37 years old and (involuntarily) never had a girlfriend.

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Very few people flat out tell you that the issue is height (or lack thereof). NTs expect you to "just know."

Correct. It's one of those things everyone knows but girls don't openly say.

Can you tell us more about what you have tried and how it went.

Instead of thinking of what you can change to make yourself more desirable, maybe you should think of how you could meet women who might be attracted to you. Do you have female friends? I had a lot of social anxiety and found have a married, older female friend was helpful in getting over that.

I don't buy the height thing. You think you will find a woman who will accept you being autistic, but would have a problem with your height? I can't see that.

The only couple I knew where the woman was taller than the man ended in a breakup after a couple of years. Incidentally it was the guy who initiated it, for reasons he didn't share. The woman was heartbroken by it. She was over 6ft and had trouble finding a guy as most of them would consider her "too tall", i.e. she made the guy feel inferior. So height can be an issue for both genders.

I'm about 6ft4 and my dating issues definitely came down to my "special" ways of socialising. I was approached quite often but women consistently dropped me about 1 week of active dating. The fact that I did no exercise and looked quite scrawny didn't help, either.

Nowhere did I say that height was the sole issue. The biggest issue is subpar non verbal communication skills, if anything. Not to mention underemployment and low confidence.

Sorry, I didn't mean to single you out in particular, but you being the OP I can understand if you felt that way. The thing is that the height issue has popped up so many times here and some men seem to think that it's the no.1 watershed issue in dating, which it isn't, as you aptly point out.

I'm myself in the latter part of my 30s and I'm sure it'd be a nightmare if I had to start dating again now. I was rejected many many times before I found my partner. Subpar social skills is without a doubt my achilles heel.

Indeed it can be, but people (of all genders) vary a lot as to how important an issue it is for them, and it's my impression that women tend to be at least somewhat less fussy about a prospective partner's appearance (including height) than men tend to be.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 14 Mar 2022, 2:09 am, edited 2 times in total.

Actually, among the autistic people here on Wrong Planet, and especially among the women here, there seem to me to be plenty of left-of-center political moderates.

On the other hand, among the openly autistic people I've run into on Twitter, almost everyone is very left-wing.

I think this difference is mainly because Twitter and other major social media platforms are structurally conducive to the formation of political bubbles. On Twitter and other major social media, people are encouraged to block or mute people they disagree with.

In contrast, on old-fashioned message board forums like Wrong Planet, blocking/muting people is not an option, and people instead are encouraged to either (1) engage in civil-mannered debate or (2) avoid political discussion altogether by staying out of the politics and news sections.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 14 Mar 2022, 2:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

There are plenty of autistic women in their thirties who weren't diagnosed in high school or earlier but have gotten, or are in process of seeking, an autism evaluation as an adult.

And, whereas boys diagnosed with autism vastly outnumber girls diagnosed with autism, women in general are much more likely than men in general to see psychotherapists and hence are relatively more likely either to get a late autism evaluation or to informally identify themselves as autistic. Thus, here on Wrong Planet for example, the male-to-female ratio is often close to fifty-fifty. Certainly the male-to-female ratio here is much closer to fifty-fifty than you'll find on most dating sites, including the autistic ones. (Men vastly outnumber women on most dating sites because most women avoid online dating.)

As for you wondering if you are "too smart for my own good": NO, that is definitely NOT a problem!! ! -- at least if you are open to relationships with autistic women. There are plenty of intellectually-oriented autistic women. And intellectual companionship is an excellent initial basis for a friendship and possibly more. (And as I said earlier, many women, including autistic women, do favor a friendship-first approach to romantic relationships.)

And the fact that you have a decent-paying job is definitely a plus if you are hoping to get married.

Anyhow, if you're looking for a politically moderate autistic woman in her thirties, one of your best bets might be Wrong Planet and other similar message board forums (of which I've listed two others on this page).

Of course, the big drawback of Wrong Planet and similar forums is that, while they are great places to meet people from all over the world, they are not-so-great places to find people who live near you. So, either you or your prospective girlfriend would likely need to be willing and able to move at some point. Not the easiest thing in the world, especially for autistic people.

If you do choose to look for potential partners on WP and other autistic forums, here is some advice:

1) Don't treat the forum as if it were a dating service. Continue posting here only if you are here for more reasons than just your search for a partner.

2) Don't be too quick to send private messages (PM's) to women. Send PM's only to those women in your target age range with whom you've had friendly interaction in the context of public discussion in the forums, and your first PM's should not suggest the possibility of romantic interest. You'll need to take a friends-first approach (and many women do prefer a friends-first approach).

3) Post primarily in sections other than "Love and Dating," and primarily about topics other than just your desire for a girlfriend and your frustration at not finding one. It's okay to talk about the latter topics occasionally, but, to most women including most women here, it's a big turnoff for a man to obsess about these things too much, in thread after thread after thread, as some men here unfortunately do. Most women, including most women here, prefer partners who have interests of their own, apart from just their desire for a partner.

4) I would suggest that you also edit your profile to add a signature line that mentions both your interests and the general nature of your career (without being specific enough to endanger your privacy).

Yeah I don't want height to be a "sole factor" in my abysmal dating history either but it's one of the primary criteria that make women swipe "no"

1. Race
2. Height
3. Weight

Somewhere down the list is personality

I'm in my mid-50s so it wouldn't even cross my mind to hypothetically date again.

I'm dreading my 40s when everyone start comparing their lives to yours based on how many kids you have, how smart they are, how high you climbed on the corporate ladder and your corresponding salary ... hopefully my life will be idiosyncratic enough to my peers to not allow comparison.

If you literally mean "swipe no" -- as on a dating app -- well, yes, it's kind of hard to see someone's personality on a typical dating app. Most dating apps intrinsically encourage extreme superficiality, which is one of the reasons why many women don't like dating apps at all, in the first place.

While height is definitely important, height is rarely the sole reason why someone can't find a girlfriend. It's actually a multitude of factors that determines whether or not someone will struggle with dating.

I'm going to give you an example. I know some short men who have zero problems with attracting women. Why? Because they have positive qualities about themselves that make up for their short stature. I know a 5 ft 4 half black half mexican guy and his girlfriend is a 5 ft 6 cute blonde girl. Despite being 5 ft 4, he's very athletic, has a good body, decent hairstyle, and isn't ugly as all so his positive qualities offset his short stature. I also knew a 5 ft 2 asian guy. Despite being short, he was facially attractive, fairly extroverted, and his looks and style were always on point and as a result, had no problems with women.



In contrast, the short men I know who suck with women have a multitude of negative qualities and not just their height. I know a guy who's 5 ft 2, introverted, autistic, and facially not that attractive, who's almost 30 and never had a girlfriend. It's the same with another guy who's around 5 ft 5, very overweight, very unattractive, and unemployed, that's never been in a relationship before.



So the point is that if you're short, as long as you have other qualities about yourself that are positive, and offset your short stature disadvantage, your dating prospects won't take a huge hit.

I kind of mean't it metaphorically.

When a woman sees a man she goes through a checklist
1. white - yes...tick
2. is he tall enough - yes - tick
3. now...how does he look? body/face/clothes/grooming....tick - yes
4. is he rich.....tick yes

so about 4-5 later on the list after that comes personality

I would never be picked on a dating site.

I'm just short of 5 foot 5, and I have only a clerical job. And I'd be considered overweight in the BMI sense.

When I was desperate once, I answered a newspaper ad, and met a most unusual person. She gave me the "crabs"---but she taught me a lot about sex. This was almost 40 years ago, when there really was no Internet for all intents and purposes.