EvoVari wrote:
Hi JennnaJ.....I'm 47 and dx AS early 2008. I love to shop for fashion/designer clothes, men's fragrances and have coffee breaks with my wife. No doubt some shop assistants raise their eyebrows at my feminine qualities whilst shopping. I chatter with gay men and other feminine guys without a thought of what others think. Absolutely 100% hetro, adhore the female shape and the sex is awesome once you realise its not all about the guys needs. lol Did have a alpha male thing going on before dx and would react aggressively to any perceived threat from another male. Having feminine qualities does not stop my underlying testosterone based impulses from surfacing.
Just be aware about some AS males find it difficult to reciprocate closeness and deep feelings. We have them, the AS stops us automatically producing them when appropriate. Most AS guys are 'screwed' when it comes to attracting a women, not their fault, the AS prevents them communicating effectively and producing emotional closeness.
AS men are at one end of the emotional spectrum and non AS(NT) women are at the other end, there lies the problem. I have found Therapy by an Psychologist specialising in AS has helped me produce emotions/feelings of closeness to my family which previously did not exist.
You are over annalysing the relationship, understanably with your friends different behaviour and thinking.
All the best.
I appreciate your post. Yes, i probably am over analyzing it here. I do not do that once away from the PC to this extent...my brain tends to take in things that seem 'odd", file them away, then at a later time like on this thread i retrieve them for discussion.
What you said made me feel much better. Hearing AS men talk to me about how they have these same qualities but are 100% hetero does give me some sense of relief. Most of us realize that the things that cause us most grief and fear usually are only because they are "unknowns". I am attempting to figure out these unknowns so that the fear abates.
I like to think I am a liberal thinking person and that is probably the biggest reason why i wrote these posts, because i didn't like my mindset and it felt maybe a bit rigid when i am normally much more free thinking. I thought that i was perhaps projecting some fears onto his shoulders that were not fair, and I think that is accurate.
He also seems to adore the female form, and it would seem awfully precarious for him to do so whilst also being gay so i am pretty sure i must be pretty off in my thought process on this.
he doesn't seem to have a problem reciprocating deep feelings and closeness tho. But i will say that he does have a problem with "deep" conversations. Not that he wants to avoid them, i think he would like to have them, but i can tell he isn't really able to dig into some of the more deep conversations that i have tried to initiate. he does 'try' and even says things like "i want us to communicate, please tell me what is on your mind' but i find that when i do, he isn't able to always grasp what i am trying to convey if i dont spell it out very bluntly and even then, his feedback on it isn't always real in depth. But i think he does try very hard to be that way. Probably beacuse he is such a pleaser and wants to make ME happy and if he knows i want to talk about an issue, he wants to be the good guy and listen and respond appropriately. But i think he gives so much thought into what he is going to say that he misses what I am saying often in the process. I admit that does get frustrating. I have to tell him sometimes very gently " you totally talked over me and didn't hear what i said". I dont think he does this on purpose. I have tried to help him by telling him when he gets really keyed up and hyper "slow down...don't be so quick to talk...slow down, listen a little" and i always give him a kiss or a hug so he knows i am not criticizing him because he gets very easily hurt if he thinks he is criticized.
14 Jan 2009, 1:40 pm
