IsabellaLinton wrote:
Pardon me? That's a lot of presumption.
It's not self-serving or altruistic, or with any ulterior motive.
It's not a higher grade.
It's not virtue signalling, but thanks for making it sound that way (not).
Most people who have claimed to love me, didn't know me at all.
They loved who they thought I was, or an image in their own mind. ("Oh you're so smart")
They loved what I could do for them (e.g., three gay men admitted they used me, to appear straight)
They loved my independence without thinking I was also vulnerable.
Or they loved my vulnerability without thinking I was independent.
Most of them couldn't answer a single question about my life history, beyond the superficial.
This includes the man I married, who chose me because of what I could do for him.
No one has ever really understood the whole package, or cared much to investigate.
Either that or I'm some mystery to solve, and they like the adrenaline rush more than they like me.
They're usually disappointed in what they find, because I'm a regular person instead of an illusion.
I'm not faulting anyone.
I'm not saying I don't deserve love. It's not a pathological self-reproach.
It's just what it is.
Lots of people act this way ^ when they think they're in love.
It's especially common for autistic people to be misunderstood or misread, by those who say they love us.
People are often attracted to our quirkiness, but that doesn't make it love.
I'm not being critical of anyone, that's just how it's been.
At the time I loved being loved. It was great. No complaints. I thought it was real.
Even if it was real (or as real as the other person could make it), I love the act of knowing and loving them.
I don't know if I'm explaining it right.
I guess I have a different vision of what love is, than most of the people I've met.
They think: "My partner makes ME feel great!", instead of "I admire / understand who THEY are".
When I love someone, it's because of who they are. All parts of them.
It's not about how they make me feel, or what they do for me.
I guess I'm saying that I love being an active participant, instead of a passive recipient.
Wonderful post. The connection between love and knowing is old, as you may know. I believe Socrates draws this conclusion in one of Plato's dialogues.
As you describe, many actually love the feelings they associate with us, instead of who we are. This is what makes this Oscar Wilde quote so valuable:
Quote:
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
(From
Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young.)