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How do you decide if someone is right for you?

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bee33
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12 Sep 2024, 1:56 am

babybird wrote:
cyberdad wrote:

Oh brother, Bee's question was "Is this person right for me". For a male the algorithm is simple, nice pleasant personality, she isn't running away, she could be the one.


This might be why I've heard so many men say "as soon as I met her I knew I was gonna marry her". I can't remember ever hearing a woman say this

For me it's a rational choice to be with someone. So if they're successful, have their own gaff, are independent, can look after themselves and they must already have a social life and be able to hold down relationships and friendships on their own without me. I guess I just don't want someone who depends on me in any way. I'm not gonna be someone's mother
For me it's not a rational choice. I just feel a wave of closeness and comfort toward a person. I would love for my partner to depend on me and for me to depend on him. He's actually more independent than I am, and I have to try not to crowd him or be a burden to him. If I had my way we would be glued at the hip.

I also don't care at all if they are successful and have a social life. What I used to say to my late boyfriend was "I don't need you to do anything for me, I just need you to be my sweetie."



cyberdad
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12 Sep 2024, 2:00 am

babybird wrote:
For me it's a rational choice to be with someone. So if they're successful, have their own gaff, are independent, can look after themselves and they must already have a social life and be able to hold down relationships and friendships on their own without me. I guess I just don't want someone who depends on me in any way. I'm not gonna be someone's mother


90% of the single male WP members left the chat :lol:
No seriously, you are perfectly entitled to your own personal preferences.



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12 Sep 2024, 2:06 am

bee33 wrote:
Unfortunately I don't think there's a formula, but I do think it's hard for dirtbags to pretend to be kind indefinitely. Look for kindness, not just towards you but how do they treat waitstaff in restaurants, for instance? Be on the lookout for flaws in their armor.

What other sorts of flaws should I be looking for? My two relationships were with friends I'd known for 10+ years before I tried dating them. I thought I knew them, and I'd seen them both be kind to other people and me...but they changed almost instantly when we started dating and I was caught totally off-guard. It's very possible that I am as bad at picking up on red flags as I am figuring out compatibility if it happened twice.



bee33
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12 Sep 2024, 2:12 am

Rhapsody wrote:
bee33 wrote:
Unfortunately I don't think there's a formula, but I do think it's hard for dirtbags to pretend to be kind indefinitely. Look for kindness, not just towards you but how do they treat waitstaff in restaurants, for instance? Be on the lookout for flaws in their armor.

What other sorts of flaws should I be looking for? My two relationships were with friends I'd known for 10+ years before I tried dating them. I thought I knew them, and I'd seen them both be kind to other people and me...but they changed almost instantly when we started dating and I was caught totally off-guard. It's very possible that I am as bad at picking up on red flags as I am figuring out compatibility if it happened twice.
Other flaws I would look out for are controlling and domineering behavior, being dismissive or contemptuous, always wanting to get their way. But if you knew them for 10 years I don't know. Unfortunately there's no test for someone who will turn out to be a decent person and a good partner.



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12 Sep 2024, 2:14 am

bee33 wrote:
Other flaws I would look out for are controlling and domineering behavior, being dismissive or contemptuous, always wanting to get their way. But if you knew them for 10 years I don't know. Unfortunately there's no test for someone who will turn out to be a decent person and a good partner.

Okay, thank you! I didn't pick up on any of those behaviors when we were friends, and almost all of them came out when we were dating. Maybe I'll just wait until someone invents a test haha



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12 Sep 2024, 2:24 am

As predicted this has become a female Q&A
Perhaps the thread should be titled "Ladies, how do you decide if someone is right for you?"



bee33
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12 Sep 2024, 2:28 am

cyberdad wrote:
As predicted this has become a female Q&A
Perhaps the thread should be titled "Ladies, how do you decide if someone is right for you?"

Are you trying to be a jerk? Because if it's unintentional you are still succeeding. :)



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Sep 2024, 5:17 am

- If they stick around while you are at your bottom.
- Not toxic (not mean, not violent, not dramatic, not childish, no silent treament...etc).



babybird
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12 Sep 2024, 2:30 pm

cyberdad wrote:
babybird wrote:
For me it's a rational choice to be with someone. So if they're successful, have their own gaff, are independent, can look after themselves and they must already have a social life and be able to hold down relationships and friendships on their own without me. I guess I just don't want someone who depends on me in any way. I'm not gonna be someone's mother


90% of the single male WP members left the chat :lol:.


:lol:


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uncommondenominator
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12 Sep 2024, 2:52 pm

cyberdad wrote:
I assume this question is for females. For males, I'm afraid its rather simple.


cyberdad wrote:
For a male the algorithm is simple, nice pleasant personality, she isn't running away, she could be the one.


cyberdad wrote:
As predicted this has become a female Q&A
Perhaps the thread should be titled "Ladies, how do you decide if someone is right for you?"


But by your own words, men find the process simple, and you've already outlined it.

What else is there even for men to talk about? Is there more? Just cos the men have run out of things to add doesn't mean the women are taking over. Y'all gave up the space with your silence, when you ran out of things to say.

If this is such a big issue, maybe the men should chime in more?



cyberdad
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12 Sep 2024, 4:38 pm

uncommondenominator wrote:
But by your own words, men find the process simple, and you've already outlined it.


Yeah, the progress of the thread largely validated my point.



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12 Sep 2024, 4:40 pm

bee33 wrote:
Are you trying to be a jerk? Because if it's unintentional you are still succeeding. :)


Awww Bee, meesa gungin, meesa no hurt lady



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12 Sep 2024, 9:00 pm

cyberdad wrote:
As predicted this has become a female Q&A
Perhaps the thread should be titled "Ladies, how do you decide if someone is right for you?"


cyberdad wrote:
uncommondenominator wrote:
But by your own words, men find the process simple, and you've already outlined it.


Yeah, the progress of the thread largely validated my point.


But then what are you whining about? The men got to say their piece, too - by your own admission. It might be more of a Q&A for men if there were actually any further questions to ask. But what further questions would you have someone ask regarding "she doesn't run away"? That pretty much sums things up. Or like, are you expecting people to ask if there's a specific distance that she does or doesn't have to run - or is any running at all a disqualifier? Same goes for "pleasant personality". What's stopping YOU from further elaborating what things YOU find pleasant? It was already asked, "how do you decide"? If there are specific elements of a "pleasant personality" you look for, or does it not matter, as long as it's "pleasant"? If so, then there's not even any further questions to ask.

So what exactly is your complaint?



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12 Sep 2024, 9:13 pm

Thought i’d toss in my inexperienced answer to “How do you decide if someone if right for you?”

I love them & they love me
They listen and understand
Similarity in several aspects
They’re kind to themself, me, and those around them

Mmmmm all those sound pretty good


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cyberdad
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12 Sep 2024, 10:26 pm

uncommondenominator wrote:
Same goes for "pleasant personality". What's stopping YOU from further elaborating what things YOU find pleasant? It was already asked, "how do you decide"? If there are specific elements of a "pleasant personality" you look for, or does it not matter, as long as it's "pleasant"? If so, then there's not even any further questions to ask.


Where do I start? One of the myths in human relationships is this idea that friendship/companionship means having
1. common interests
2. common upbringing
3. common experiences
4. seeing things the same way.
5. common culture
6. common politics
7. common tastes
If the above were true then I couldn't explain why my wife has stuck with me for 24 years.

Pleasantness is simple. Its having the decency to give people a chance. Being patient, listening to them and spending time with them. Smiling and being present (not staring at your phone seeking some other distraction to get away).



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12 Sep 2024, 10:31 pm

Just because those things aren't important to you doesn't mean that at least some of them aren't to some people, so it's not a myth unless one tries to assert that preferences and relationship needs are the same for everyone. Very often, folks believe that their experience is true for everyone when that simply is not the case. On a personal note, I don't need to have all of those things in common with a partner, but I do need to have some of them to some degree.