kraftiekortie
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12 Apr 2018, 7:44 pm

He's the kind of guy who would not benefit from the bar milieu. It suits some people; it doesn't suit, probably, most people.

I don't benefit from it, either. I haven't gone into a bar in years. I just don't like the smell of them---or the people in them.



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12 Apr 2018, 9:02 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
Awkward shy guys rarely turn out to be dangerous to women. Meanwhile the actual sociopaths are quite good at being charming and passing for normal.

Yes you're right goldfish21, Jamesy may be off putting to women. How can he rectify that problem?


That depends on what his problems are. He may need the input of an actual friend to tell him. Once he's aware of the behaviours/appearance issues that others find off putting, then he can begin to figure out how to correct them. How? Depends on what they are. He might change his appearance, make an effort to change his posture or body language, make an effort to learn/improve various social skills via one of many methods. Entirely depends on what the problems actually are and what works to help him improve them.


Well I don't get the impression it was a friend who was telling him this...if it was his friend then it would be less likely to be bullying as they'd be trying to help not put him down. But I think in this case its more likely the person was putting him down by saying that not trying to help.


Maybe this bully at the bar shouldn't be left alone with women.


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kraftiekortie
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12 Apr 2018, 9:28 pm

Yep...that’s called projection. :D



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12 Apr 2018, 9:47 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
Awkward shy guys rarely turn out to be dangerous to women. Meanwhile the actual sociopaths are quite good at being charming and passing for normal.

Yes you're right goldfish21, Jamesy may be off putting to women. How can he rectify that problem?


That depends on what his problems are. He may need the input of an actual friend to tell him. Once he's aware of the behaviours/appearance issues that others find off putting, then he can begin to figure out how to correct them. How? Depends on what they are. He might change his appearance, make an effort to change his posture or body language, make an effort to learn/improve various social skills via one of many methods. Entirely depends on what the problems actually are and what works to help him improve them.


Well I don't get the impression it was a friend who was telling him this...if it was his friend then it would be less likely to be bullying as they'd be trying to help not put him down. But I think in this case its more likely the person was putting him down by saying that not trying to help.


Maybe this bully at the bar shouldn't be left alone with women.


That's what I was thinking.


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