Most men here cant get women because they lack confidence

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That or take for granted how simple things may be for one as the same way they must be for everyone.

That too

salad for the average guy with average social skills this is probably good advice.

for someone who is autistic a simple solution like this isn't enough

I never intended my thread to be a panacea for the singleton Aspie more than generic advice for a subset of those flustered by repeated efforts to find a partner but always failing, by pointing out something I noticed about said demographic: they have nothing to offer or stand on their own 2 feet outside of finding said woman.

you have false confidence in something you just 'discovered', give it ten years, and you will not have the same opinion

is the title misleading then?

I dont appreciate your passive aggressive insinuations. No I dont have "false" confidence in what I "just" discovered, I have a pretty good understanding that confidence in security in oneself is a lot more beneficial than insecurity and negativity. If being cynical and jaded is how you want to live your life then be my guest, but stop acting as if anyone who promotes the virtue of security and confidence in oneself is stupid and will change their mind over time.

Its hard to admit but there is a transactional nature to mating, a trade and/or trade-off. Even the most broad minded liberated females don't give anything for free. Like dropping a hook into the ocean without bait hoping a fish will accidentally snag itself on the hook.

I agree. If it was up to women to try and "get" someone romantically I would likely have a problem with my lack of confidence. However, even if I was confident I still usually seem to lack the ability to detect when someone likes me and the knowledge of how to flirt in return. I'm guessing that might be a problem for a lot of autistic people trying to start relationships which, in turn, doesn't help with confidence!

I am not talking about the amount of sex, but the alpha/beta hierarchy definitely exists in the common chimps, it is not a "crap concept" and it's not debunked for the primates:

https://news.janegoodall.org/2018/07/10 ... y-amazing/

Animal behaviorists use the terms alpha/beta all the time for these primates, and Jane Goodall is one of the most known ones in this field.


Humans, socially not genetically, are closer to Chimps (patriarchal) than to Bonobos (matriarchal). Male humans has always been the warriors across most of the humankind history, and polygyny was very common and extreme in humans (1 in 17 women 8000 years ago, hint: DNA evidence) - we evolved patriarchally; it's kinda silly to claim that we are more like bonobos socially, humans never been as peaceful as bonobos.

What was previously called alphas in wolves are actually mom and dad, the pack is a family unit.

Wolves aren't as sexually dimorphic as humans, a female wolf is almost as strong as a male wolf, the strength gap between the sexes is much more minimal than in humans or even almost non existing, humans on the other hand:

I agree with this except I don't find it hard to admit. I posted about this a bit when I was single except I worded it in much cruder ways.

People who have a lot of confidence in themselves can sometimes majorly struggle with obtaining romantic relationships. It's common for disabled guys to have a hard time getting women even if they put themselves out there & have confidence in their social skills. The women are afraid that she will have to support the guy financially on top of her doing all the household duties that are typical for women to do. A lot of us Aspies(like me) tend to be behind our peers with various aspects of independent living(like employment, life skills, & maturity) & struggling with independence can put a lot of women off. Sometimes us Aspies need to find alternative approaches to getting relationships. We need to figure out what we can offer a potential partner & then we need to figure out how to market ourselves to the people who would be interested in that. General Business was the only class in high-school that I ever scored all A's on & that business model perspective did eventually help me find a partner. In my case my strong point is that I'm very supportive & accepting of others who have various issues & problems. I don't mean in the provider sense, more like emotionally being supportive like if someone is having a really bad day type support.

I do NOT think that most Aspie guys who struggle to get relationships do so due to lacking confidence. Lacking confidence may be a factor towards them not trying & not putting themselves out there but our lack of confidence is a symptom of a much deeper issue that majorly hinders us with finding partners. Our low confidence is more of an effect of our struggle instead of the root cause. Saying our problem is due to us lacking confidence is like saying that us Aspies have bad social skills due to us not putting ourselves out there & not trying to socialize with others. If we would just put ourselves out there & try more we would develop much better social skills & would no longer struggle socially The real reason us Aspies struggle socially is because the very nature of our disorder causes us to have bad social skills. Such as problems reading body language, facial expressions, tone of voice & others having problems reading all that from us. We are also direct & straightforward & have weird habits & quirks that cause others to misjudge us. Saying that we just need to put ourselves out there more is belittling the very nature of our disability. BTW that BS thinking is why I'm seeing a psychiatrist instead of a counselor. I kept getting pressured to put myself out there more without being given the tools & being taught the skills needed to better function & handle myself so I would be more easily accepted or tolerated. It's like telling somebody who has a fear of water that they would be fine if they would just go into deep water when the person does not know how to swim. The person is afraid of drowning in the water & instead of being given swimming lessens, they are given exposure therapy & pushed to jump rite in.

Well, in your original post...



You kinda did outright say "alphas" and imply "levels" of hierarchy. It kinda is just a rehash of "alphas get the girls and betas just act desperate". Even if you didn't mean it or see it that way.

In general, you're not wrong in that desperation does more harm than good, but at the same time, it is entirely possible, if not common, to not be supremely confident, AND not be desperate. Even people who are supremely confident can still fail socially or act desperate, because being confident doesn't mean you're right. A person can confidently be wrong. A person can confidently be a jerk. A person can confidently be an utterly insufferable intolerable a***hole. A person can be so confident that they can get a girl that they sabotage themselves by trying too hard, since they "know" they can "get the girl". Confidence is handy, but it's hardly the one true answer, and over-confidence can be worse than a lack of confidence sometimes.

I'm not sure who here said it, but relationships should not be transactional. Once they are, all the involved parties do is tally the check and make sure they're getting their fair share. That sounds like the same kind of ingratiation used by "nice guys" to convince women that they "owe" them a date. Because transactional. "I did for you, now you do for me." If you want a transactional relationship, just hire an escort. Trying to transactionalize friendships and relationships only serves to find others who want transactional relationships. Most people don't want that.

As for chimps and bonobos, they may be our closest genetic relatives, but they're not us, nor are we them. Neither chimps nor bonobos go to bars and sing bad karaoke. They don't live in apartments and worry about income. They don't have favorite tv shows or complex political opinions. They exist in completely different worlds than us, and any similarity between them and us is interesting, but hardly meaningful.

There are many reasons as to why someone may have difficulty finding a partner that can't be summed up in a neat and tidy catch-all package like "lacking confidence".

Valid point However I think you would agree that in order for someone to attract a partner, they need to have something about them that is attractive to a potential partner. Maybe that is their personality, the way they treat a romantic partner, their interests, their talents/skills, their creativity, their looks, being financially successful, their living situation/environment, &/or something else. When I mentioned having something to offer a potential partner I was NOT talking about keeping a tally & keeping track of who owes who for what. A transactional relationship can work well for some couples thou but I was talking about something that gives you an edge/angle/hook; something about you or a combo of things about you that make you different & would make the rite person interested in you & want to stay with you. When trying to figure out what those things are that can make you attractive, keep in mind that different people can like & be turned off by very different things. Instead of trying to change yourself & pretending to be someone your not, it may be better to try & figure out the type of person who would be a great match for the way you really are. Then try to figure out how to meet em & how to look attractive to them. Pretending to be someone else may work in the movies but I don't think it would work that well in real life, the other person would likely be turned off by the faking/catfishing.

This issue is far more nuanced than this. Disability is in the eye of the beholder.

Single NT women judge men in the first few minutes they meet as potential mates/partners.

One of the things (I suspect) is happening is that men on the spectrum are trying too hard to impress the girl.

If you are selling your virtues/assets as a partner then there is an art to doing this. Subtleness in unobtrusively demonstrating you have skills, money, something to offer without being too overt. The idea is to make the girl comfortable in your presence.

NT men also fall into this trap. A classic example is name dropping, a lot of NT guys like to show they have friends in high places, like they have status. Most worldly NT girls see through this ruse fairly quickly.

So while being direct can be beneficial you need to feel the situation before showing your cards.

For getting social contact you are required to have social contacts before? Great advice! Especially for people who are unable to do even eye contact when talking to others and don't realize nonverbal signals nor have even a real idea of the way that the mind of women or NTs at all who usually care that stuff works.
If people are shy at making contacts it's even worse.

I can't pretend to know how hard that is to overcome, but it should at least be an aspirational goal. Confidence comes with bravery and the more times you try, the better you become.