CAn I just have a moan about my husband please?

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yes thre will ALWAYS be misunderstanding in inflection, text and communication in an AS forum.

im sorry if i appeared to generalise and NT bash.

please accept genuine apologies.

"my husband is an alchoholic and a drug addict."

There's your problem.

Saying something like "you're not a good enough mother" actually qualifies as psychological/verbal abuse. It's a subjective judgement and after many years of marriage with you, even if he has AS, I am sure he knows statements like that hurt.

He sounds like an abuser, psychologically if not physically. You are no way in the wrong if you leave.

mm I think most of the "I wanna divorce an aspie" crowd hang out at delphi forums fortunately.

I just wondered with the emotion 'coldness' mentioned whether it was actually AS or not. Because that 'ice' cold emotionless thing is schizoid, not AS.

How old are your kids? Are they aware of the sort of activities he's engaged in, or the verbal abuse he subjects you to, or have they been treated similarly? If so, there might be even more reason to leave him BECAUSE you have kids. Especially if they're younger, this could really damage them psychologically if a model of abusive behavior being acceptable continues to play out. And if it came out in divorce proceedings that he has serious drug addictions, not to mention if he behaves this way towards many people on a constant basis, he could very well lose ALL custody of the kids. Perhaps just broach the subject with him as a possibility, and spell out what this could mean - he'd be an idiot not to change his ways if something he cared about was at stake.

And if he loves the drugs and being able to act as he damn well pleases despite the effect it has on others more than he loves his family, then hey, who needs the bum anyways?

Time for my input here now:

What started the spiral towards drinking and drug taking and why? Once you have got passed these, you can move on to the next. Rebuilding your relationship. There is an old saying I know to be true "Absence makes the heart grow fond" Have you ever spent any time away from each other? In most relationships this is needed to realise each other again.

My only response to the OP is - you have children - leave him, he's abusive you are in a bad relationship he drinks and he is a drug addict. do not raise your children in that environment.
AS does not automatically mean you are a bad parent an alcoholic and a drug user, this is no model for your children and AS is irrelevant here.

Here is a different spin.

I'm wondering if this guy is the only bread winner in the family?

I was accused of using abusive language to my ex. And, yes I darn well did. Why, because struggling with AS and having to take care of a family is very stressful in itself and my ex fought me tooth and nail to stay home and not work to raise one child. When the kid was old enough to go to school I thought I might get some relief but nope. I just got more lies, which in turn made things worse.

My verbal abuse stemmed from her insistence to dump all of the responsibility on me just so she could "play mommy". So, the triggers ended up being about money. To me, constant lying and not making an effort to help out financially is a form of abuse in a relationship and kinda sexist.

Maybe check out a marriage counselor first and try that. My ex and I went to one, once but my ex did not like that the counselor was agreeing with me most of the time!

Good Luck

ok, it is the OP here. REturning to this thread with very much open eyes!!
thank you all for your comments, all of them very interesting.

Yes you are correct, I am a despirate woman who has self diagnosed my husband! you cleaver lot!

However, I am not a kept woman as the last post suggests! I work as a midwife in the UK, and I am the bread winner (although I only work part time, to earn just enough money to survive, so I can be with my children). My kids are 5 and 3 years old, and I have to do everything in the house, and work, whilst hubby is a bit incapacitated, and does not work. He looks after the children when I am at work..He has never worked since I met him. And when we first met, he made me feel so bad for expecting him to make an effort, that I learnt to just accept him for who he was, no matter what my preduduces. (I know I cant spell).

I have had a VERY difficult time, over the 8 years we have been together. The main problem being how he spoke to me, for many years I believed him, and put on a lot of wieght, and lost the "real" me, however over the last 2 years I have been pulling myself up out of what ever hole of self pity I fell in!

His drug taking was hidden for 4 years, I did consider him having mental issues, but any suggestion would cause aggression. When I learnt about the drugs, i just put his behaviour down to them. HIs binges were when I was not at work, so I learnt to cope, And If I was to tell anyone, he would call me a blabber mouth and an unfaithful wife. but it crept in. And when he started to be off his head when in charge of the children, things got very difficult, and I had to involve others in our troubles, which caused his anger to become uncontrollable.

I had decided to leave, but, a few people suggested ASpergers for my 5 year old son, who I can handle, and just see as difficult, however, other people saw a bigger difference, I thought his behaviour was because of his parents troubles.

Whilst looking at this and awaiting formal assessment for my son, I saw my husband has all the symptoms, including hypersensitive smell, hearing, and he twitches, and has no sence of humour etc etc, has not one friend and jsut says what he thinks etc etc, hate being touched and want to be alone..... so I thought this must be a factor in our troubles....

He totally agreed that he may have AS ... but refuses to see anyone who could diagnose him.

So Donkey you were spot on. I have maybe got it wrong, and I am desparate!! and coming here I can see that people with AS are not quite like my husband, and although he seems to have all the symptoms...... Aspergers dianosis still does not fit.


m.

With the additional information provided it sounds like you already made your decision 2 years ago. I'd say go with your instincts and get the heck outta there. If by some miracle this guy does start addressing his issues then he may be even worse to be around.

Good Luck