Share a fact about yourself that you WOULDN'T tell a date

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Have you reached the point of a seemingly unending bleakness lying ahead, then had at least brief respite, or does it seem more like a continuum of despair?

One of my few beacons of hope has long been trying to hold onto the feeling I sometimes get when things are going well, and I am in a state of at least contentment, if not absolute joy. This is very difficult for me, as I don't seem to have the ability to "feel" something I've felt in a memory, instead it's more of a memory of a memory, and I have to assume that I really did feel nice that time, and can and will again, at least on occasion.

Darron

It’s mostly a continuum. I’ve been through too much trauma to be a success in any way. I try very hard but crash and burn every single time. My hope is fading away with my youth.

In 30 years (and less), I’ll probably be alone and in extreme poverty. I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship, so I’m not complaining about that. I was just speaking of being alone in general.

Do you have a vision of what it would take for the worries about destitution to evaporate?

I often think about various levels of financial "success", and wonder how they would affect me, and at what level I would become self-destructively self-indulgent.
Better to live the simplest, most ascetically pure life?
I love my interests too much to become a monk, I think, but do admire the seeming contentment that some profess when living The Very Simple Life.

For me at least, it's the "unevenness" of autism that is the most discouraging:

-Abilities that come and go.
-Bursts of ambition that lead to spectacular burnout.
-Perceptions by others that one's strong but narrow abilities extend to any and all aspects of one's capabilities.
-The endless cycles of believing that I've found an "answer" to some challenge that will positively reverberate for years, but instead seeing it fizzle into nothingness.
-Being praised for achievements that I can not replicate with anything like regularity.
-Interacting with someone in a way that just feels "right", but then have it backfire in spectacular fashion.
-And having what would seem to most to be a mildly challenging surprise cripple my functionality in an instant.

Darron

A brain transplant.

I'm not led to derision, mistrust, and outright condemnation.
I don't blame myself.
I don't think my mind is faulty.
I don't think I have to be molded into anything.

I believe in love.
I love more fiercely than anyone I've met.
I'm very good at love - just not at all the propaganda people expect.

I found the man I love and want, after some trial and error.
He was raised with the white picket fence idea, based on his storybook marriage.
It's taken him a while to admit he doesn't want that ^ again either, as a widower.

I don't think I'd EVER want to try dating someone else.
.... Except of course my dream unicorn but that's never gonna happen.

Having an acute form of Developmental topographical disorientation; to the point it’s so embarrassing.

I can get drunk on tea.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m happy or okay.

Interesting- I had just gotten home after retrieving my small stash of Kratom, and was about to make some tea with it, with which to get high...

Darron

Etta's lyrics are the sort of sentiment that I always assumed one must feel to be worthy of saying "I'm in love"...
I still have no satisfactory personal definition of "love", despite trying for close to 25 years, now.

Darron

Oops-

What I meant to write was "It is so important to trust one's instincts, but when your instincts have so often led to derision, mistrust and outright condemnation BY OTHERS, how can you blame YOURSELF for starting to believe that YOUR own mind is faulty, and must be molded into a standard-issue shape?"

Darron

People with autoimmune diseases probably shouldn't reproduce. Both because of the risk of passing the condition along, the risky of the disease harming the pregnancy, and the increased risk of the parent being physically unable to care for the child.



I don't know how or when to have the suicide talk.

I had a chance to date a woman a few years ago. Interest was mutual. We got along very well. One of the reasons I turned down the relationship, which I can't tell her, is suicide.

Her brother committed suicide less than a decade ago and it's still emotionally raw for her because they were very close. So suicide is a sore subject for her, in any context.

She has a chronic pain condition that IMO means she's justified killing herself any time she wants. I fear the day she would say "I can't stand the pain any longer; please my love smother me with a pillow." It would be heartbreaking for me.

I'm a big proponent of right to die. I have a substantial list of conditions under which I would commit suicide. They range from somewhat socially acceptable (Alzheimers) to controversial (blindness, deafness, paraplegia). Plus de facto suicide: I refuse to ever have heart surgery or treatment for cancer.

Hopefully none of those conditions happen anytime soon. Nowadays I have a lot of responsibilities.

If I could give one piece of advice to my teenage self it would be to commit suicide. I did consider suicide when I was a teenager. Main reason I didn't back then was there's no reliable way to do it by yourself.

Oh sure nowadays I have a great career, which is actively both helped and hindered by my ASD + iADHD. (That double-edged sword cuts almost daily.) I didn't even have to sacrifice personal relationships to get it.

But my personal life is a failure. The way I see it life is only worth living with personal success (friends/family), career success, and good health. I only have 1 1/2 of the 3.

Even if I were to meet the woman of my dreams tomorrow I'm in my 40s. I have to live with the memories of all the time spent in loneliness, and probably only have about 20 years together instead of 50+. And chances are slim of even just a good relationship that will last. I've never had one even make it to a year, and no dates in five years.

I can't even say "if this relationship ends for any reason it will increase my desire to die" because that's considered emotionally manipulative. But it's true. No matter what stage the relationship fails at or why, no matter if it ends on good terms or bad, that it ended is emotionally exhausting and depressing.

It's not just my life but the world we live in. Humans are just awful creatures. Even before Trump and COVID. If I had the Infinity Gauntlet I would snap the entire human race out of existence.

So yeah that's a difficult conversation to have, no matter how long you date someone. But especially someone traumatized by suicide.

^^^ I don't connect with that song as much because I was in a very abusive marriage for years and so I have mixed feelings about loneliness. There are worse things than being alone. I am not sure about the future, though. I don't want to look back on my life with regret. It's complicated, I think.

I once went on a date with a vegan & ate an animal burger in front of her at McDonald's.

It seemed like it might upset her, but I don't like vegetables and never have, since being a kid.

What is a guy to do?

After my experience of the last 20+ years, I should insist on any imaginary future partner being very open to the idea that it's very OK to discuss what happens when life ends, "naturally" or by choice. If this absolute certainty of every single human life is an "off limits" subject, then I think that would be a critical difference in outlook that would doom the relationship, beyond the more Universal doom that all relationships must suffer:




I'm with you most of the way on this, except that I'm not yet ready to refuse medical treatment for life-threatening conditions. If I was, I would have died in my bed some months ago, in a majorly f*****g stupid, pathetic way.


The thing is, there are readily available, peaceful, non-messy, certain means, but no, I'm not going to advise about this. I sometimes think that people that use this excuse know damn well that there are easy ways out, but choose to remain blinkered about this, lest they be overly tempted?


You could have met the woman of your dreams when you were 18, then both been killed by a drunk driver six months later. Or you could meet a really cool chick tomorrow, and have a decent year with her, better than you might have had on your own.
Even your hypothetical 50+ year relationship may not be as rosy as you imagine. My parents have been married since before I was born, 55+ years, now, and although they still live together, and get along well enough, don't fool yourself into thinking that's paradise.

It's up to you to decide to rest great emphasis upon the measure of time spent with an unobtainable woman, rather than good quality time on your own, or with a few interesting women, before the flame sputters out.


I put every bit of this emphasis on my previous relationships, but if I fool myself enough, I imagine that I can now find satisfaction in the delightful mundanities of an "ordinary" one. This is probably madness, but I cling to it.


I used a somewhat different metaphor when at a low ebb, talking about my attitude towards existence with my last ex, maybe 10+ years ago.
I imagined a simple button, which if I pressed it, would not just eliminate humanity, but time, space, history, and even the button itself from having ever existed, and even the basic notion of existence never having been, and having no way for such to ever spontaneously assert itself upon the Void.
Even the Void would disappear, as it's still an idea, and must become null.
This disturbed her quite a lot, I can assure you...
Best to keep some things to one's self...


Darron

"I know where they buried the bodies."