Endgame

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I know right?

That's what most of the argument is about in the first place! I told her she doesn't communicate well enough and then she told me I should just know these things. I told her that if she has a problem she needs to tell me in plain and clear language and she said she shouldn't have to tell me these things.

She's fairly talkative when she's happy but when I've made her mad she gives me the silent treatment which leaves me wondering what I've actually done wrong, which is a horrible feeling. I feel like I've been tried and convicted without ever being told what the crime was.

By the time she finally tells me what I did wrong it's often too late to solve it, whereas if she'd told me immediately I could have fixed it easily. E.g. if she'd told me immediately after we left the donut shop we could have gone to another restaurant but she waited until we were out of the city. E.g. if she'd told me before we went into the donut shop (when I asked her if she still wanted a donut) we could have gone to another restaurant.

One of her incomprensible habits is that she likes snacking immediately before a big meal.

One time she filled me up with pocky sticks and then immediately afterwards asked me to order pizza for us. I refused on the basis that I was already full.

It's difficult for me to understand her eating habits because she eats like a horse but she always stays thin. I'd kill for her fast metabolism.

“Buy me a donut.”

“Make me a sammich.”

Dangit if this doesn’t sound eerily familiar.

I suspect I know what’s happening, but I don’t want to tell you something that sends what might be a good relationship into a tailspin.

Here’s what I would do, because if the relationship is ending, you need to draw it out of her.

Go out and eat somewhere nice that you know she likes but somewhere you know you have a little privacy. If you cook for her, that’s fine, too. Ask her ONE QUESTION and see what she says: “Are you really happy in this relationship?” Not as a breakup line, but just trying to understand her better. I can’t really say what else to do right now, but I’d like to know what she says and where the conversation goes from there.

There’s a saying: “It’s better to be happy than right.” I disagree. When you do the “yes dear” thing to your woman about EVERYTHING, she will tend to be resentful, bitter, and actually become more demanding and bossy as you progress. Insisting on boundaries and standing your ground where it counts is actually healthy in a relationship. Failing to draw lines will make you both insane.

If THAT is what’s causing your relational problems, your relationship can be saved. The resident feminists here are going to hate this, but a lot of times girls who act that way want to be “put in their place.” It’s double edged sword, though. If you don’t do it, you’re weak. If you do it, you’re controlling and abusive. So you need to start by asking yourself how well you really know her and if taking a much more assertive approach will actually work. The girl I
almost married was like that. I just wasn’t comfortable playing those games. People end up in prison that way.

But, yeah...start by asking her if she’s really happy to be in this relationship with you. Give it another two weeks and revisit. If you aren’t satisfied that anything positive can come of it, consider a breakup. You probably already know my formula for a breakup.

It's ok. You can tell me. I won't immediately tailspin the relationship based on what you reveal.


It's not that I want to "yes dear" her about everything, it's just that I want to end the cycle of revenge. A lot of our problems are caused by prolonged esculation. I'll get back at her and and she'll get back and me and I'll get back at her and she'll get back at me, etc. This, more than anything else was driving me insane.

I don't want to say she was right but when the conflict has grown so far out of control that we can barely remember what the original subject of dispute was, saying who was right is largely irrelevant. All that matters at that point is ending the cycle of revenge and the only way I can do that is to leave some slight unavenged.

When she makes "you should just know these things," sort of statements.. it makes me wonder if she's right & what she's describing is your momentary aspie obliviousness to "common sense," things.

Is she aware you're on the spectrum and how it affects you?

I know you've said you've told her you need clear direct communication, but I think she needs to have this reiterated so that she comprehends that you actually need that and you're not intentionally making mistakes about things she things you shouldn't.

People are all very free and easy with their advice but you have to think about her privacy too. This is all a bit public, don't you think?

If she finds out about these threads, you'll be sorry.

They are already in an established relationship - this is not a first time date.

Yes it was not a smart idea, if a girl invites me to a donut , ok I would let it pass as is, I wouldn't make a fuss out of it like "OH how dare you invite ME to a donut? " or gives a silent treatment . It's just a little thing that doesn't deserve a drama over it, If I still hungry I would just make a sandwich at home later.

Making a drama out of it as if he did something sinister is very stupid - and concerning; this leads to a walking-on-eggshells life.

I could agree with you about the photos but not about he telling us the facts.

She wouldn't like me telling you the facts either. She says I shouldn't talk to other people about our problems and I answer that the reason I have to talk to other people about our problems is because she refuses to talk about our problems.

And remember that 10 minutes before we went into the donut shops she said she wanted a donut. Why would you make a fuss if you asked for a donut and then someone gave you a donut?

I won't walk on eggshells because then she'll expect me to do it all the time.

Divide et impera. But perhaps you should delete the pics.

Ok, but I was going to say I think she’s trying to get rid of you.

Just ask her if she’s happy with the relationship and see what she says.

A lot of times women will play those games, creating a standoff and try to as long as it takes. If this is the case, the desired response is that you don’t ever back down. Conquering a man is a cheap thrill for such a woman to be sure. But a pattern of behavior that keeps her above you is inappropriate. She should be equal with you, not above nor beneath you.

So if the point is to make you put her in her place and stop these stupid games, be tough, be harsh, and be unrelenting. Don’t worry about the revenge because you are going to hang in there long enough that you’ll wear her down and she’ll be more submissive. I suspect that’s what she wants, to be submissive, to be “won.” She doesn’t want to be abused. That’s not what this is about. She just wants to see your soul, that you are passionate about something, and that you care enough to be jealous of her.

Start by asking her if she’s happy. I’m intensely curious about this bit, because this alone holds the key to whether you even need an endgame. If you feel she sincerely wants to stay in the relationship, then we can fix this. If not, consider releasing her.

It’s somewhat blackmail. Two weeks down the road, you can point to today as really the turning point when you knew you were better off apart. Because you care about her and know she’ll never be happy with you, it’s time to move on to someone or something else that does make her happy. When you’re in that place and can steal the initiative in a breakup, it’s easy to do it gently because everyone involved can see it coming. You can also point out that, in a way, it was her idea to begin with.

Sure, it seems like a mean trick to play on someone. But when was a breakup ever NOT cruel? Better that than end it fighting.

Yes, or at least hide her face with a big smiley or something.

I don’t have a problem with what you’re doing, Retro. Asking for help is not the same as gossip. There is safety in Internet anonymity, too. I often relate problems my wife and I experience even though I wouldn’t dare discuss this stuff IRL with people who know us. People also view us as this sweet, cute, innocent couple. If they knew half of our past and the kinds of things we’ve done, we probably wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the social circles we’re in. But I do pass along things I think might be helpful for others.

As a rule, though, it’s bad form to invite other people into your relationship like that. Nobody wants their junk out in public. Just be careful.

One thing that is an absolute no-no REGARDLESS of who you talk to is you never, EVER insult or demean your partner. I don’t come on WP to make fun of my wife, I don’t complain about her, and I don’t call names. By complaining, I mean endless whining about things that don’t really matter and doing nothing to change things. If this is what you do, then why are you even with this person? Language like “always” and “never,” for example, shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary when you talk about your SO. Making jokes about her to your friends is uncalled for.

The short version: you’ve come in here doing nothing but holding your gf in the highest regard while asking for help in resolving what for you is a difficult situation. You’re good. Keep us updated as this unfolds.

And...yeah, posting the photo might have been a bit much. But she is very pretty.

And you have a copy of Serenity in your library??? Awesome!

Okay here's the way I see it:

You already know that she has a habit of snacking before meals. So you knew that.

You had plans and were on the way to a restaurant.

She passed a donut shop on the way to the restaurant and wanted a donut before her meal. As stated before, you already know she has this habit.

But you said no because you were on the way to the restaurant.

You found out the restaurant was closed so you left.

As you passed the donut shop again, you bought her the donut.

So what I got out of this was that you got her the donut as a cheap replacement for the dinner she was expecting.

My question is: Upon seeing that the restaurant was closed, why did you not suggest another restaurant, since you were already there?

It sounds to me like she was upset because - here's the thing - you were sort of in the position of the host. You were the one who suggested a meal at a restaurant. So when you found out the restaurant was closed, what you probably should have done was to find another mutually agreed upon one on the spot. What you probably should have done was turn to her and say "Well the restaurant I was going to take you to is closed - what do YOU want to do?" Because then you have placed the responsibility on her shoulders.

Instead, you gave her a donut, which yes, she had wanted - but as a SNACK. Because as stated, you already know that she has a habit of doing this.

Anyway, for sure you guys are going to have to work out your communication, because this "getting back" at each other will eventually be the end for you both.