Don't trust ANYTHING women say.

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Mr. Spock once described the human female as a mass of conflicting impusles
Nonetheless, young women are well known for sending mixed messages to guys and then acting like its the guys fault for not reading them properly(AARGH). The good news is that getting into the same bed was going a little bit MORE than halfway.

You probably put too much effort into it. Just try to have fun when you first start dating someone. The more you put into a relationship, the more it hurts when it falls apart. It happens to couples everyday! Just be thankful that you don't have to go through a divorce with this girl.

When someone says they just want to be friends, that is what they mean. She may have got into bed with you and then thought it was a mistake and so quickly got out again. She was probably not teasing you or trying to hurt you.

I had a man who wanted me to be his girlfriend and I told him we were just good friends. I refused to let him hug me or touch me in any way and told him that I did not like to be touched or hugged but he found excuses to brush against my hand or leg when we were having coffee. I had to keep telling him that we were meeting to discuss our hobby. In the end, I had to stop our meetings because although he had been told several times that we were only friends and there would never be more than that, he would not believe it.

I also made sure that the clothes I wore were boring, old fashioned and didn't show any of my body or even arms. I didn't make myself look attractive in any kind of way but still this man kept trying to talk about things that were too personal and nothing to do with our hobby.

Well, I had to tell him bluntly that I never wanted to see him again unless it was in the presence of others. I don't dislike him at all, I just don't want to be close to him and he would not let it be ordinary and pleasant. He had been known to do this before and I really hope he finds someone because he really wants a girlfriend.

I guess it depends on the state you're in... I'm assuming you're still clothed. For one thing, when you're hanging out in someone's room, the bed is often the only place to sit/lie.
I've shared beds with both men and women that I wasn't sexually attracted to, it is a feeling of closeness, lying beside someone. I don't do it often, mind. But it happens, for instance, when I was in college I shared a bed with one of my female roommates for a few nights, maybe we were just scared of sleeping alone, but weren't really aware of it.

On a side note, even if I was romantically involved with a guy, I'd much prefer to lie next to him than to have sex with him, but that's just me. I can't assume that other women feel the same... and on that note, if she did want to have sex with him, and he was uncertain, that could've been a turn off... but we don't seem to know many details about the situation, only about Ken's reaction to it.

She realized it was a mistake after the fact, most likely because of something he said or did during that time. You make a mistake, you admit to it, you learn from it. That's the smart way to be.




That's YOU... you're not a woman. Most women (well me for sure) can lie beside someone without feeling an urge to jump on them. It's intimacy, but it's not sexual.



That's exactly your problem--you keep talking about 'sending messages' and deciphering body language, when you should really be listening to the words coming out of her mouth. Because as long as you're 'interpreting' her actions, you're only gonna see what you want to see.



No idea what she was thinking or feeling? Could it have been affection perhaps, or returning a gesture? How does that translate into sex?



Holding your hand was going too far? You'd probably think I was attracted to you if I tapped you on the shoulder.

Let me ask you something Zee. If you had a boyfriend or a husband, would go lay next to your guy friend in a bed and cuddle with them.

What I'm getting from you is there is nothing wrong with cuddling with some guy that your not interested in.

If you say you wouldn't do that if you had a significant other, why not? It's harmless right?

I'll tell you this. I'm not a possessive guy, but if I found out the woman I was with was cuddling with some dude friend in his bed, It'd be over.

Girls staying in the same bed together is not the same as staying in the same bed and cuddling with someone of the opposit sex that your not even interested in.

Why do you keep talking about cuddling? No, I wouldn't do that if I was steady, but I might still lie in the same bed. If I thought twice about it, it would probably be because my bf would get jealous if he found out, and not because it made me feel bad in any way, since my intentions were platonic.

Well all I can say is good luck with that minset. Your going to get yourself into a lot of drama and ugly situations if you can't see that there is a line when it comes to the opposit sex.

Unless your guy friend is gay, your brother, or finds you utterly replusive, chances are they want to have sex with you. So sharing a bed going to lead them on.

GrantZilla's right zee, you dont seem to understand very well how guys think. Most women Ive met seem to understand that physical proximity to a guy-such as lying in the same bed together-even with your clothes on-is extremely inviting. Maybe the reason you dont see this is because you're an aspie woman and its hard for you to empathize with how a guy will react to your behaviour. Also, holding hands is a gesture of romantic affection and intimacy. Now regarding my first gf, by taking her hand I was basically making a pass at her and for her to grasp mine was a gesture of her accepting my advance. I really was testing the waters by doing that and I got a positive response. So then I lay down on her bed and she lay down next to me putting her head in the sheets and saying.....oooh all the bad things that happened in highschool . So we were lying in the same bed side by side and I said "hey C*****, why dont you lie on top of me"-so she put her head on my chest, I turned out the light and then she put her lips to mine and started french kissing me . You see what I mean? One thing leads to another. But if that girl who was sleeping in the same bed with kenM was just trying to meet him halfway then she sure as hell was sending mixed messages and she wasnt thinking about how he would interpret it. If I were kenM I would have Nothing to do with that girl from now on.

Might I add, with my first gf, the reason it had to do with sex is because like I said shortly after I held her hand we were both lying in her bed making out. Later on that evening she said: "if we were to have sex, would you be gentle?"; so there you go . I too have platonic relationships with straight women, but for me in order to be strictly platonic with a woman there are certain boundaries which must not be crossed. If a female friend does something that I consider to be sending mixed messages my instinct is to Back waaaaaa off and tell her that I felt she was crossing the line. Ive had some female friends and aquaintances flirt with me and to be honest that really puts me into that grey area I really dont like. I wish more women like you zee would understand that guys too have boundaries and crossing those boundaries is JUST As Offputting to us as it would be to you if and when we cross yours .

I agree with D1nk0, you can't treat male friends as if they were female. Most people treat same-sex and opposite-sex friends differently precisely to avoid sending mixed signals. She was sending mixed signals, maybe unwittingly and unintentionally, but even so that's why the OP feels hurt (more likely, she either changed her mind or was playing games). The overwhelming majoriy of men would consider a woman not related to them getting into their bed as a blatant sexual invitation (sitting on the same bed is different), and the vast majority of women are well aware of this. This is especially true if she knows he's attracted to her. Women are rarely upfront about what they want, hence men are accustomed, by necessity, to try to decipher non-verbal signals rather than wait for women to openly state what they want - in this case the OP made a reasonable interpretation of the signals, which virtually all men would have interpreted in the same way, an interpretation that would have been correct in the vast majority of cases. Of course the guy is going to be unhappy if he's getting 'I want to have sex with you' signals one minute and 'I just want to be friends' the next. We can't read minds, we can only interpret the signals we're getting.
It's best to either avoid friendships with the opposite sex altogether, or make an effort not to send mixed signals.

Good post pbcoll. It makes sense.

I cannot possibly accept the suggestion that the only permissible options for women with men are either total absence of touch, or else sexual intercourse.

Right you are pbcoll! I'd like to add zee and juliekitty, since I cannot properly read and interpret body language and since MOST women do not verbally state the boundaries from the start, the only way I can TRULY tell how the woman feels is to test the waters. Thats what I did some 10 years ago w/ Christine(my first gf). I honestly think thats what kenM was trying to do by inviting her to sleep in the same bed with him. But Im not really trying to vilify her for making a mistake-unless she really was leading him on. Thats something that nearly all guys HATE. Aspie women: I cannot stress how important it is to be Very Careful to not send mixed messages to NT men! Unfortunately this can lead to some really dire consequences: like Date Rape. Dont misinterpret what I say trying to make excuses for that kind of behaviour in men. I am not suggesting that a woman who makes a mistake in communication deserves to have that happen to her; but like they say its Better to be safe than sorry and to do what you can to avoid getting into those situations.

Thanks.

That is not what I meant, a pat on the back for example would be fine, it depends on many things (surely most people agree that getting into bed is a rather extreme case). There is a huge cultural issue here (and not just with the oppoiste sex), too - for example in some cultures it is customary to greet women with a kiss on the cheek (or even two or three), whereas in other cultures physical contact is essentially forbidden. In Britain I generally don't do physical contact with anyone not because I can't handle it but because I feel unsure about the rules.
Moments of confusion/awkwardness I've been involved in that kind of illustrate the importance of cultural context (all happened in Britain):

-An Eastern European guy trying to greet me with a kiss on the cheek.
-An Arab Muslim girl who nearly hugged me (everyone was congratulating her at the end of her exams, I was the only male present, and she was hugging everyone else and got caught up with it; in my culture that hug would've been the most natural thing in the world, but I did not put my arms around her as I knew she would feel awkward about it)
-Giving a good-bye hug to a German guy (he was leaving for good) he just stood there (in my country that hug would be essentially mandatory).