04 Jan 2021, 3:41 pm
Double Retired wrote:
Chejana,
An Aspie husband here, again.
It might be worth noting that he might be bad at knowing what mood you are in. He probably wants you to be happy but he might be unclear on how to help. Maybe you could try just telling him. Not in an adversarial or accusing way, in a helpful way. For instance, early in our marriage there were times when my bride had to tell me she needed a hug. After 20 years I have progressed to having enough of a clue that I can guess when it might be a good time ask her if she needs a hug.
Also, remember he probably communicates differently than you do. He likely says what he means and means what he says, and if he says something he probably means that and nothing more. My bride and I have miscommunicated a number of times because of this difference! From my standpoint it usually ends up with me saying something like "But that's not what I said! What I said was...."
And long hours at work? Hard to say, maybe ask him about it (without involving emotions). My Aspieness may have pushed me into some long hours because I was determined to accomplish stuff (for instance, once I told my bride I would have to work late and it turned out I did not leave the office 'til the following morning!). Really. I was at work. I wasn't going astray. I wasn't avoiding her. And the stress and demands of my job were making me miserable and what I really needed at home was sleep, peace, and to be left alone--fortunately my bride had worked in similar situations so she kind of understood, she could easily have made me much, much more miserable and unhappy and desirous of staying longer at the office.
An Aspie husband here, again.
It might be worth noting that he might be bad at knowing what mood you are in. He probably wants you to be happy but he might be unclear on how to help. Maybe you could try just telling him. Not in an adversarial or accusing way, in a helpful way. For instance, early in our marriage there were times when my bride had to tell me she needed a hug. After 20 years I have progressed to having enough of a clue that I can guess when it might be a good time ask her if she needs a hug.
Also, remember he probably communicates differently than you do. He likely says what he means and means what he says, and if he says something he probably means that and nothing more. My bride and I have miscommunicated a number of times because of this difference! From my standpoint it usually ends up with me saying something like "But that's not what I said! What I said was...."
And long hours at work? Hard to say, maybe ask him about it (without involving emotions). My Aspieness may have pushed me into some long hours because I was determined to accomplish stuff (for instance, once I told my bride I would have to work late and it turned out I did not leave the office 'til the following morning!). Really. I was at work. I wasn't going astray. I wasn't avoiding her. And the stress and demands of my job were making me miserable and what I really needed at home was sleep, peace, and to be left alone--fortunately my bride had worked in similar situations so she kind of understood, she could easily have made me much, much more miserable and unhappy and desirous of staying longer at the office.
... ... ...
Your posts are always so insightful and beneficial to my neuro-diverse marriage...THANK YOU
Rexi
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Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,388
Location: "I know there's nothing we can do. But my heart can't accept it." "If this is real, then I want to change the future."
04 Jan 2021, 3:58 pm
Double Retired wrote:
Rexi wrote:
So what did she read by that?
By the way isn't Chinese typically the worst food known in movies followed by Mexican?
Ohmigosh, odd things! Way to sell the place.
She was surprised by the thought of going there for a meal because if we want Chinese there are places closer than the place I mentioned. And having "authentic" items on the menu isn't that odd around here...there are a lot of Asians in our area and some Chinese restaurants here have two different menus: one with lots of "authentic" choices and one that is tamer for the non-ethnic folk. Given my druthers, I'm more likely to pick Thai than Chinese, though. She likes both but I think she would prefer authentic Mexican much more--she was born and raised in Texas.By the way isn't Chinese typically the worst food known in movies followed by Mexican?
Ohmigosh, odd things! Way to sell the place.
That might be good but italiano is more romantic, especially if they get creative like this awesome place here with lots of stuff that have tomatoes, cheese, and raw rocket.
Hope you didn't miss the rest of that message, I added some things.
_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner.
x Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.
04 Jan 2021, 5:51 pm
Double Retired wrote:
Rexi wrote:
So what did she read by that?
By the way isn't Chinese typically the worst food known in movies followed by Mexican?
Ohmigosh, odd things! Way to sell the place.
She was surprised by the thought of going there for a meal because if we want Chinese there are places closer than the place I mentioned. And having "authentic" items on the menu isn't that odd around here...there are a lot of Asians in our area and some Chinese restaurants here have two different menus: one with lots of "authentic" choices and one that is tamer for the non-ethnic folk. Given my druthers, I'm more likely to pick Thai than Chinese, though. She likes both but I think she would prefer authentic Mexican much more--she was born and raised in Texas.By the way isn't Chinese typically the worst food known in movies followed by Mexican?
Ohmigosh, odd things! Way to sell the place.
... ... ...
I am Mexican-American...Born and raised in CA...It amazes me how much money people are willing to pay at so-called Mexican restaurants where the food is NOT authentic...There is nothing like home-made Mexican food...Such a delicacy...By the way, like your wife, my mother was born in Texas...And my sister married a Texan...So, i have three Texas Treasures, two nieces, and one nephew...
04 Jan 2021, 6:00 pm
Rexi wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Try getting your husband an official diagnosis from an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health practitioner instead of only assuming his "aspie-like behavior" is the result of him being an aspie.
Better yet, instead of assuming anything, try getting the both of you to a marriage counselor. You may find out that the problems you claim to be having with your husband are not really his fault at all!
No ... it is not always the husband's fault...
Better yet, instead of assuming anything, try getting the both of you to a marriage counselor. You may find out that the problems you claim to be having with your husband are not really his fault at all!
No ... it is not always the husband's fault...Even if he's autistic, not always the aspie's fault.
And autism isn't a mental disorder
It's everybody's fault. My fault, your fault, the husband's fault, the wifi's fault, the dog, and Fnord's fault.
Now let's kiss. Dibs on the wifi!
... ... ...
You at are too funny, Rexi...Don't ever lose your good sense of humor...
Rexi
Veteran
Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,388
Location: "I know there's nothing we can do. But my heart can't accept it." "If this is real, then I want to change the future."
04 Jan 2021, 6:43 pm
Clueless2017 wrote:
Rexi wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Try getting your husband an official diagnosis from an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health practitioner instead of only assuming his "aspie-like behavior" is the result of him being an aspie.
Better yet, instead of assuming anything, try getting the both of you to a marriage counselor. You may find out that the problems you claim to be having with your husband are not really his fault at all!
No ... it is not always the husband's fault...
Better yet, instead of assuming anything, try getting the both of you to a marriage counselor. You may find out that the problems you claim to be having with your husband are not really his fault at all!
No ... it is not always the husband's fault...Even if he's autistic, not always the aspie's fault.
And autism isn't a mental disorder
It's everybody's fault. My fault, your fault, the husband's fault, the wifi's fault, the dog, and Fnord's fault.
Now let's kiss. Dibs on the wifi!
... ... ...
You at are too funny, Rexi...Don't ever lose your good sense of humor...
I kno~ ;u
_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner.
x Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.
04 Jan 2021, 10:33 pm
Chejana wrote:
I agree with most of the points you made. He felt guilty when I was suffering from depression and he expressed it once.
Also, I believe my husband refuse to go for psychiatrists/ psychologists just because it is difficult to discuss emotional matters with them. Even when he is discussing with me about how he feels or something related to emotional matters he just closes his eyes, using his arm, or look away. So, I understand how difficult for him to discuss. That may be the reason he refuses to go for diagnosis and maybe counselling.
I never ever treated him badly or never said that I will leave if he can not do this or that ( I mean I was reassuring.) Maybe that is the reason he is with me for 7 years. Similarly, I do not want to leave, I just want to reduce my stress levels and continue with him.
Meanwhile, I hope sharing how others feel and still survive within the relationship already made me feel better....
Also, I believe my husband refuse to go for psychiatrists/ psychologists just because it is difficult to discuss emotional matters with them. Even when he is discussing with me about how he feels or something related to emotional matters he just closes his eyes, using his arm, or look away. So, I understand how difficult for him to discuss. That may be the reason he refuses to go for diagnosis and maybe counselling.
I never ever treated him badly or never said that I will leave if he can not do this or that ( I mean I was reassuring.) Maybe that is the reason he is with me for 7 years. Similarly, I do not want to leave, I just want to reduce my stress levels and continue with him.
Meanwhile, I hope sharing how others feel and still survive within the relationship already made me feel better....
Not making eye contact, particularly when stressed, is a well-known Aspie trait. Don't take it personally, it isn't a statement about you in any way.
Likewise, you don't need to treat an Aspie badly for them to start feeling inadequate or guilty. Most Aspies are well aware of their limitations, and will over-analyse every mistake when they realise they've made some (often well after the event, when it's hard to sort out). Ironically the more we care, the more anxious we are about doing the right thing, but the more anxious we get the greater the chances of doing things that look bad to an NT. The pressure / guilt / low self-esteem is almost entirely self-induced.
With PDA the weight of expectations is particularly counter-productive. The only thing that really seems to work is creating an environment where it's ok to get everything wrong. Do that, and strangely more and more things will start going right.
As a personal example, I live on a boat. It is normally moored in a Marina and I have been here for just over 10 years. The only reason I'm still here after 10 years is because I know I can leave any time I like. Un-hitch the ropes and off I go. If I'd bought a house I can guarantee I'd have been climbing the walls after 18 months, and probably would have sold up and moved after 2 years only to start the whole process again.
That kind of thinking can be applied to relationships, too. If he knows he can make mistakes and be forgiven, he'll be less likely to panic and make mistakes. If he knows he can retreat for some lone time whenever he likes, he is more likely to stick around for company. If it's ok to be late, inobservant or easily distracted, you might find those things happen less.
Laughing about things helps.
Also, try to be direct in your questions. So, as a classic example, "Let's go food shopping!" rather than "We need to go food shopping" or "We are running out of food". Because his answer to the last two might simply be "yes".
05 Jan 2021, 8:13 am
Redd_Kross wrote:
Chejana wrote:
I agree with most of the points you made. He felt guilty when I was suffering from depression and he expressed it once.
Also, I believe my husband refuse to go for psychiatrists/ psychologists just because it is difficult to discuss emotional matters with them. Even when he is discussing with me about how he feels or something related to emotional matters he just closes his eyes, using his arm, or look away. So, I understand how difficult for him to discuss. That may be the reason he refuses to go for diagnosis and maybe counselling.
I never ever treated him badly or never said that I will leave if he can not do this or that ( I mean I was reassuring.) Maybe that is the reason he is with me for 7 years. Similarly, I do not want to leave, I just want to reduce my stress levels and continue with him.
Meanwhile, I hope sharing how others feel and still survive within the relationship already made me feel better....
Also, I believe my husband refuse to go for psychiatrists/ psychologists just because it is difficult to discuss emotional matters with them. Even when he is discussing with me about how he feels or something related to emotional matters he just closes his eyes, using his arm, or look away. So, I understand how difficult for him to discuss. That may be the reason he refuses to go for diagnosis and maybe counselling.
I never ever treated him badly or never said that I will leave if he can not do this or that ( I mean I was reassuring.) Maybe that is the reason he is with me for 7 years. Similarly, I do not want to leave, I just want to reduce my stress levels and continue with him.
Meanwhile, I hope sharing how others feel and still survive within the relationship already made me feel better....
Not making eye contact, particularly when stressed, is a well-known Aspie trait. Don't take it personally, it isn't a statement about you in any way.
Likewise, you don't need to treat an Aspie badly for them to start feeling inadequate or guilty. Most Aspies are well aware of their limitations, and will over-analyse every mistake when they realise they've made some (often well after the event, when it's hard to sort out). Ironically the more we care, the more anxious we are about doing the right thing, but the more anxious we get the greater the chances of doing things that look bad to an NT. The pressure / guilt / low self-esteem is almost entirely self-induced.
With PDA the weight of expectations is particularly counter-productive. The only thing that really seems to work is creating an environment where it's ok to get everything wrong. Do that, and strangely more and more things will start going right.
As a personal example, I live on a boat. It is normally moored in a Marina and I have been here for just over 10 years. The only reason I'm still here after 10 years is because I know I can leave any time I like. Un-hitch the ropes and off I go. If I'd bought a house I can guarantee I'd have been climbing the walls after 18 months, and probably would have sold up and moved after 2 years only to start the whole process again.
That kind of thinking can be applied to relationships, too. If he knows he can make mistakes and be forgiven, he'll be less likely to panic and make mistakes. If he knows he can retreat for some lone time whenever he likes, he is more likely to stick around for company. If it's ok to be late, inobservant or easily distracted, you might find those things happen less.
Laughing about things helps.
Also, try to be direct in your questions. So, as a classic example, "Let's go food shopping!" rather than "We need to go food shopping" or "We are running out of food". Because his answer to the last two might simply be "yes".
... ... ...
Your post here above is very insightful to this NT wife happily married to the most handsome Aspie...From the bottom of my heart, thank you...
Post Script: I especially like that you mention the importance of FORGIVENESS...This is true in all relationships, and especially true in marriages...I always tell my beloved husband that a happy marriage is made-up of two people that are readily willing to forget and FORGIVE...
By the way, it must be nice to live in a boat...Sounds like a dream...Enjoy it for me, too...
05 Jan 2021, 9:21 am
Redd_Kross wrote:
Not making eye contact, particularly when stressed, is a well-known Aspie trait. Don't take it personally, it isn't a statement about you in any way.
Likewise, you don't need to treat an Aspie badly for them to start feeling inadequate or guilty. Most Aspies are well aware of their limitations, and will over-analyse every mistake when they realise they've made some (often well after the event, when it's hard to sort out). Ironically the more we care, the more anxious we are about doing the right thing, but the more anxious we get the greater the chances of doing things that look bad to an NT. The pressure / guilt / low self-esteem is almost entirely self-induced.
With PDA the weight of expectations is particularly counter-productive. The only thing that really seems to work is creating an environment where it's ok to get everything wrong. Do that, and strangely more and more things will start going right.
As a personal example, I live on a boat. It is normally moored in a Marina and I have been here for just over 10 years. The only reason I'm still here after 10 years is because I know I can leave any time I like. Un-hitch the ropes and off I go. If I'd bought a house I can guarantee I'd have been climbing the walls after 18 months, and probably would have sold up and moved after 2 years only to start the whole process again.
That kind of thinking can be applied to relationships, too. If he knows he can make mistakes and be forgiven, he'll be less likely to panic and make mistakes. If he knows he can retreat for some lone time whenever he likes, he is more likely to stick around for company. If it's ok to be late, inobservant or easily distracted, you might find those things happen less.
Laughing about things helps.
Also, try to be direct in your questions. So, as a classic example, "Let's go food shopping!" rather than "We need to go food shopping" or "We are running out of food". Because his answer to the last two might simply be "yes".
It is interesting to read your thoughts and it enhances my understanding on my partner.
By now, I have learnt to make direct requests as much as possible, which works very well for us, and I have addicted to doing so, sometimes, making NT friends feel I am rude.
But, I feel I should learn to let him retreat more. It seems it is very important for aspies to know that you can retreat any time. Maybe I can practise it more.
05 Jan 2021, 9:30 am
Chejana wrote:
Redd_Kross wrote:
Not making eye contact, particularly when stressed, is a well-known Aspie trait. Don't take it personally, it isn't a statement about you in any way.
Likewise, you don't need to treat an Aspie badly for them to start feeling inadequate or guilty. Most Aspies are well aware of their limitations, and will over-analyse every mistake when they realise they've made some (often well after the event, when it's hard to sort out). Ironically the more we care, the more anxious we are about doing the right thing, but the more anxious we get the greater the chances of doing things that look bad to an NT. The pressure / guilt / low self-esteem is almost entirely self-induced.
With PDA the weight of expectations is particularly counter-productive. The only thing that really seems to work is creating an environment where it's ok to get everything wrong. Do that, and strangely more and more things will start going right.
As a personal example, I live on a boat. It is normally moored in a Marina and I have been here for just over 10 years. The only reason I'm still here after 10 years is because I know I can leave any time I like. Un-hitch the ropes and off I go. If I'd bought a house I can guarantee I'd have been climbing the walls after 18 months, and probably would have sold up and moved after 2 years only to start the whole process again.
That kind of thinking can be applied to relationships, too. If he knows he can make mistakes and be forgiven, he'll be less likely to panic and make mistakes. If he knows he can retreat for some lone time whenever he likes, he is more likely to stick around for company. If it's ok to be late, inobservant or easily distracted, you might find those things happen less.
Laughing about things helps.
Also, try to be direct in your questions. So, as a classic example, "Let's go food shopping!" rather than "We need to go food shopping" or "We are running out of food". Because his answer to the last two might simply be "yes".
It is interesting to read your thoughts and it enhances my understanding on my partner.
By now, I have learnt to make direct requests as much as possible, which works very well for us, and I have addicted to doing so, sometimes, making NT friends feel I am rude.
But, I feel I should learn to let him retreat more. It seems it is very important for aspies to know that you can retreat any time. Maybe I can practise it more.
... ... ...
Chejana...I bought my beloved husband a wooden DO NOT DISTURB sign recently...With the permission to use it with me...He has not yet used it...But at least he well knows how much i have learned to respect his personal space...This was hard for me in our first year of marriage
...But understanding makes all the difference...Now, he enjoys his time with me, though in very small doses...Because he is always working...So, we are learning Chejana...And we are not alone...
Double Retired
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Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 70
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,324
Location: U.S.A. (Mid-Atlantic)
05 Jan 2021, 9:46 am
05 Jan 2021, 10:13 am
Clueless2017 wrote:
Chejana...I bought my beloved husband a wooden DO NOT DISTURB sign recently...With the permission to use it with me...He has not yet used it...But at least he well knows how much i have learned to respect his personal space...This was hard for me in our first year of marriage ...But understanding makes all the difference...Now, he enjoys his time with me, though in very small doses...Because he is always working...So, we are learning Chejana...And we are not alone...
...But understanding makes all the difference...Now, he enjoys his time with me, though in very small doses...Because he is always working...So, we are learning Chejana...And we are not alone... DO NOT DISTURB sign
... I understand how much that action may value for him... your assurance on his personal space...
07 Jan 2021, 7:31 pm
Chejana wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Chejana...I bought my beloved husband a wooden DO NOT DISTURB sign recently...With the permission to use it with me...He has not yet used it...But at least he well knows how much i have learned to respect his personal space...This was hard for me in our first year of marriage ...But understanding makes all the difference...Now, he enjoys his time with me, though in very small doses...Because he is always working...So, we are learning Chejana...And we are not alone...
...But understanding makes all the difference...Now, he enjoys his time with me, though in very small doses...Because he is always working...So, we are learning Chejana...And we are not alone... DO NOT DISTURB sign
... I understand how much that action may value for him... your assurance on his personal space...... ... ...
Exactly...
nick007
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Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,713
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
08 Jan 2021, 1:48 am
MrsPeel wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Try getting your husband an official diagnosis from an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health practitioner instead of only assuming his "aspie-like behavior" is the result of him being an aspie.
Better yet, instead of assuming anything, try getting the both of you to a marriage counselor. You may find out that the problems you claim to be having with your husband are not really his fault at all!
No ... it is not always the husband's fault...
Better yet, instead of assuming anything, try getting the both of you to a marriage counselor. You may find out that the problems you claim to be having with your husband are not really his fault at all!
No ... it is not always the husband's fault...Fnord, you are being really insensitive here.
This poor woman comes on here looking for help and you've basically belittled and gaslighted her by saying that she's only assuming her husband to be on the spectrum and that she is likely the one at fault.
Seriously? In which planet is that an acceptable response?
08 Jan 2021, 3:25 am
08 Jan 2021, 9:55 am
As an NT wife, happily married married to a yet undiagnosed Aspie, i really appreciate Mrs. Peel's open-mind and consideration towards the OP, here...
Nick, here is my response to you:
I agree with you in that misdiagnosis are common even among medical professionals...Let's look at some of the factors involved:
1) The nature of ASD often prevents the patient from thoroughly explaining his or her symptoms to the medical professional;
2) The medical professional is not an expert on ASD;
3) The time the medical professional spends with the ASD patient is very limited;
4) The symptoms of the ASD patient appear to be epilepsy or schizophrenia, both of which are genetically associated to ASD; and
5) The patient suffers from some comorbid illness that complicates diagnosis.
Having said all of the above, Nick, you will be surprised how many times an NT wife is RIGHT in her suspicion about her Aspie husband...Many medical professionals would attest to this...And statistics do show that the ASD diagnosis was a direct result of a close friend or relative suggesting it...Now, you may be wondering, how an NT wife could get it right when a professional could not...It is simple: The NT wife has spent years if not a lifetime with her Aspie husband...Thus, she is most qualified to attest to certain behavioral patterns...She is really at an advantaged viewpoint, able to see the whole picture of her ASD husband's autistic traits from a closer look...
With respect to your comment on those NT partners who complain of an Aspie, labeling him a narcissist...In their defense, i will say that both disorders at times appear the same from an outsider's perspective...And sadly, most NTs, as intelligent as they may be, they are not professional researchers...So, they are not able to make a distinction between the two disorders...Thus, leading 80% of the times, to the rupture of the relationship...Sad story for both the ASD patient and the NT partner
As for me, UNDERSTANDING ASD is most important, because it makes all the difference in my relationship to my beloved Aspie husband...(I am a professional researcher as are all Legal Assistants)...The more i understand ASD, the more kind, the more compassionate, the more forgiving, I am to my beloved Aspie husband...In his own words, I am "b-e-y-o-n-d good as a person" (sounds beautiful in Spanish)...Coming from him, i will take it as a compliment...
Double Retired
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Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 70
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,324
Location: U.S.A. (Mid-Atlantic)
08 Jan 2021, 11:17 am
A small aside: Neither my bride nor I wondered if I might be on the Spectrum until January 2018. We then both did a bit of research and by April 2018 we both believed I probably was on it.
My bride was mildly opposed to me getting a formal diagnosis. She was concerned that officially having the label might make my life a little more difficult. I chose to pursue a diagnosis despite her concerns because I wanted to know for sure--and I believed I had reached a point in life where the label would just be a minor side point of limited interest.
P.S. We won't know 'til after the pandemic, when we can return to "normal" life, whether or not she gets to say "I told you so!"
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