Rexi wrote:
No, it's not that you were involved in the past with women as much as seeing the pattern you did with others being the same you did with her making her trust that you didnt use her just for sex very hard, which you didnt probably those women either, they were the ones to corrupt your integrity, and you were just trying to find a lasting partner which you failed to communicate before going to bed with them or maybe look in the right places, not sure where you found more stable women like your wife or your ex who disliked the hotel thing. "Okay, im up for this, but I aim for more with you, if I am to go through with this, can you guarantee youll also be with me and is that what you're looking for too?" and I doubt they wanted that in a party setting where its expected to just have encounters for sex.(etc.)
I want to provide more details about this relationship for various reasons. Of course my ability to recall details is limited due to time and age:
I had joined a group of local singles who organized “mixer” type events. These were good because people who showed up (male or female) were officially “looking”. She came to one of these with a friend (the only friend of hers that I was aware of and never saw or hear of her again). The reason the friend brought her was that the friend felt she should get back into circulation after her husband left her. Note that she and her husband were not yet legally separated so this was very soon after her husband leaving which I now understand was probably something few people would have advised her to do.
At the end of my 2nd date with her (as I recall) I managed to perform oral sex on her even though she had been hesitant about intimacy. I don’t recall how I managed to get her pants off her (this sort of male behavior would not have been considered shocking at the time) but after I did this, she actually thanked me. This is the only time I can recall actually being thanked for performing a sex act.
We continued to date. I can recall that she was really into the sexual aspect i.e. she was having sex with me because she was horny and I would have to imagine it was genuinely challenging for her to have to “do without” after her husband left her. BTW it’s my impression the marriage hadn’t lasted very long.
Although I said before she was a very angry person she never withheld sex due to anger. I think sex must have been therapeutic for her. There were specific things she asked for during sex so I would say sex was something she was doing for herself not because it was expected to her.
In addition to having thanked me for performing a sex act, she also once told me, without any prompting, that she liked my body.
Having said all that, I will point out that there wasn’t really much basis for the relationship besides sex, but that would have been fine except that she also seemed to be dealing with a great deal of shame from a religious point of view. She went to Confession a lot. She insisted that we had to get engaged. Along with this came an expectation that I commit to never wanting children. This was a big decision for me to make so soon after meeting her. She also wanted to move in with me, and when I didn’t enthusiastically cooperate, she starting bringing things like glass casseroles from her apartment every time she came by my place, in the apparent hope that her moving in with me would become a fait accompli.
Another problem though was that she apparently had the opportunity to attend Nursing School at the state university of the state she was from. For this to happen, I would have had to find a job there and move. I actually made a half-hearted attempt (it would in theory have been possible for me to find work there). The fact is that I did not want to be responsible for her giving up that life plan in order to stay with me (she was 29 at the time so somewhat late in life for Nursing School). Anyway from WWW research years later I learned that she did in fact become a Registered Nurse and also did get married at least once more (no idea how she sorted that with the Church but her married name sounded Greek so that could offer a clue).
In summary, I would say she was obsessed with me rather than in love (in fact I don’t recall her ever actually telling me she loved me) and became the second person in my life that I actually ghosted. The previous person was also somebody who became obsessed (although slightly more up front about that fact) but never, so far as I can recall, told me they loved me.
I happen to think she may have had BPD, on the other hand if I had it to do over again, I expect I could have managed some sort of reasonable relationship with her. Then again, I’m much better off the way my life actually went and from what I can tell I didn’t ruin her life in the long run.
02 Jan 2022, 3:58 pm
