Letting Go of A Toxic Relationship Kraftie, Was Right.

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I hope you find a good guy that will love you for you and help you recover

Thank you, but I am in my sixties and I think that it's time to "hang up my hat," though I am still very interested in the sexual aspect of life. My history of relationships in general is nothing less than disastrous. Maybe in the next lifetime I will enjoy being loved and learn how to love back.

Well, reincarnation may be possible. Energy and Matter can't be created or destroyed only transformed.

Yep I believe on reincarnation. I really wanted to get it right this time, it's been soooo hard.

I think it's good to have folks who can help you evaluate whether a relationship is safe and based on what you wrote, I think you kind of know yourself. With my initial BF I would constantly jump to "we need to break up". I eventually did. I committed in my next relationship to avoid that tactic and instead would constantly say "you don't care". My NT husband repeatedly (gently) requested that I assume he did. (My abusive mom would have verbally attacked me.) So now I am trying to focus on communicating what I need and want, and what he needs and wants --- engaging positively when I have a strong negative reaction (which is many times a day). I have not been diagnosed with CPTSD, but I am constantly expecting to be squished (at near 50 years old).

I have never been without a relationship (which really dampens my self-image of independence), so I'm not really one to offer advice to someone who can live independently. I mean, I could live independently, right? I just never have? Hmmm. My mom lived independently for a bit, sort of, she got a highly intelligent dog.

I have lived alone now for 17 years. I only know who I am when I am alone. My boundaries literally melt in order to accomodate everyone else. This is a very bad thing of course. I was most unhappy being married. When my husband suddenly left it felt like I could breathe again. My life as an individual began at that point. I began a new career and never agreed to a live in relationship again. Thirty years with a narcissist was really enough. Life to me, as someone who believes that God orchestrates everything, is learning to correct myself, be the best person I can and forgive. People are all trapped inside their own configuration, nobody chooses their family dynamic, their mental or physical health. We need to preserve our faith in humanity despite a difficult destiny, value what we have and let go of what caused us pain. The heart forgives much more rapidly than the brain forgets, this is my main obstacle.

I’m in my sixties as well and I say DON’T hang up your hat. I’m married now, but if I were to become single I like to think that I would find companionship and sex .

I went from home to married, bought a house, had a child. I never lived on my own until my mid-thirties. I liked the idea of having someone who lived close enough so we could see each other on weekends but be on our own during the week. It’s nice to be your own person and do what you want, when you want and how you want. Prior to meeting my now husband there certainly were some disasters, but some very good too.

That's really nice to hear Ann. I am glad that you found happiness! I think I am too shell shocked for a real relationship. I do have an NT lover who is 20 years younger just for sex ( lucky me?) I renewed contact with him when I was on a break from the guy who this thread concerns, but I am rapidly losing faith in my own judgement. Honestly I was happiest in life before I started dating men Another thing, I enjoy sex more now than ever before, what's that about?????

You can relax? You are more self accepting? Hormonal stability? Rhetorical question?

I am 0 for 3 right now (excluding the rhetorical question). If life returns to 1 and then I obtain 2, or even 3 --- watch out!! !

Lol relaxed and self-accepting, there is truth in that Sharoni.

I'll tell you what I don't like. I don't like giving up on someone when they are suffering from substance abuse or depression or struggling with issues related to autism, or anything. I don't know what I would have done if my friends would have deserted me when my husband abandoned me and tried to destroy me, or when I have been deep in despair and depression and eating disorders.

Boundaries are an important issue here, loving someone without becoming an enabler, not judging either. I care much more about this guy than he does me and that's fine, I care for him because he is younger, in a maternal way, I want him to sort himself out and get sober and find a woman his own age. I am not trying to fix him or change him though. I asked him why he needs both alcohol and cannabis. How does it make him feel. He said it quietens his head and his OCD and admitted that it's out of control to some degree.He doesn't drink or use and drive.
He said that he appreciates me not criticising his behaviour and how I stick to my principles without expecting him to do the same. He is drinking less. Cannabis is not something I have a problem with though I don't use it, for autistics I hear it is calming, it is for him.

I am learning to ask him questions, then I can know what he really means, what his intentions are, and he never lies, so that"s a good tool . I also tell him what I like and he really tries to make me happy. He remembers every detail. I told him I like aftershave and now he always wears it. We laugh and play much more together, have fun because I feel less threatened and suspicious.
He opens up his heart to me but I cannot do that yet so he doesn't know that much about me. I am happy that my therapist shows me how I could have misinterpreted his behaviour, then I can go and clarify it with my aspie friend. It is actually a learning process which is challenging because of the combination of his blunt aspie thinking and my fight or flight responses. I respect truthfulness and I need to learn to live with peoples' disapproval or anger or frustration with me, that people can still be on my side yet have these feelings. At the moment it feels like an existential threat because of CPTSD.
I need to change the title of this thread. Not letting go, taking it one step at a time, not toxic, but challenging and confusing, as life in general is. Kraftie is still usually right.

You will have to expect the same things to happen to you----as had happened previously. The same feelings. The same hurt.

I've been drawn to toxic people myself; it's hard to let go. But I am fortunate in that the toxic person just went "too far"---so I had no reason to continue the relationship. It was so extreme that I really had no choice but to just end it.

I thought about the title just this morning... one could say you are letting go of a toxic relationship - regardless of your relationship status with this man: YOU ARE LETTING GO of the toxicity. Whether internal or external; that's the wisdom you are gaining.

That's what I am thinking Sharon, I can always end a relationship, that's the easy bit. The hard part is trying to get it right while keeping safe boundaries, that's really hard for me.

What's your status with this guy now?