Trying to break bad internal habits

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Being on auto pilot is how you described it. I just wonder if you really want to break out of these habits. It may be a way to shield yourself from the deeper aspects of human emotion. Does the word emotion get on your intellectual nerves? This is a love and dating topic, is it not?

If exploring feelings and recognizing emotions seems to be beneath you, then there may be truth to this but if not then I am just way off base.

I don't have the answers for you. Hope I didn't offend you in any way.

Trust me, a lot of what you and Zane have mentioned has been very helpful. Having the answers as such is way more than I think I could really ask of anyone, the fact that you've both stuck with this thread this long and offered as much insight is more than enough.

My problem with emotions has never been that they were below me, more that they're cripplingly intense and I need to get a grip on them for my emotional and mental health to be in my own hands at all. I don't know if you've met guys and girls who have an almost spiritual mystic about their presence, at the same time seem very neurologically strung as if something inside them is practically feral - they go from nonverbally throwing off so much energy that you feel like you'd be crushed by walking within 10 feet and the next minute they seem almost infinitely fragile? That's the neurological basis that I'm coming from. When I've met women who are like that there's an instant recognition, the only trouble is rather than making it easier to break the ice and talk to someone it actually makes it a lot harder from both sides. They themselves seem to have a lot of challenges in this regard, I remember a girl who was in one of my classes, strikingly beautiful (Ukranian, had looks somewhere between Milah Jovovich and Denise Richards) and it was really surprising not only seeing her having the same sort of wiring to a T but that she as also having the same exact kinds of problems with talking to guys that I had been with women (guys would talk to her, realize that her inherent nature was too far out in left field, and that was it - and I felt bad for her because she'd tried to talk to me, at albeit a bad time, and my nervous system had me so locked up that I could barely look at her).

I've been lucky to have close friends who've helped me a lot in terms of getting that side of myself under control and actually being able to be a lot more down to earth on a lot of levels. The downside of course is that when you do try to manually control something like that about yourself, even if you get real good at it, when it comes to relationship prospects people still tend to steer clear of you regardless of social skills, how much sense you make, and odds are its because you still just aren't like them enough. This is why I can't stop asking questions though, about life, about reality and spirituality, read and agreed with books like Dennis Prager's on Happiness. It takes a lot of effort just to stay even-keel, because there's no comfort zone in life I have to find ways to give happiness to myself and largely by expecting as little positive as I can from the outside world and reminding myself of how many people have absolutely terrible lives so I can count my blessings rather than have the discomforts and frustrations get a grip on me.

I am a female, so I don't fit the critera for answering this question *technically*, though after reading and rereading your post, I was struck by a number of similarities between you and I, the perfectionism, the way of nearly equivocal thinking, social and self-analysis...the hallucinogen use for paradigm-shifting or new "imprints" and continued until criticism started coming for my "peter pan syndrome" lol...for you techstep...for me certain types of house music (I can become very specific if asked, but people might want to actually follow this thread) -- I even relate to your attitude of cynical optimism...as a chosen attitude. One that is fitting and effective.

Even now I still feel like I see and touch people through a bubble, or like a ghost moving objects but never touching directly. But I still manage to communicate, and that is the important thing.

I tended, for a while, to only go so deep into a relationship and then cut it off completely. I did this nine, ten, eleven times, old boyfriends would be asking my friends if I was in the hospital. Wheras your issue may be one of indifference, mine was that I could only be intimate to a point before feeling like someone's property, before the person I was dating would touch me unexpectedly, and eventually, there would be a relationship situation or awkwardness that I simply couldn't handle and I would disappear. And then I would rationalize it - this is what I did, and I say that because it's what I know, understand I am not saying I think your perfectionism is a rationalization - but I would rationalize it by picking the person I dated apart.

I realize now that it was a boundary issue that made me feel this way. I do have control issues and a lot of sensory defensiveness and how I have overcome it is...I was just lucky enough and determined enough to find someone who respects these things about me and lets me define my everchanging personal space bubble and always lets me be in control of that.

I am far from having it all figured out, but what does help me is the realization that I will be okay. Because I have myself. This has allowed me to come from a more balanced place when I approach people.

I also have noticed that with my personality type and my issues, going back to childhood even, the people I tend to get along best with (relationship or otherwise) are people who are curious about me and let me lead...until I'm exhausted and done leading. In other words, they have to be very creative and flexible. Somehow I find them or they find me, but it's rare.

And also effective is telling myself that even though having to be socially perfect, having to try and find a way to relate to everyone may have served me well 10 years ago, but isn't neccesary any more.

If you have the choice between two ways of thinking...one that causes you mental anguish, and one that causes you comfort, and can't decide between the two logically, remember that if you choose the anguish route because it feels more real, you are punishing yourself.

And I do believe I'm rambling now, forgive me if it sounds really out there, but I am now in a hurry to end this and can't tie it all together....

techstepgerer8tion wrote:

I know exactly what you mean. This is the connection that is the foundation of meaningful relationships. Is this where the palsy traits kick in?
Although I don't have a problem with bonding, I do think that the aspie guy I am interested in could relate to you on this.

My "friend" has demonstrated some physiological responses that have been confusing to say the least. From my point of view, he seemed to be having seizures and was not in control. He was obviously frustrated and it was heartbreaking to watch him because I didn't understand it.
I expect him to be consistent and he never is. He can't even articulate his feelings yet he is very intelligent so it frustrates me because I expect more. It's like there is someone inside of him and he can't break out of this bubble. The natural thing to do is to try to break it, but that is the worst mistake I made. The best thing I learned in how to relate to him is to not talk and just touch and look into each others eyes. That was more comfortable and honest. Silence carries more weight than psychoanalyzing things to death sometimes. It's a way to open up emotionally and not have to back up the feelings with saying something logical to make it all realistic in the mind of someone who doesn't process bonding very well.

I think I am similar to the type of person that Patternist described as the type of partner that compliments her type of personality.
I also think that to have a relationship, you will do best to find someone who can let you lead and take a more traditional role of the passive wife.
Patternist will do best too to find a submissive man, in my opinion. These roles we play are just products of our ego. The best love is egoless.

Next time you meet someone who you feel strongly about, be like a soldier and bite the bullet. Say something, anything. If you feel that strongly, and I'm talking about love at first site, she will feel the same way. If you settle for someone who doesn't bring out these traits, it may be a waste of time to pursue anything romantically because you'll soon realize you are just not into her and then what if she really falls for you, that's a trap.

Find someone who makes you feel so weak and vulnerable that you shed your armor and become inspired to be your best self. It's not self punishment to take the harder route, it's living life to the fullest. I suggest that when you find someone try out the telepathy thing that Zane and I mentioned earlier. Body language tells all so she won't be so confused about your unintended reactions.

As far as books go, I love to read everything and don't want to peddle self help books, but look into NLP.
Neuro linguistic programming is a way to brainwash yourself. I need to do that again so I can get more focused...anyways...it feels sort of corny at first but I think it is the best way to transform bad habits into good ones.

All excellent advice and I may come back for a while just to read these and try to remember the points; just to keep myself from letting my surroundings inundate my natural compass and sense of direction.

I am curious on this though, why someone passive?

Most people would want to break the bubble it takes an enormous amount of self control to not be intrusive into your safety zone.
I'm not saying that the person has to be passive in character, but it may help to have someone who is willing to take on a passive role in the relationship.
Otherwise, it frustrates both individuals.

Passive doesn't mean a push over. She still should challenge you enough to where you don't break down though. Unless, you really want to change and are willing to go through a dismantling. I don't know...this is getting to be circular...

I understand, the way I think I'd put it is someone who's respectful of autonomy. The good thing is I do meet more and more women (actually guys and girls a like in broader terms) who've gotten better at that with age and maturity.

I just asked because I had a feeling that you didn't mean it in the broad sense; I think all of us involved in this conversation would be bored by someone who needed to be led by the hand. We need intellect as well as people with their own distinct and well-shaped (as well as emotionally rich) personalites who we can grow through from what they have to offer in terms of different perspectives and who can grow through us by what unique knowledge and bits of wisdom that we have to bring to the table.