Rexi wrote:
When looking at Ukrainians leaving their homes, an image pops into my head. They multiply like rats. They have so many children, it's rare to see a woman without a kid. It really shocks me how the world is and how people work. Are we as humans really as shallow and blind, I never came to an answer to that question. The bigger image is frightening. I'm frightened of the truth and ashamed of these facts. I feel just like an alien, when looking at a different species. Humans disgust me, but the thought that most of them are accidentally alive soothes me. But it's probably a lie. Rats are accidental, guided by instinct and lack of knowledge. Humans not so much.
Do other people feel alone in a world of such things?
And sometimes I can't believe how good and easy life must be for a person to have no issue with having kids. Is it stupidity, don't people think or care about divorce or anything in life? And they even think babies are cute and children are good but the science says kids display sociopathic traits and are devoid of capacity of understanding of the world and logic. To view your kid like an animal seems odd especially when you'd like some normal conversation and being silly gets old and want some time alone with your head. Certainly not all people make good parents but they are.
Some people would call it immature but they're kidding if they can enjoy those things. It's rare to see moms happy and not stressed and reactive. They always envy people who have no children and say their life is easy. Isn't the world truly a mystery box.
Women who give up custody or don't fight for it are also judged harshly. But these are women who focus on growing their lives and developing their hobbies and skills, and ones who can accept they're not best fit to take care of those children. Some women seem to be trying to obtain the child custody just because of social shame and to avoid being judged even if they know what's best for the child is something they can't offer and even if they don't actually want it. These things are really not easily understood by many, even if they're other women. Expressing these things in public can even be dangerous, just to show that freedom of speech is not really dependant of laws but of education of the people. People don't tolerate difference. Maybe because it scares and apalls them just as much. But well, I feel the best and happiest when I can talk about such things.
That was all...umm...kinda random! lol But then I forget you're in Romania, so the whole world is focused on your backyard right now.
Humans survive by virtue of the reasoning mind, all other animals are guided by instinct. We can choose to live. They cannot.
I'm not a mom...but being close to my wife and the mother of my children and from keeping my children close, I can say that having children will only be as stressful as you allow it to be. We integrated our children into our lifestyle, keeping them at our level rather than lowering ourselves to theirs. And so it's just understood we are going to this place to do that activity and they WILL be a part of it all in some capacity. What causes us stress are things like making sure they are ready for school or church on time, or when grades slip lower than we expect, or the rare occasion one of them decides to break his face on the school playground. These things happen. But they no more happen than things happen to us individually apart from our children. The only thing that changes is that with our children being part of us, there's MORE OF US at risk at any give time. As long as we can be responsible for ourselves, being responsible for children, even babies, is just a natural consequence of what really amounts to something that, to be honest, is purely selfish.
As an example--with our almost 2yo, we went the cloth diaper route and are mostly happy with it. We're a big family, so we have a lot of clothes to wash everyday as it is. So washing diapers is really not that big a deal or any extra trouble since we're doing X number of loads of laundry regardless. What's a few more? Dishes--our kids are old enough to do dish duty, so my wife and our friend aren't stuck stressing about being overwhelmed with dishes. My wife is in charge of all the evening meals, our kids are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch, BUT we are only at home 6 nights out of the week, and in her meal planning if she chooses to have something grilled, then I'm in charge of that (I know, typical MAN)--but when I cook over charcoal, there's very little cleanup, meaning whoever is on dish duty gets a break. It works out great for EVERYONE. It's almost like we don't even have many kids because they take care of themselves. More like we have 3 really cool, fun-loving roommates, plus a baby, and total 3 adults all over 40. I mean...you could just say my wife and I have a baby and leave it at that.
So the stress is getting to school and work on time, which isn't that bad, and then focusing on MY work as a teacher. I and our friend both have jobs, but I'm the only one that really contributes to the household financially. And that means when things aren't going well at work, it affects 5 or 6 other people depending on how you look at it. As it happens, I already know I'm not returning to my job after my contract is up. So at present I'm stressed about finding a new job and very likely moving away. And that means finding a new home and selling our present house. I'm also campaigning hard for a specific person to replace me along with the usual tying up loose ends.
But, I mean...when are these kinds of things you DON'T stress about? Even if I didn't have the lives of 6 other people riding on my decisions, I'd still be stuck with decisions about my career and livelihood. The disadvantage of growing a family is having so many people dependent on you. But the advantage is that you have a support system you wouldn't have otherwise, one you stay close with every day. Babies don't understand that dad got bad news today, or that dealing with angry, unreasonable parents is making you miserable at work, which carries over when you get home at the end of the day. Babies don't understand that. They just want hugs and maybe play with a ball or a stuffed toy. Or they need a nap. You don't realize how therapeutic it can be just loving on a baby until you have one of your own and you can do that any time. They don't have expectations. They don't have any demands. And if hugs and spending time with dad earns them some Cheerios, even better!! ! And mom loves it because daddy time means she gets time to herself.
I'm not going to make any grand point that you should have babies OR ELSE. It's not for everyone. All I'm saying is that it doesn't have to be as stressful or expensive as everyone seems to make it out to be.
As far as women being judged goes: I try to encourage people, especially my students, to not worry about what other people think or how anyone will judge them. Giving up custody of a child? Ok, think about what I said prior to this paragraph. Kids are AWESOME. But did I and my wife both have a lot more freedom before kids? Sure. When you have kids and you go out to eat, they don't seat you in the same area they used to. It's so that smaller adult groups can have a quiet space. But then when your kids are perfectly well-behaved and quiet and you STILL have to sit in the section where parents let their children run wild and interrupt your meal, it kinda ruins the experience. Most places won't allow you to bring kids to work. There are sometimes exceptions, of course, but mostly, no, they aren't allowed in your workplace. Actually--I broke some of those barriers at church because I would bring a baby to choir practice. I timed it just right that the baby would sleep through it. When they got older, I'd have them sit on the piano bench with me. They would do this upwards of an hour, too. No problems. But is this always the case? No. So not having to worry about who watches over the baby while you work is kinda nice. You get to keep more of your own money when children aren't in the picture. You don't have to keep your head on a swivel when you have no children. And if by giving up custody of a child results in better outcomes for that child, even better! There once was a time when it was commonplace to give up custody of a child if they could go live with a rich uncle or something. Nobody ever got shamed for that that I'm aware of. And families of means generously cared for family members who did not do as well. I don't really think about what I'd do if I didn't have children. Maybe I'd go to the bar a couple nights a week or something. IDK. Enjoy more live music. But at my age, what would I really do differently as a single guy? Not really much. The last thing I'm going to think about is what people think about me relative to my status as a parent or non-parent. There are good things about being a parent, there are good things about being a non-parent. Whether you should be or not be a parent is nobody else's business.
25 Mar 2022, 12:59 pm
