"But a woman's number of options doesn't matter!"

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That reminds me of my mom's philosophy that EVERYTHING is my choice. Come to think of it, just the bad things. For the good things I am lucky in her opinion. It's an awful philosophy (akin to pessimism). I understand about finding what's in our control and doing our best with that, but there is a significant amount outside our control. And it is hard to know which is which... The problem I have is that is often a little truth to most things, so it's hard to refute, but backing off on superlatives helps.

For example, right now I have something to do but haven't committed to doing so (I've made some effort but not much, I've had a couple rejections): clearly this is in my head and I am well aware of that. On the other hand there is another effort I've made and really put myself out there but haven't gotten desired results b/c so much of it is outside my control. Knowing which, when.

RE: online dating, I'm surprised of how many friends I have that met their partners online (most in their late 30s or later) --- I love this true story... a friend of mine posted a fairly horrible picture (not to deter anyone, just that this person didn't need to show off - or maybe subconsciously my friend was saying "I'm not playing a game"). This person's friends said there'd be no "hits" and there weren't. When my friend went to close the account … there was a PM: "your picture is awful, I can take a better one for you". Long story short: My friend is married (to that photographer).

I will apologize for speaking too flippantly. That obviously did not convey the message I wanted it to.

To clarify the point I wanted to make, I'll start with noting there is big difference between saying "the biggest barrier" and the "only barrier." I do not believe I have ever said nor implied the later, although it must have seemed that way. What I have done is try to point out to people the ways some people unknowingly self-sabotage.

I have so been there, done that. Until one day an ex told me something I was finally ready to hear. It made a big difference. I could not have successfuly been in a relationship before I started dating my husband at 34.

I was in a social group where we were all in our thirties and single. And we were all awful at dating. One guy was so desperate he once went down his contact list in alphabetical order. Every last person in that group has since married. And stayed married. Including Mr. Alphabet order.

I am not trying to discourage or belittle or make light of anything for anyone. I was there. There can be numerous reasons people struggle with dating, but often (NOT always) the answer is as simple and as frustrating as not being ready for a relationship. It takes a LOT to make relationships work. It isn't easy to actually be ready.

But instead of realizing that, we tend to get all up in our heads inventing other reasons and subjecting ourselves to rejection instead of experiencing life and actually becoming ready. My biggest regret from my single years is all the time I wasted worrying about and analyzing the situation. I guess no one ever wants to hear it, but I would love to prevent others from having the some regret.

This forum isn't the place for me. I think it's served it's purpose.

I need to find a hobby.

Find a hobby, and share it with us

I would agree. The problem doesn't originate in our heads. The problem is that we constantly and relentlessly face nothing but rejection, and that messes with our heads.

And then people blame our negative reactions to constant rejection, and the resulting attitudes formed for why we can't date, which is ridiculous because we had no greater success prior to the formation of those attitudes, and the lack of success we had was what caused the attitudes to manifest in the first place.

I'm beginning to feel like it's just not worth talking to certain people about the topic of chronic romantic loneliness.

Because some people have never had anything close to this problem, they have a very hard time understanding where we're coming from, so they make uncharitable assumptions about us to enforce their world view that anyone can get a partner if they want to, because that's been their experience.

Last edited by The Grand Inquisitor on 08 Sep 2019, 5:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wtf
I’ve been ready for a relationship for 15 years
It I’m not good enough according to all the single women in my state.
So don’t tell me it’s my fault and that I’m just not ready and self sabotaging, I get told over and over how I’m not good enough, they want a guy with his life together(good job, car, own place) and who’s attractive.
I can’t change women’s minds, I can’t make them date me. I can’t and won’t ever be what they want.

Yes similar to how rich people think it’s easy to be rich and anyone can do it cause they never struggled to be rich.

I see why people like Dox47 leave this place. Maybe I should do the same.

Wasnt that to do with the divisive nature of american politics though? Echo chamber leaning to the left sort of thing.
Not following

In some cases I really do think certain people are not ready for a romantic relationship. I'm NOT saying your one of them sly. However lots of time I think it's a case of some of us not being ready for a romantic relationship with certain people or them not being ready for a romantic relationship with us. We need to find & meet the rite people in order for us to have a successful romantic relationship. I really believe I wasn't ready to maintain a romantic relationship when I got in my 1st one. Looking back I really don't think I could of maintained a romantic relationship with anyone cuz of my deteriorating mental state. However after the relationship ended, I tried to use the experience in a positive way & work on improving my mental health by working on myself in the ways I felt I could as well as trying to seek out another relationship. I never had much luck in finding someone thou. I know I have a lot more than my fair share of issues, faults, & disabilities but I really do believe that I could of made a romantic relationship work with lots of people if they would of actually been willing to give me half a chance. My problem was that I could never figure out how to get my foot in the door so to speak. In my case it took me meeting a rare kind of woman like someone who wanted a career that involved dealing with disableds(my 2nd girlfriend) or someone who had more than her fair share of faults, issues, & disabilties & came from a family with a history of lots of various mental disorders as well as having family members with some physical issues(my current girlfriend). The typical woman never rejected me with a 2nd thought thou. This is the very unfortunate & real situation for lots of disableds thou, at least for the guys anyways. Disabled guys have lots of great qualities for maintaining a romantic relationship but cant really start a romantic relationship cuz other people see them as Quasimodo. However 1ce those disabled guys actually get in a serious official romantic relationship by some fluke or some random miracle, they're able to make the relationship work.

Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you.

I think that you feel like I don't listen to you and I feel like you don't listen to me. It's a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry.

He used to talk about how he would get dates and the people on here ignored his help, and didn't seem to like him for it. He was awesome. I suppose the politics side of things didn't help either.

I'm blunt sometimes and don't see it, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings too. Honestly, you seem like a great person. And yes, I agree about the misunderstanding, I hope we can move on.

Ahh yes that makes more sense lol.
I agree about Dox, was sad to see him go and annoyed at how divisive American politics polluted so many discussions and opinions on this site.

When I suggest the possibility that someone may not be ready for a relationship, note that this isn’t something you can accurately assess in yourself today. It is extremely common for people to see this in themselves looking backwards, but never in the moment. It usually means that there are things you still need to accomplish for yourself and by yourself that you couldn’t do while in a relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are flawed. And, again, we are usually not capable of seeing this in ourselves. I lived in that limbo for 20 years, wondering why I wasn’t finding the relationship I wanted. It seemed like I was ready to me and everyone around me, but I wasn’t. I don’t know how to explain this, but do wish people would stop responding to a post I’ve already apologized for and tried to explain better.

Also, the context matters. The first post in this thread is about a conversation that IMHO over-analyzes and debates something there is no universal answer to, so why insist on debating how to game it? I see that sort of thing as letting your head get in the way.

But let’s forget about this piece and focus on the age old dating advice that seems to work best regardless of where you are at in life: stop caring about whether or not you are in a relationship, and find a way to live a happy and full life just as you. The only caveat is to make sure this involves interacting the world and building connections with people: The process of following this is the most likely way to end up connecting with your future partner.

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