Nice Guys and Love, what's your take on the issue

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I have a friend of 32 years standing, and he just seems be have that "something" about him. He's no George Cloony, more of a Carl Malden, but he dresses VERY well.
We would walk into a pub or restuarant stand at the bar and within 1 min. he would have women surrounding him.
He married 15 years ago and when we go out together as 2 couples it still happens to him. He finds it embarassing and his long suffering wife finds it annoying.
I've spent 2/3s of my life trying to figureit out but to no avail.

>Recent CNN article on the trend of recognizing the Nice Guy issue, and working to get away from it.
Sort of a silly article, due to it's over-simplistic take on it, and lack of details. Nonetheless it accurately acknowledges some of the issues.

I'm particularly jazzed that they brought up Men's Studies.

let me just correct you there on many points. i'm shy because of my condition: I'm basically overly aware of my behavioural patterns and so i keep my head down in public becasue i'm worried i'll do anything embarrassing.

1. if a women is interested in me, i probably WILL NOTICE but because i don't feel i have the CAPACITY to approach her, it'll be over before its even begun (leaving me kicking myself in frustration afterwards).

2. shyness is most definitely NOT a form of narcissism. shyness is in fact cute way of saying SOCIALLY ANXIOUS and let me tell you its horrible feeling scared in public all the time.

I completely agree. Bad judgment = bad consequence. I just love the irony too.

Romantic excitement is based in large part on uncertainty, which in turn is based in large part on unpredictability; with a new lover you don't yet know what to expect, you can't predict what they'll do, and that's part of the rush for most people. Non-coincidentally, bad boys/girls are unpredictable (there are so many ways to be bad, after all), and thus romantically exciting. Nice guys/gals, sadly, are usually very predictable; there are only so many ways to behave in each situation that count as nice. Thus, nice people are perceived as less romantically exciting.

The solution? Choose to ignore romantic excitement and instead make logical judgments about who to hook up with.

Truthfully, I have to overcome some major sensory issues if I am going to become anything other than a 'nice guy' because my hyper sensitivity only allows me to be gentle, smiling, inquisitive and supportive and nothing else. Anything more aggressive, would send my into overdrive. I would have to become a new person to change who I am.

I would just like to say that I married a nice guy and he treats me like a princess. I'm his first gf and pretty much his first everything. so he knows nothing than other treating me the way a woman should be treated. I was diagnosed with autism in 6th grade. It's a mild case, but it's still with me. And I've gotten a car, I have my driver's license, and I got married and I'm an army wife. I would like to say, that if i can do it, you can do it. I feel like i'm an inspiration for people with autism, aspergers, or a learning disability.

nice
   /naɪs/ Show Spelled[nahys] Show IPA
–adjective,nic·er, nic·est.
1.
pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.
2.
amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.
3.
characterized by, showing, or requiring great accuracy, precision, skill, tact, care, or delicacy: nice workmanship; a nice shot; a nice handling of a crisis.
4.
showing or indicating very small differences; minutely accurate, as instruments: a job that requires nice measurements.
5.
minute, fine, or subtle: a nice distinction.
6.
having or showing delicate, accurate perception: a nice sense of color.
7.
refined in manners, language, etc.: Nice people wouldn't do such things.
8.
virtuous; respectable; decorous: a nice girl.
9.
suitable or proper: That was not a nice remark.
10.
carefully neat in dress, habits, etc.
11.
(esp. of food) dainty or delicate.
12.
having fastidious, finicky, or fussy tastes: They're much too nice in their dining habits to enjoy an outdoor barbecue.
13.
Obsolete. coy, shy, or reluctant.
14.
Obsolete. unimportant; trivial.
15.
Obsolete. wanton.


So...which definition of nice do you prefer?...I like them all!..Well the so called obsolete definitions could become hard work..but I'll take nice over conceited and arrogant any day!

The dictionary definition of nice does not apply. The term "Nice Guy," and it's popular connotation within the context of love & dating, is what's being discussed.

Oh, come on. It's very simple. Women are socialized to believe that if men are interested, they will pursue us. Women don't like rejection any more than men do, and so, being socialized in this way, for the most part most women rarely pursue men.
"Nice guys", whatever else they may be, aren't noted for their initiative, and so remove themselves from the pool of men most women choose from.

The other problem is that many self-proclaimed "nice guys" either possess attributes that mainstream society sees as serious flaws (in their appearance, for instance, or their achievements) for which their niceness doesn't compensate, or aren't genuinely nice so much as needy, insecure, or phony. Women... even aspie women like me... can usually spot insecure men and phonies*, and men who have "flaws" might need to lower their standards.

Finally, when the nice guys in question are aspies and the women are NT, all the above is no longer even relevant - it's just the typical NT distaste and fear for those who seem "weird".

Now please stop calling women stupid and speculating about how we've evolved to prefer jerks, it's kind of offensive.

*odd as it may seem, an obvious jerk can be more attractive than a fake nice guy who is a jerk underneath.

People don't seem to realize that women are quite capable of being jerks themselves.

Even so, it's a bit hypocritical for most women to judge men on their 'insecurities' when they will have plenty of their own.

Yes. But this is their problem, not yours. Somewhere out there a single woman is sitting around a table with her paired-up friends and complaining that there are no good men out there anywhere. And her friends are telling her that maybe she needs to stop holding men to a long list of standards that she couldn't meet herself and then she will find someone. Her hypocrisy is preventing her from getting into a relationship. But it isn't preventing you. You wouldn't even want to be with her if you had the chance. It would be horrible to be with somebody like that.

She will either lighten up and loosen up and accept that everyone has flaws and find a man whose flaws are about on par with her own, or she will stay single. But in any case, you wouldn't want to be with her when she is in that state.

The thing is, attraction is not a fair competition. There really is no concept of "fair" when it comes to attraction. And the concept of "hypocracy" is meaningful only insofar as having an unrealistic set of standards that a potential partner must meet condemns a person to be single. Therange is(was) constantly pointing this out to men here as it pertains to looks. He said it's hypocritical for an overweight, out of shape man to insist that he be with a "hot" woman. And it is. But the only person hurt by this hypocracy is the man. He's the one who stays single. The plain women that he passes over may later wind up in a relationship with someone else, just not with him. The person hurt by hypocracy when it comes to dating is the hypocrite.

The nice guy syndrome I am familiar with is due to the vast differences between 'getting the girl's attention' and 'keeping it'.

My best friend is a classic case of a 'self proclaimed martyr of love' nice guy. He meets women (many of them extremely attractive) and then he begins texting them. The first stage always goes well for him (a date, hookup) and then suddenly a week later he is complaining about them texting him so much (as a friend to complain), and how he got friend zoned (often for another guy).

Once they are both "yolked" in some way, he puts them on a pedestal and I guess just scares them off.

If any of you are interested, I found a rant online awhile back by a woman, explaining why she hates nice guys. ( Link)

I prefer nice guys over bad boys. I know that a nice guy would be more in tune, with my wishes and needs, and he'd be a lot less likely to want a piece of tail, every time we saw each other.

I'm not so sure I follow. I see absolutely no correlation between being nice and abstain from sex. No offense, but I think you might be confusing a couple of terms here.