DataSage wrote:
STEP 1 – Leave Your Comfort Zone
Yes, yes, we all know, none of us like change. And if we are to deal with change, we need to know ahead of time. Well guess what? Now’s your chance, because the only change is going to come from within—so you’re the one who’s going to dictate how and when these changes happen. But you have to have discipline, and you can’t back out at the last moment.
When I say “Leave Your Comfort Zone,” I’m talking about putting yourself in situations you normally wouldn’t. In this context, it’s meeting and/or talking to girls. Do you see a girl that’s attractive sitting in a restaurant? Or maybe you see a cute girl at the mall? You have to do what we all dread. You have to talk to her. But the real question is… how do you do that?
Well, maybe that’s the wrong question to be asking. The question we should be asking is how to do we prepare ourselves and put ourselves into a state where we CAN just go up and talk to them? It’s not as complicated as you would think. For those who’ve never just walked up to a girl and struck up a conversation, this will be extremely hard to do at first. Yet you only have to do a couple of things to make it actually work.
STEP 2 – Don’t hesitate.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen friends of mine do this. The longer you sit there wondering if you should/shouldn’t talk her, and the longer you analyze the situation, and the longer you sit there considering the consequences, the harder it’s going to be for you to do it in the first place. If you see a girl you like, who you think you’d like to talk to: JUST DO IT. Start walking towards her, and do it in a casual fashion. And for the love of God, make sure you’re smiling; you’d be surprised how far this goes with a woman. It’s the simplest part of meeting a girl, but it can easily become the most problematic if you don’t address it.
But not hesitating doesn’t end after you strike up small talk. Hesitation is something women can pick up on very quickly in conversation, and it’s not an attractive quality. If you’re not on top of the conversation, if you’re not engaged, she will lose interest in you. One of the most important things I tell guys to do is ask questions—ask lots of them, because women love it when guys ask for their opinion/thoughts/views on any subject. To parallel this, I also tell guys to make sure that if they’re asked a question, they respond in a quick, non-hesitant manner. Like I’ve said before: say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you try to sugarcoat something, or “beat around the bush,” as they say, the woman will pick up on it. Doing as I explained gives the girl a frame of reference, so she knows what you’re about, and knows you are who you are, and most importantly, is damn proud of it.
STEP 3 – Don’t care whether she likes you or not.
This is an aggravating concept to come to terms with, but it’s a great philosophy because it makes the idea of being rejected go completely extinct. If you see a girl that you like, especially one you haven’t talked to yet, don’t start running scenarios through your head about what your action with her will lead to. Approach it casually. What you’re looking for is a conversation and a connection, hopefully one with common ground—NOT a girlfriend. It’s an odd dynamic, but you have to really “not care” about whether or not this girl connects with you. I mean seriously: who cares? Not every girl you see should be qualified as a possible date; that qualification should come AFTER you’ve talked to them, and it should come from you, not her. This is why we have standards guys—if we didn’t, then what would the point of talking to women be? Not every girl you talk to should qualify as someone you’d want to date in your mind, and this takes a little bit of realism on your part, as well as self honesty.
But seriously, taking an all or nothing approach towards women doesn’t work, and will only bring you anxiety. The paradoxes of the male nature amaze me when I look at them objectively. Most males will engage in activities that women wouldn’t, yet the very idea of being rejected by a girl they find attractive is out of the question. I remember one particular dating guru I listened to, he had a friend, and he asked him what the craziest thing he had ever done. His friend said that he did an extreme downhill mountain biking trek without any gear on, or a helmet. Yet, this was the same guy who was having an awful hard time meeting women because he simply was terrified of just the possibility that a girl wouldn’t like him.
Unbelievable. Just let that sink in, guys.
STEP 4 – Don’t put the girl on a pedestal.
This is a big problem, especially for guys with AS, because we tend to weigh our social success as a whole on those few tense social moments. Get yourself in a mindset. As men, we are a minority—that’s right, statistically, there are more women on the Earth than men, and do you realize what that means? They’re competing over us! So if the girl doesn’t dig you, it’s their loss, not yours. You know you have something great to offer, and you want to offer it to the right type of girls. If a girl isn’t feeling you for whatever reason, then they’re not worthy of the things you may want to share with them (that’s if you’re attracted to them, of course). Think of it in an elementary school analogy: you’re at lunch and you ask a kid to trade a snack. He says no, right off the bat. So why would you want to trade with him if he doesn’t want to trade with you? Exactly the same applies to women.
STEP 5 – Control and direct the conversation.
If you do manage to finally strike up a conversation, you have to be the one to really drive things; ask her questions, girls love to talk about themselves. If you get them going enough, they’ll start to ask you questions, and the conversation will gain momentum. If you can get to this point, you’re in very good shape, but you have to be assertive—don’t back down, and make sure you’re keeping the other things I’ve been talking about in mind. If you do that, you will become very relaxed and you will be able to truly be yourself, and the girl WILL notice it. Women have an incredible sense when it comes to sniffing out social facades, and if she doesn’t detect one around you, you’ve already made an impact.
STEP 6 – Make her laugh.
If it’s one thing that makes girls comfortable, it’s when they feel they can laugh around someone. And despite what many girls tell you, they LOVE to be teased, and they love it when guys break their balls (figuratively, heh). If you’re in a conversation and a girl is rambling on, cut it and put the ball in her court. Say something like “Excuse me, for one moment, I just want to know, do you always hit on guys at this store?” Or even better, I’ll give you a more personal example of mine. I was recently at the bowling alley, and this girl was playing in the lane next to me. I started talking to her and she told me she played softball (at my college, no less). After she told me that little piece of information, I turned it around on her. I said: “Well, I hope you play softball better than you bowl.” I had her laughing like crazy, and five minutes later, I had her number. If she says something or tells an over the top story, call her a brat, and make it CLEAR it’s a joke in your body language. (this will take tremendous self-coaching as I said before, given our disadvantages) If you do this enough, you’ve already proved your unique nature to her, and she will make it clear she’s interested in you.
STEP 7 – Always be the one to end the conversation.
THIS IS HUGE. Believe me, it works. The ability to just get up and end a conversation, or just walk away from a situation, conveys so much to a woman. It explains to them subconsciously that you’re a confident person and most of all, that you’re not needy (we aspies have a hard time acting needy). This becomes an essential part of getting to the next step with that girl, because it really puts everything in perspective for them. To them, they see it this way: a guy came up, we talked, he made me laugh, we had a fun conversation, and then he left. To a woman, this is rare; they’re used to being hounded by men, and never left alone. The fact you did this puts you in a different bracket from other guys, just based on some simple behavior, and trust me, if you get this down enough, YOU WILL reap the benefits.
IV. The Language of Pick-up
Ideally, I’d shoot for something like this…
Me: Hey guys, my name’s Jonathan.
Few comments: (Cruel facts)
STEP 1&2:
Only works, if you know exactly what you are doing. Don't try to be too original and remember that desperation shines far. Politeness and strategy are huge help.
Example: When I still lived in Japan, I once had a tiny local male with glasses starting to follow me on my way back to my place, trying desperately to converse to me in English. E.g. He pointed out couple of buildings next to me "This is the police station, this is the fire station". My grumpy answer was in fluent Japanese: "I know, I live here". Then he would suddenly jump in front of me, close his eyes, throw his arms on his sides and shout: "KISS ME!!"
Not impressive at all...
STEP 3:
It makes a huge difference whether she likes you or not. If your company is clearly not appreciated, show her enough courtesy to let her be and accept your defeat on this round. It is not appreciated, if you annoy her just for fun. You think: What do I have to lose? She thinks: Why does he have to come and ruin my day?
STEP 4:
Always put the girl on the pedestal.
Unless you are a truly spectacular, amazing Adonis, she is not going to do that for you without eventually following your example. Girls love and are impressed to be appreciated and respected. You approached her with interest, she knows she can do better, if you don't treat her with commitment. In an ideal relationship both participants cherish each other, but that requires time and patience. Do not be that arrogant that you approach a girl and start demanding worshipping. Statistically, there are more men than women around, by the way.
STEP 5:
Only with moderation. Too much dominance or "pushing" is certainly not appreciated, neither is an attempt from you to see all of her cards without showing her yours. Push her buttons too much and you have her flaming in quiet frustration.
STEP 6:
Make sure your jokes actually ARE funny, and take notice that the laughter is not just plain politeness and that the phone number is genuine. Teasing only works with small portion of girls (and only with VERY moderate use) and you still run a very high risk of getting slapped. Even, if she does smile, it doesn't mean she's impressed. It is a very likely scenario that she's being polite to a stranger and thinking by herself "What a jerk...".
STEP 7:
Don't try, it's not appreciated. Women believe good listening skills are one of the greatest assets a man can have and they need to feel respected and appreciated. Be too blunt and insensitive and they'll walk away fast. Again, they know they can do much better.
Language of pick-up:
Honestly, I'd walk away as soon as I heard somebody approaching me and my friend by calling us "guys". All wrong, sorry.
Is this a joke? Seriously, is this a joke? If you are dead serious about your, ahem, "cruel facts" 3, 4, and 7, then...I don't know what to say, other than you have no idea what you are talking about. Steps 3, 4, and 7 are the most critical of all to understand. I've done these things; they work, and they work very well. The only people that say these things don't work are people that have issues with dating. Anyone who has lived and ventured outside their comfort zone knows this list is very true. Even though it's not etched in stone (every woman is different) the basic idea is dead on. I don't know how you can say that putting the woman up on a pedestal works, because I'll bet anything that nearly all the guys that put you on a pedestal have failed. That Japanese guy you mentioned is a perfect example. Now when he says "Don't care if she likes you or not" it's another way of saying "Don't get emotionally invested in someone you just freaking met" which would be more accurate. Maybe you misinterpreted that part, and I suppose I don't blame you, since the language is suspect. Then again, if you bothered to read it, maybe you wouldn't react that way. As for Step 7, if you've ever had a guy hang on to you because he doesn't know when the conversation ends, you might be singing a different tune. He isn't saying don't listen to her, he is saying when the conversation is over, the conversation is over, and as long as this is the Alpha Male guide, of course he has to be the one to end it. This isn't the Beta Male Guide. Sure, once you get to a relationship, listening is very important, but this is the process that comes beforehand.
As for this whole "We know we can do better" rhetoric, EVERYONE can do better than the person they are currently with. But you don't see people quitting their jobs that pay $80,000 a year to chase the job that pays $100,000 a year. Only stupid people do that.
28 Mar 2011, 7:16 am
He runs a very big risk to become a male best friend rather than a lover. 
~thinks~
