A girlfriend is not a lost puppy.

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Ok, fine.. you like titles? Engineering Technologist here, and also, AFAIK, more socially successful than either of you - and IMO that counts for something in these discussions.

It depends how you measure success. If you sucessfully find a loving partner that you remain with for life, is that not success in love? And just like absolutely any process, in engineering or cooking or whatever, you've got to start with steps 1, and 2, before completing 3-10.* (*Sometimes people can safely skip steps, obviously.) Advice aimed at getting a date or sex is valid because it's how long term relationships are initiated.

Except that LTR's start as first dates or even hookups and I betcha I get more of those than any other active member on this site. I've literally had Hundreds. So, the communication process from zero to getting someone to agree to meet you to getting them to consent to being intimate with you? Those things I Know and can help teach.

Maintaining a LTR? I've never done it, but I could. I've turned down many offers to date people I wasn't that into. I advise friends and family on their relationships when asked.

You discounting my experiences as valueless because your goals are different is simply an excuse not to learn from someone, IMO.

And if those things weren't obvious to you before that, then it may have been valid advice.

Back to Sabreclaw's post: If those guys didn't have difficulty attracting someone, they wouldn't be advised to make themselves more attractive, would they? CLEARLY if someone isn't attracting others it's not EVERYONE else' fault and thus there must be something they need to work on.. whether it's physical fitness, fashion sense, social skills, hygiene, communication skills etc or some combination - who knows? But if someone isn't attracting others, it's themselves they need to work on. Full stop.

Ding ding ding ding! This entire post is FANTASTIC info for those that need to read it.

Bolded the bit about why I choose to remain single. Unless I feel that I'm in a position to positively contribute to someone else' life, AND we're mutually into one another (which has never happened), then I'm not going to enter into a relationship. Pretty simple stuff here.

No, I'm not concerned about titles at all. Are you really sure that you are more socially successful than I am (if we exclude getting laid, of course)? After all, I'm not against NDs adapting to society and becoming socially successful. I'm against the idea that a relationship has anything to do with social learning & success.



In science, if you start with the wrong premises you are simply wasting your and others time. So, instead of postulating that dating and having sex is step 1 in a long-term relationship, take a more neutral approach. Do some research. Ask people about their preferences. Don't assume that everybody else is similar to yourself. In short, start doing science instead of religion.

Please feel free to quote any posts of mine and show me where I've been condescending or self congratulating. I've posted openly about my life, posted about achievements and the work I've done to achieve them, but I don't write posts saying "I'm so great," or "I'm the best." More like "I accomplished this, and this is the work I did to do it." If you think that's condescending or self congratulating then your thoughts are distorted due to depression.

Once again, Fnord & I communicating isn't ridicule. We're two people on a similar wavelength who've managed to succeed at a few things in life and share the process of how we managed to do it so that others might learn from it and follow suit if they choose to do so.

That is Very good of you to do for your family. I'm 35 and rent from my parents. I could leave, but when I moved here I needed their help, now from time to time with my father's cancer treatments and fluctuating health - they need mine. It's a good deal financially for both of us, too, and until my grandmother's estate is settled they could use my rent money. After that they can coast through life just fine for the rest of their days. I'll likely stay to take advantage of the inexpensive rent vs. blowing ALL of my money on rent vs. saving towards school because rent here is INSANE, then I'll move if/when I have to relocate for school. Different people, different situations/goals etc. I respect your reason for staying home waaaaaay more than you realize. Good on you for doing it!

No one said you were awful - that's your own thought telling you that. Fnord and I and others are not Fake News. Your perception that we're not trying to help, spitting at people etc isn't so. You think those things because you feel miserable and hopeless. Like anyone who is "above," me in success, they share their success with me to help lift me up to their level, not to push me down and keep me there. Your thoughts are distorted & you need to consciously change your perception of others. We are Not holding you back - you are. We are telling you how you can lift yourself up, raise your frequency, elevate your vibe.. and live a happier, healthier, wealthier life of abundance & joy vs. depression and scarcity. Never Ever have either of us told you "We're up here, you stay right there," but rather it's "We made it here, and this is how - come join us."

I'm sure you had infinitely more dates than I had ( 100 / 0 is infinite). As I have already claimed many times, and also proved in Aspie Quiz, NDs dislike dating, and dating is not even an effective way for NDs to get into a relationship.



For me, an LTR is a process involving a crush and that will ideally last for several years. I don't think your advice to go up and talk to a stranger girl and ask her for a date will be of much help for me.



No, I'm discounting them because I have experienced the best way for NDs to get into LTRs.

One person's sad experiences do not set the standard for everyone else.

This thread is disgusting.

Too much projections.

"guys want lost puppies", "guys want sex slaves" .....etc

Frankly, posts complaining about guys complaining about their love struggles are becoming more common than posts where guys are complaining about their love struggles.

Are you referring to somebody in particular? Who is it that has sad experiences?

Did you ever stop to wonder why? Did it ever occur to you that those who "complain about complaining" are actually just fed up with the same "can't get a girlfriend" complaints from the same people year after year. If only those people who "can't get a girlfriend" would spend as much time and energy ion self-improvement as they do in complaining ... maybe then they would realize that a girlfriend is not something that you get; instead, a girlfriend is someone whom you attract.

But no, that makes too much sense, takes too much effort, and violates their personal narrative of loser-hood.

Last edited by Fnord on 10 Sep 2018, 8:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

[quote="rdos"][quote="superaliengirl"

Of course not. Relationships are not meant to fix mental health, but it is still good for people to be in relationships and if you are lonely a relationship will "fix" that.


No a relationship shouldn't be to fix lonliness. You should feel comfortable within yourself and be fine being alone for a relationship to be true, otherwise you're just curing your lonliness and might only love your partner because he/she makes you less lonley. Also no one wants to date someone like that in the long run, that's the truth. You should be two separate people with your own lives in a relationship who share things. It's just like having a best friend except there's also more to it. Some people may want a clingy partner, someone who only has their partner and no one else to talk to in the entire world, but most people want someone to share their life with and who will also share things with them unless you're lucky. I've been a super lonley person dating someone who wasn't and they always had things to tell me but I never had anything, that's kinda embarrassing. That person could just as well have dated himself because I didn't contribute much. Since then i've actually made effort to get more social.

A relationship is work. It doesn't just move forward on its own, it's constant compromising and at times things will get rough and you have to fight through those times. All relationships romantic or not take work. Ask anyone who's married.

And yes like I said you should be able to share hardships with a partner but that's the key - share them, don't expect your partner to fix them. You partner can act as support that's all but if support is all you need you may just as well go make a friend, take to a family member or see a therapist. A partner isn't some magical creature who will solve everything. Love doesn't fix mental health yet i've heard many people who literally does expect that to be true. Sure if you really love someone they make you happier but at the end of the day your problems from before still exist unless you did something about them prior to the relationship.

There is nothing romantic about being a lost puppy, it's pretty sad. We all have the ability to save ourselves and that's the secret to life. A lot of people recieve good advice daily but never take it and then go right home and complain about how sad life is. Those people who are happy out there they're happy because they took the advice long time ago and they're the same people who have happy, long-lasting relationships too. Don't sit around and be some lost puppy, become indepedent and strong and you attract likeminded people. Someone sitting in a corner being sad and lost is not attractive. Brutal but yeah, true.

The only ones I see who are objectifying 'girlfriend' are you and the OP.




The only thing I wonder about is why they don't just click sign out if that forum bothers them that much.

Then you have missed the point.It is not just a few posts in a few fora on this website alone; it is on other websites and in real life -- you can't just "sign out" from a co-worker or a relative.

I agree that the purpose of a relationship should not be to fix loneliness. It's more like something that would go along with it.



I'm certainly comfortable with myself, and I enjoy being alone, but not everybody is like that.



I'm not the clingy type, and I don't think sharing life events is so important. I'm more the "type" that want to be close to my love regularly and have some regular exchanges, but those don't need to be verbal or conversations.



That sounds a lot like incompatibility.



It's not work in the regular sense. I'd call it effort instead of work. Work is something that involves transactions, and I don't find the "transaction model" of love useful.



Agreed. You shouldn't expect your partner to fix or do anything.



Sure, there is nothing wrong with becoming independent and strong. What's wrong with most of the advice here is the postulate that if you learn how NTs work in relationships you will get successful yourself, something that is completely wrong.

Of course, you can. You just ignore them. Easy. That's a social skill you know.