How to tell if a girl is interested in you

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What about sitting on a chair in the "lotus position"?

That's a tough one. If you get the "downward dog", then you're off to the races...

What the hell does this mean...?

And yes, the eyes make me feel like I've walked into the wrong dressingroom or something. Eye-contact is the way to break me (note that I might run away).

It's a joke - both "lotus" and "downward dog" are yoga postures, and if you google for pictures I think you'll get my drift...

About the eye contact: this was a very hard thing for me to get over, and sometimes I still have trouble if I'm caught off guard, but there is a method I've found that will help, as long as you make the effort.

This involves going to a public place, like a mall or a busy street that is far enough away from where you live or work so that you can be relatively sure that you will not see these people ever again, and walking up and down, making eye contact with oncoming people as they pass. Thing is, you never see them again, never have to engage them or speak to them, so the embarrassment factor is cut down.

An analogy: to exercise a muscle properly, you need to isolate it, meaning you work that muscle and nothing else. This is about EYE CONTACT, and nothing else, so that will relieve some pressure. Don't try to start conversations, just stay focused on your mission, and keep score against yourself.

I will not lie to you - this is HARD. But so is anything else worth doing. The key, like anything else, is to start at the basics, start slow before getting to the advanced skill sets.

I recommend a pair of mirrored sunglasses for the first few runs, that will make it easier to look at people's eyes; you can point your head to the right, but look to the left, and nobody but you knows. You are safe, and you can begin to associate looking in the eyes of others with safety and comfort. When you feel comfortable, try taking them off for a bit at a time, until you can go without them with confidence.

It's interesting how you put it - "feel like I've walked into the wrong dressingroom". To me that sounds like you think you are being invasive, doing something bad, something that you will get in trouble for. I felt the exact same way, almost like I was committing rape by looking, like she would think I was some sort of pervert who only wanted sex. You will never solve your shyness unless you can begin to understand how it operates in your head. What I always did that screwed me up was to tell myself that I was stupid or weird for feeling this way, which made me feel bad for feeling bad, aka a negative feedback loop. I started to deny my sexuality, to become sexless in order that I wouldn't feel like a monster. I had the double-whammy of a)having to go to Catholic school, where sex is a sin and b)being taught by horrible ugly man-haters that all men are rapists. This quite literally put me in fear of losing my soul to Satan; is it any wonder that I felt like I was going to die when I made eye contact with a beautiful woman?

Just take it slow, and try not to beat yourself up.

The first time I tried this I made it to the mall parking lot, but my growing anxiety caused me to freak out, panic, and floor it. I took my car over a median strip, out into traffic and through a red light, speeding and weaving as if my life depended on it. Pure terror.

Funny thing is, I've been in MANY situations where my life was in real immediate danger, and I always felt like time slowed down and I knew just what to do, handling it perfectly, and then I have a panic attack over looking people in the eye. What that tells me is that my panic and terror were irrational.

That's actually why I have the signature I do - it reminds me that to get over my fears, I must move towards them rather than away, to understand them inside and out instead of trying to eliminate them.

Hope this has been of some help.

If a women was to ever flirt me with me it would only be one of two reasons:

A) She likes the way I look. Which is liking a picture of me; not what I am.

B) She thinks I will make a lot of money when I grow older.

Since both of those reasons are materialistic at best; I am never obligated to flirt back.

Are you saying that men have different tastes in women, but women don't have different tastes in men? When I'm attracted to someone, it's not because I decided to be but because I felt it. I certainly don't choose who I want to be attracted to. I don't think anyone does.

Regarding some of yesterday's posts:

Remember that this thread is in the Love and Dating forum--not the Adult forum. Kids are reading this.

I wasn't being clear. Sometimes if a thought is in my head I simply assume that everyone gets me.

I meant that attraction works differently in men than in women, as men and women have different needs. Women tend to be attracted to "High Status Males", also known as men who are successful and have high social value. What exactly defines "successful" is different for any given society or segment thereof.

Since there are, by definition, very few HSMs, it is in women's best interests to be able to quickly identify who is and who is not high status.

So, what I mean by a generalization such as "all women want the same guy" is that women, consciously or unconsciously react to OTHER WOMEN'S response to any given man. This unvocalized opinion can spread very quickly throughout a room, the same as a negative opinion. Women are so good at instinctively finding out a man's status that they trust the judgment of other females immediately. So, if I were to walk up to you in a crowded bar and make a jerk of myself, every other woman that saw that would know that I failed to meet some pretty basic standards of status.

If a woman gets pregnant, there are a lot of things that are harder or outright impossible for her, and she needs to make sure that the whole escapade will be worth it. She (well, her genes) needs to have a successful offspring, and she needs resources which she can't get on her own (or couldn't in our evolutionary past), so it makes sense to find a man who can support and protect both her and her child.

Men have the luxury of "fire and forget" and therefore tend to not plan for the future in the same way women simply MUST. A lot of men think women are shallow for finding wealth attractive, but what is shallow about making sure your kids will be well cared for?

This is why looks are really not as important as most men think they are. A good sense of humour, the ability to make music, to fix things; these are all skills which others value, and are in the end much more important than looks. Women want proof of skills, and very few men know how to provide that. Good looking men tend to be more confident, and are chosen for that reason rather than superficiality.

You're right - attraction is not a choice. Men and women generally have different priorities, that's all.

[deleted double post]

Last edited by Kurtz on 11 Nov 2007, 7:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am currently dating AND suck at it still cause I simply cant read her at all, this helps me a little bit and I will take notice to determine how she feels about me because sometimes I feel mixed about how she might feel about me. Hmm... thats confusing, but I fear she may think im not progressing, or not interested or whatever, I really am but its hard to determine what may be appropriate as far as a gesture or word if I dont know how she feels, and I dont want to just come out and say it, its hard and we talked a little about it, but I have work to do, alot more still and any visual cue I can get (such as the leg thing) can really help me alot, IMO.

Most of the women here don't fit this stereotype. Yes, the stereotype is true to a degree for most women but you'll probably find that a lot of the women here are going to disagree with you. Aspie women, like a lot of Aspie guys, tend to want someone they can relate to, who shares some of their interests, gives them space, and is tolerant to some of their "quirks".

Likewise, a lot of the advice you've given on flirting will backfire for a lot of Aspie girls. I personally would run and never look back if some guy flirtatiously motioned for me to kiss him on the cheek and then slapped me on the ass and told me to hit the road afterwards.

I'm not trying to be a b**ch; I think a lot of what you say is dead on for most people. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of human nature in most cases. I'm just trying to point out that Aspies (male and female) are very different from the majority of people you've probably come into contact with.

I date intelligent women exclusively, and when I look back . One quirk of intelligent women is that they lack meaningful challenge in their lives, as they are used to being able to dominate men. I validate their intelligence and their sexuality; ignore one or the other and you're sunk, because you're being a liar. I never ever mask the sexual dimension of my personality, and that helps to build the comfort necessary for a physical interaction to occur.

Prudish women have an enormous sexual energy that they keep under wraps because they are afraid of its ferocity should it get loose. Many adult actresses are Mensa material - high IQ tends to correlate with high sex drive, and prudishness is the flip side of the harlot coin. Shakespeare said it best: the lady doth protest too much. I have a knack for making her feel safe enough to trust me so that she can let go and be in the moment; I know that I have to be bold enough for the two of us, and she knows that I will not hurt her ego.

I'm very patient too. Most high IQ girls don't think they are attractive, they think there is something wrong with them, and they don't believe it when you compliment them. The reason I pull that cheek-kiss routine is that it allows them to express affection in a way that lets them plausibly deny any "sluttiness", an "it is and it isn't" type of thing. Then, I reciprocate the gesture of affection, again validating her. Now, where the buttslapping comes in: if she is an AS type or a geek chick (again, the only ones I go for) she will start to feel a bit of guilt or "dirtiness" or regret at making a display of affection, a zillion thoughts are going through her head, oohisthisagoodideawhatamigettingmyselfinto??? and then WHAP! This does several things - it validates her anxiety and self-abasement with a mock-punishing gesture, but also lets her know not to get all wrapped up in her head, that it's okay, I know what she's thinking, and that I'm as "bad" as she is.

So, as counter-intuitive as it might seem, it is all geared around validating the inner world of the socially awkward female rather than boorish pawing. In fact, I would not try that if a)I wasn't interested in seeing her again and b)I thought she would freak out. I mean, there's a lot more intimate things one can do than apply sharp intermittent force to a bum-bum; it's all in how you lead up to it and how honest you are.

If you really look over everything I've written, you'll begin to see that what I am doing by being so outrageous is placing myself in a position of extreme vulnerability over and over again, and women seem to pick up on the fact that I think they are worth the risk. I'm giving her the best compliment in the world in an oblique manner, like a male version of coquetteishness.

You know, the number one complaint by men about women is that they always say they want the "nice guy" and then go and date someone that treats them like garbage. With all due respect, women just don't know what the hell they're talking about when it comes to men. Rather than ask, "what is your ideal man?", I ask, "what were your past boyfriends like?' Actions speak louder than words, male or female. If she only dates Hells Angel's but says she wants a nice guy, that says something about her true tastes. This is also a good, face saving way to find out if we are compatible without being uncomfortably direct.

One question: why would I think you're a b***h? It was a perfectly valid question to ask, and this is very counter-intuitive stuff. I have a rule: I never bite someone's head off unless they act up first.

Believe me, no one was more resistant to this type of thinking than me. I saw in your profile that you like to study evolutionary psychology, and that is what the bulk of this is based on.

There are a lot of people here who are very sensitive and will sometimes lash out at the slightest perceived insult. I try to tread softly until I know their personality better (unless they outright attack me, then I just don't give a s**t )

I don't have time right now to respond in full to your post as I'm swamped with work. I'm attempting to finish it up before I go into the office tomorrow. I also need to digest some of what you said - not sure what I think just yet.

To be honest, after thinking about your post, I'm still not sure of what I think from a general standpoint. What I'm going to do is answer from a personal stance. From other posts here, I think some of the other women will be able to relate.

I can be too trusting and too open with my feelings. As a result, I've run into some guys who've taken advantage of that. I'm pretty protective of myself at this point. I tend to be wary of guys who seem as though they have a standard role or moves they go through in dating a woman. It makes me wonder just how many women they've dated (or slept with).

I feel more comfortable with guys who show a bit of insecurity in the whole dating thing. It's not that I want to dominate anyone; I like a guy who will stand up for his beliefs and not roll over for anyone. I just don't want to be in a situation again where I wonder "how many times has he used this line/move/story before and is it just an act to get down my pants?".

I know insecurity and nervousness are not tell all signs that a guy won't end up hurting you. And I know self assuredness and "coquettishness", as you put it, are not sure signs a guy is a player. It's just that I feel more like I'm with an equal when the guy I'm with is as nervous and unsure as I am.

By the way, my response to your butt slapping comment wasn't because I'm prudish (not saying that's what you were insinuating). Touch is one of my sensory issues though and I've learned that I need to go slowly when it comes to physical intimacy. I can't stand to be touched by most people, and am practically addicted to touch when I'm close to someone. The problem is that I get confused when I get physically close to someone too soon; I start to feel emotionally closer to them than I should be at that point.

Holy cow! then I could be a total don juan if I wanted to! O.o
lol or I could just be that guy friend that their boyfriends hate because I know them better than their girlfriends...
but if two of my female friends get identical hairstyles.... I'm doomed... That's like one of the only ways I can tell some people apart... odd, ain't it?

I would think something was very wrong if a guy friend knew me better than the guy I was dating. I think that would be my queue to ditch the boyfriend and date the friend. It's strange to me that women stay with guys who know little about them. I think that's why I usually end up falling for guys I'm initially just friends with. For me, attraction has more to do with personality and compatibility than with anything else.

I'm sure your friends would forgive you for getting their outsides mixed up since you seem to have a good grasp on their internal differences.