Why do women send mixed signals?

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Hazza (I happen to be a friend of Harrys, we live in sheringham) I know how you feel. I find that hard as well. Often, I assume girls don't like me. But from the evidence some do, others don't.
As you may have noticed I'm a selfish speaker, so if a girl is willing to listen to you then that may be a good indicater. If they take interest and what to see you often then I assume that's good.

KenM,

There is something about us Aspies that we attract a more than average share of predatory people in our lives than NT's and that woman seems to be just another example. I speak as another Aspie who has had and broken off other relationships more or less like the one you talk about on this thread. I think you did yourself a big favor breaking off and I'm sure you will continue to do yourself favors by standing firm in your decision that it's over.

The impression I have is that she was getting some need fulfilled for herself at your expense and that she never intended to reciprocate, let alone share her life. To me, her antics read as those of a c*** teaser and to add to that, I don't think she's been honest with you during all the time you had together.

You were honest with her in telling her squarely you have trouble reading people and that she needs to be more direct with you. Instead of seeing you in a new light of understanding and acceptance, she kept on playing that sexual cat-and-mouse game as if deliberately playing on your vulnerability. The feelings I have for a person of such caliber are unmentionable here

Oh... And there is that thingy with the wacky tobacky. Having no better control of its use -like any other intoxicant, raises BIG red flags in my book. There is no question that she has a problem with an addiction and only SHE can take the initiative to deal with it.

I know you invested a lot of your energy in trying to see this relationship become something you'd like it to have been and it will take some time to get over the hurt, but all I can say here is to chalk it up to another learning experience.

Something else though, having aspergers we send way more than our fair share of mixed messages ourselves. In that sense, I think we tend to on a certain level attract women who are into mixed messages (especially when the guy's kinda mysterious and doesn't come off as needy), they start giving mixed messages back thinking the game is on when in reality its all or mostly honest mistakes on our part. Not saying that's the case all the time but we have to remember what we're sending off. We have to realize that part of the force of attraction comes from sexual tension over mixed messages, a lot of NT women are drawn to that like moths (because its different), and the biggest trick is knowing how it all works and being able to use it to one's benefit. That's something I'm very interested in learning and with time I think it's starting to sink into my bottomline intuition - especially as I watch my NT friends and see the exact things David DeAngelo was mentioning being played right out in front of me all the time. Looks like we do have some natural gifts from some angles but the biggest thing is reconsiling ourselves and our ideals with the realities of attraction and learning to navigate it rather than hate it for being there because it doesn't agree with our way of thinking.

I agree. Girls love guys who are a bit different. My last and so far only girlfriend consistently refers to me, both then and now as a weirdo and yet she still dated me. If nothing else it makes us stand out from the crowd.

I keep reading Sheringham as shenanigan.

I know I send mixed signals myself. And I've come to the conclusion that htere is most likely two girls sending them back with some kind of intention. Actually, I think one of them is being failry obvious. But the other person (the one I actually wouldn't mind dating) is really confusing me. She's one of those really physical people. But she seems to ahve picked up on the fact that I'm not a fan of that kind of thing, And a few other things...hmm...now I'm just thinking out loud. Post over.

Most people send mixed messages.
In a societal environment consumed with capitalism and in chasing the childish ego, it is uncommen to find someone who is healthy in all areas of their lives and is wholly mature.

For me, one of the best things about being a regular contributor to these forums is growing into a mature acceptance of my Asperger's, owning my own quirks, and accepting the impact of both on those I form relationships with. Doing so in the company of other like minded Aspie's is also a real bonus.
I hope that your friend finds the the same in NA.

Once the door of compassion has been opened, it stays open.
I think it's healthy to continue to care that this lady does what is in her best interest.
I hope that you do too.

My Mom says Heidi sems very down and in a bad spot, we think she has some regrets about what happened. Mayde she realizes she needs help and what she lost.

If I were you I wouldn't think into it that much yet. You haven't seen her, yuo haven't gotten a feel for whether she even knows herself or what she wants just yet, so odds if you do think that much at this point you'll probably just drive yourself crazy grabbing at straws. Try not to think of her and try not to even think of her too much when you do talk to her.

All I want to do at this point is tell her " I had a bad reaction when I saw you using. I did not know I was going to have such a reaction. But that is not an excuse for how I treated you. I'm sorry." I don't care if Heidi and I stay friends right now, but I think these words will help.

I think she already knows that.
You really need to find a new obsession.
Even a couple of obsessions might work.

She is coming over my house to go to a meeting with my Mom, she'll be here in about 2 hours. This is the first time we'll see each other since the bad break off. Can I at least say hi or give her space?

I hope that you gave her space.
That does not mean that you can't be a gentleman.
But, just give her space, and go to an NA meeting please.

I hope that you gave her space.
That does not mean that you can't be a gentleman.
But, just give her space, and go to an AlAnon meeting please.

I gave her space, and I'm getting sick and tired of EVERYONE telling me to go to Alanon.

KenM,

I think you better Run Like Hell

That's really up to you whether or not your mom's problems got to you like that. If they did and you could benefit from talking to people that's one thing, otherwise tell em no thanks I'm fine. As long as you aren't lying to yourself on that then there's no need to give it any weight really.