Using religion as a reason not to date me

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No one should have to teach a grown man how to behave. Life is difficult enough without having to teach someone what is appropriate and what is not appropriate.

The point though is that, if they have no idea whether I will do it or not, they should be open to both possibilities. So why are they making such a firm decision to *never* date me based on the lack of knowledge



Because sometimes I need outside insentive to be committed. So if they were to tell me that they will be willing to reconsider if I make certain changes, I will be more inclined to make them.



So if they think I do it on purpose, does it mean that they think I have no need to be in a relationship, since I purposely ruin its chances? And if I don't have a need to be in a relationship, why am I so upset about it?

The reason I put it this way is because I remember a couple of people being skeptical I am capable of feeling love because people with Asperger supposedly don't. But if they judge me by my Asperger, then why don't they realize that lacking social skills is part of Asperger so maybe I am not doing it on purpose after all?

Which brings me to the following question. Could it be that people misunderstand what Asperger is, and they assume people with Asperger understand social interations just fine but they break social rules on purpose? As in, yes, they heard of Asperger, but what they "heard" is that people with Asperger are dickheads. So if someone who is totally nice says they have Asperger they assume "oh that guy must be a dickhead I don't trust him".

In other words, could it be that there are two "opposite" misperceptions of Asperger

a) People exaggerate effects of Asperger in terms of thinking people with Asperger have no emotions when they do

b) People under-estimate effects of Asperger when they assume people with Asperger understand social rules when they don't

I was assuming that "a" and "b" describes different groups of NT-s. But could it be that the same exact NT is being affected both by "a" and by "b" at the same time?

If so, could it be that they simply confuse Asperger with sociopathy?

One of the most common peices of dating advice ever told is "Be Yourself". However the people who utter it the most tend to be people who never had problems getting romantic relationships & cant relate or they're told by members of the opposite sex to people the person saying it has ZERO romantic attraction towards. I consider the source when considering advice.

Those are good points. And they lead to follow up thoughts:

1) You mentioned that people that say be yourself are the ones that don't have trouble getting into relationships. But what about the situation when I am told "it's okay that you are single as long as you are happy with yourself". The "single" part suggests that they know I have trouble finding someone. Or are you saying that

a) they are assuming that I have problems with committment but I do just fine when it comes to getting dates? So -- in response to my complaint about committment -- they respond "oh you don't need a committment, you can just date around" not realizing that dating around isn't an option for me

b) Maybe it's the opposite. They assume I am complaining about not being able to find casual dates since stereotypically a woman is the one who wants committment more and the man is the one who wants to sleep around. Their advice reflects the fact that they don't respect my supposed desire to sleep around. Yes there are men who want committment -- but from what you said it's hard to imagine someone having trouble getting into one -- so the only explanation they can come up with is that I must not be committment minded

c) Or perhaps they know I talk about commitment but they assume I have no trouble getting settled and I am only complaining about the girls I like. And that's why they say "oh you can always settle later"

d) Maybe they know that what I talk about is utter loneliness but since they can't fathom someone having trouble with getting relationships they assume something is wrong with me -- and the latter implies I shouldn't be in relationships anyway

e) Something else (specify)

2. You mentioned that advice to "be yourself" comes from someone who has zero romentic interest in me. I noticed that too -- which is why I find it frustrating. But here is the question: if they, personally, have no romantic relationship in me, why do they assume nobody else would? Is lack of romantic interest makes people relegate the opposite gender to subhuman status and assume they are not reproduction-worthy? Well, most people don't have romantic interest in their own gender (unless they are gay) but they can still sympathize with people if their own gender. So is this where sexism -- in both directions -- is coming from? People of one's own gender are fully human but people of the opposite gender are subhuman *unless* they are attractive?

If it comes as a rejection line the 'be who you are' is an empty platitude, they hope to end the conversation with in a way they consider polite.

It is not in their own interest to give everyone a chance and then another if he screws up, because giving someone a chance who will likely not be a good partner comes at a cost. It comes at a time cost - they can't date someone who might be more compatible while they date someone who is likely not a good partner. It comes at an emotional cost - they might be hurt again and again by that person. In more extreme cases it could come at a health cost.

In actuality there'll often be an emotional reason not to give another chance in addition to it making sense from a rational standpoint and that emotional reason can be what makes the final decision. The feeling of attraction may simply be gone at that point.

BenderRodriguez and Luhluhluh both give good reasons why women don't want to give everyone a chance and then another.


They don't feel responsible for fixing your life.


They don't necessarily think you don't want a relationship. They may think it is not important enough to you to have made the changes yet.
In some instances you've talked about you actually did it on purpose - the cases where you were angry about another person or some situation and decided to (verbally)lash out at your girlfriend and tell her the most insulting thing you could think of. It's not that you didn't know you'd hurt her feelings. Hurting her feelings was your intention. To take out your anger on someone simply had higher priority than to keep the relationship healthy, or you didn't think that far. Alright, that's not what ruined most of your chances and most of the time it may have been due to something unintentional.

The fact that you have pretty obvious Aspergers and that you let everyone know, is why I think that in your case they may not all assume you do it on purpose, or at least not that you do everything on purpose. Maybe some are aware that, unlike they'd expect of other people your age, you're not necessarily aware of basic social rules. However, if they attribute it not to will but to ability, that wouldn't necessarily improve your situation. It's definitely better to be with a clueless than with an intentionally hurtful person, especially since intentionally hurtful people may feel less inclined to actually change. However, it's easier to change things you are aware of than to change things you are not. Thus the promise of a quick change may not seem like something you can keep.

Most people want to date someone they feel attracted to (physically and personality-wise) and who seems reasonably compatible with them. It's always a red flag if a relationship or interaction is difficult and argumentative from the start and it's neither logical nor beneficial to put so much effort in right off the bat. I've had several LTR and been married for quite a while and it's more like long-distance running than a sprint.




You rely too much on others to motivate you or do things for you, especially before you even built some kind of connection with them. You can ask such things from close family members and friends, not strangers.

You say you're desperate to find a partner and even get some friends - that should be an excellent incentive for you to start making changes.




I don't think most would care what you want: when they think you're being rude and unpleasant on purpose they basically just think you're an as*hole and you expect them to put up with it in any kind of relationship. It's perfectly reasonable for them not to want to.




Look, I didn't have a diagnosis in my youth or at your age. I made mistakes and they had consequences. So I've started studying human interaction and behaviour and observing how others do it successfully and I've learned to act in an acceptable way. Having AS doesn't mean that you get a pass, it means that you have to learn what others know instinctively and sometimes nicer, more understanding people will help you along the way.

And BTW, plenty of people here are married or in a relationship - it can be more difficult for us, that's all.




Yes, Asperger's is often misunderstood and misrepresented. It sucks, but it's how it is. It's still your responsibility to explain people how it affects you and never, ever use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. If they don't get it or insist on sticking to stupid stereotypes, they're not the right person for you. As I said, people who already care about you will (probably) make allowances, but it's best not to expect such things from strangers (and you might have a pleasant surprise sometimes).

To reiterate:

Use the desire you have for acceptance and a partner to start making small changes in regards to hygiene, looking presentable, manners and how you deal with anger.

Don't rely on strangers or people you barely know to magically sort out your problems, it's not their responsibility.