When girls smile at you

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Yes I enjoy the customer service experience in the states..am planning to visit California again in 2020

There are very few girls who want to take pity (you are an adult male not a shelter puppy).

I think you get it then...forward and onward...every day is a new opportunity to try being calm and relaxed and let go of the past. NT Girls honestly don't want to be with men who think of themselves as victims.

I'm a shelter puppy trapped in the body of an adult human male. That is partly to do with family stuff, non-A.S.D. stuff, that happened in my childhood, which is irrelevant here. Being an Aspie didn't help, which perhaps is relevant. But I am at least housetrained, and I do a slightly better impression of an adult male now than I did 30 years ago. I share my own poisoned past, insofar as it has A.S.D. relevance, not because I need help with it (I've already had plenty of good help, thanks), but in case it may perhaps cast an illuminating sidelight on the present-day experience of younger sufferers such as the OP, or of any others who might be dipping in from outside (as I did, for many years, before joining).

Nothing is ever going to improve my processing speed, which is that of an asthmatic slug ambling wheezily up a long hill after a decadently convivial lunch. So now, even if I do appreciate in principle that a smile is almost certainly not an offer of sex and kids and a joint account, in practice I still never quite know what to do with it, until hours or days later. Not everyone with A.S.D. will have that same issue, but it is an A.S.D. thing, nicht wahr? But at least I did eventually learn a bit more about smiles than I knew innately. That's another A.S.D. thing, is it not? We have to learn, and consciously think about, stuff that comes naturally to Neurotypicals. Which (I hope) brings us back to the original question of processing unsolicited smiles from whatever gender you currently think you desire.

Even NTs sometimes struggle there, but many of us NDs will definitely have to turn it into a whole long-term research mission. But, in hopes of concluding on a positive note, my utter incompetence in the realm of facial expressions did not prevent me from losing my virginity (albeit a decade later than I would ideally have preferred).

There again, when I recall some of the people I've slept with subsequently, if I'd had the misfortune to sleep with the same people in a different chronological order, my first experience of sex would have put me off the whole icky business for life. Not all sex lives up to its publicity. And some of it is frankly tedious, if not ghastly. Better to be a frustrated virgin than to have an awful first experience, maybe?

Sex is really not the most fulfilling part of a relationship. it's just one of the aspects of an intimate relationship. I think a lot of young men make this mistake (I certainly did). I would also stop benchmarking yourself against other NT males; they are in the habit of exaggerating their prowess but even if they are getting more sex that's really not your concern is it.

If I could go back in time I would have practiced more patience with girls I met. I would have also not have had expectations which I look back now was silly of me. Yes girls do expect men to pursue them but that's the beauty of friendship; if you put yourself in a position where you are spending more time with a girl/girls (why restrict yourself to one) then she will feel comfortable opening up to you and you can both discover if this will lead to more deeper meaningful connections. Sex becomes more pleasurable when you deeply connect with your partner whereas superficial one night stands are simply physical acts that might be temporarily pleasurable/fun but don't build anything in terms of your personal development.

When girls smile at you...

...then it's okay to smile back!

Even if you have a "creepy smile" there is a good chance it isn't as creepy as you thought. I used to have the grin of a serial killer just contemplating a meal of roasted child tacos. But that mostly was in the mirror. I smile at girls when they smile at me (if they don't surprise me in which case I just kind of blink and look dopey as my brain tries to catch up.)

Physical appearance? I have a downright British set of teeth and look like a bad combo of Aloysius Gonzaga and Harold Lloyd. My clothes are right up to the minute (for the 1900s) and my romantic experience is nil. Doesn't matter.

It hasn't prevented me from making a good friendship with a lot of girls including one whom I adore and we are still friends. Neither she nor I wants to get married because we're both busy right now, and far apart, but we have talked about it. I am hoping she and I can finally do that one day but marriage is a great responsibility (in my religion a sacrament.)

The one thing creepier than my snaggletoothed grin is the heart of one of these people who thinks every friendship with the opposite sex (or not...) has to be some sort of propositioning.

Profoundly agree on this. I seem to have NT friends and acquaintances who are totally unaware of the deep connection/personal development angle. How to explain to my younger self that not all sex will necessarily be life-enhancing, I can't imagine. Many NTs report their first experiences of sex were disappointing. Better to have to wait a long time and then, with a bit of luck, blissfully meet the right person than to have infelicitous unfulfilling experiences at a young age? Not sure if my younger self would buy that. Hormones can be so obtrusive, can't they?

You mean the stuff that you need to become socially competent to get a partner, the need to acquire status, the big-number game of dating and similar stuff? Yes, it's a bit tedious to read time after time.



Yes, and then we have the stuff that you need to fake smiling and other greeting rituals to get a partner.

I wish you the best of British luck Raphael...and don't forget to put yourself out there and regularly spend time with different girls. If the fish aren't biting then (yes) be patient. but give yourself an opportunity.

One of the things NT males do is put themselves out there. They get rejected a lot but bounce back. Self-esteem is important. Be confident in yourself. Don't worry what people say, if they say something negative then they would have thought that about you anyway whether you spoke to them or not.

Not that I would ever endorse this approach but I knew a guy who slept with more girls than you could imagine (probably at least 100). He is extremely bold to the point he actually told a girl right in the middle of a softball game he wanted her to suck his you know what and she followed him home just like that. He probably gets rejected most of the time but it doesn't phase him one bit. He is not in any way physically attractive either.

Obviously I don't condone the sleazy tactics but I do embrace the fact rejection literally doesn't even phase him one bit and he is mighty confident in his abilities.

Your good wishes are appreciated, but I was more talking to the younger ones who are now suffering a torture I recall oh-so-vividly from 20-30 years ago. My hormones are a lot quieter these days, and at least I did eventually get to experience some sex, so now I can afford to be fatalistic/deterministic about whether another relationship happens or not. I no longer need to worry about whether I'm terminally undesirable, whether personally or physically.

Fully agree about the importance of self-esteem and coming across as confident. Not easy when you're young, and still getting to grips with your particular A.S.D. issues and struggling to overcome the social anxiety which can be part of the territory.

Agree also about the sheer statistical necessity of getting out there. However, for those of us prone to exhaustion and overload, this can only be done in moderation! These days I can only cope with leaving the house one or two days a week.

I wasn't actually advocating Raphael sleep with multiple women. If you read his earlier posts he is already experienced with one night stands and was dissatisfied with the experience.

I am talking about social mixing in order to eventually connect with a girl who can be a soul mate/long term friend and ultimately intimate partner. It's all about probability. The more women you socialise with, the higher the probability you will meet one who you can connect with.

Fair enough! if it's any consolation there's a lot of single women 40-50 who have come out of marriages or long term relationships and are desperately looking to settle down so the odds are back in your favor since you waited this long

Yes, I have had some successes in the past with that kind of scenario, in fact I would say to anyone in his late 20s or older that he stands some chance of meeting a woman who knows herself better than she did when she was younger, has come out of an unsatisfactory relationship, and may be looking for more important fundamental things which a man with A.S.D. is just as likely to possess as any other guy (if not indeed more likely, e.g. intelligence, fidelity, things like that).

However, I'm not sure I want someone who is "desperately looking"! I only want a relationship if there's a real magic spark there; I wouldn't want to enter a relationship purely for the sake of being in a relationship. Maybe I've got fussy in my old age...

A lot of really nice women who were snapped up in their teens/20s leave long term relationships in their 40s when their 40 something male partners go through a mid life crisis. Hence the opportunity.

Yes agree.

In fact I seem to have seen women who were snapped up in their teens/20s leave relationships even in their late 20s or in their 30s, when they belatedly realize the man they hitched up with is actually a total idiot. One thing a man with A.S.D. may not be is a total idiot, so this is where he can score some points with such a woman. So there really is hope.

When I was in my teens and 20s, I was convinced if I hadn't found myself a life-partner by the end of my first year at university this would mean I was doomed to a life of lonely solitude and embarrassing virginity. Turns out that was pretty far from the truth, actually! Hooray.

But I have not forgotten what it felt like, being young and socially awkward and desperately wanting a girlfriend and terrified that I was predestined to be undesirable and single for all eternity. This feeling led to several suicide attempts in my 20s and I kind of want to reach out to anybody feeling that feeling now and urge them not to see their situation as beyond hope.