My problem with relationships and age

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goldfish21
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21 Apr 2022, 11:13 am

dorkseid wrote:

goldfish21 wrote:

Others have daddy issues.. your age difference might be a big turn on.

That sounds like a mental health issue. It wouldn't be right to take advantage of someone like that.

If someone’s attracted to you for your age and likes to call you Daddy you’re going to discount that attraction as being a “mental health issue,” and use it as an excuse not to explore the possibility of dating them ?

Same as if they say they’re a sapiosexual and your Master’s Degree gets their juices flowing ?

Or if they say they’re into chubby guys and appreciate your body for its size and shape ?

Sounds to me like you’re using every possible preconceived excuse to ensure that you never have a dating opportunity vs actually desiring one and being open to it in whatever form it presents itself. You won’t be prepared to date anyone until you deal with the depressive world view filter you see everything in first. IMO.

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Mona Pereth
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21 Apr 2022, 11:32 am

dorkseid wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

i am suggesting as gently as possible, that compromise is unavoidable for the bulk of us here.

And even then, unless she at the absolute very bottom of the barrel, what reason does the other person have to compromise enough to accept me?

You're assuming here that accepting you would be an especially huge "compromise" for every woman except "the absolute very bottom of the barrel." Your underlying assumption here seems to me that all women have exactly the same standards, differing only in how much choice they themselves have, depending solely on where they themselves happen to fall on some single absolute, linear, totally-ordered scale of value.

The latter is simply not true!

dorkseid wrote:

So you think I should just settle for some ugly woman with whom I have nothing in common, share no chemistry with whatsoever, whom I find nothing in her physical appearance or personality appealing, and who gaslights and treats me like dirt?

Making some compromises is not necessarily the same thing as having no standards at all!

dorkseid wrote:

Other men don't have to compromise.

Most men probably do have to compromise at least a little bit, it seems to me. No partner is perfect. Why on Earth do you believe that most men don't have to compromise???

Your remarks quoted above are an example of what is commonly known as "black-and-white thinking." Perhaps a better name for it is dualistic thinking? Be that as it may, it's a mental habit that I think it would benefit you to question.

Anyhow, regarding some matters that should be much more urgent to you right now, please see this and subsequent posts of mine in another thread.

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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 21 Apr 2022, 1:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
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21 Apr 2022, 12:58 pm

goldfish21 wrote:

. . . Sounds to me like you're using every possible preconceived excuse to ensure that you never have a dating opportunity vs actually desiring one and being open to it in whatever form it presents itself.

Oh, you noticed that too, eh? I thought I was the only one.

goldfish21 wrote:

You won't be prepared to date anyone until you deal with the depressive world view filter you see everything in first. IMO.

There have been other members with depressive disorders who could not get dates despite their stated physical attractiveness. One went so far as to obtain TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation), but to little or no effect. Now scientists are pushing to fund research on using hallucinogens to change a depressed person's "inner world" to one more amenable to social interaction. Sadly, hallucinogens are still classed as "Schedule 1 Drugs" and scientists face extreme difficulty to even obtain permission to do this research on animals.

goldfish21
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21 Apr 2022, 3:33 pm

American news media has been telling people to “Do your own research,” for the last handful of years.. maybe start listening to them in some select cases. :mrgreen:

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ironpony
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21 Apr 2022, 4:18 pm

goldfish21 wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

dorkseid wrote:

But from the perspective of the younger person, why choose to be with an older autistic person when you can be with someone your own age?

Because some of us care about other things besides age.

I had quite a few older partners when I was younger. In retrospect, it seems likely that most of them were on the autism spectrum. They varied in appearance. Only one could be considered wealthy. Most were definitely not wealthy.

Some of us care more about things like personality, shared interests, and overall compatibility than about a person's superficial demographic features such as age.

And some people are sapiosexuals - your Master's Degree might be a big turn on.

Others have daddy issues.. your age difference might be a big turn on.

Some like physically fit, others physically fat etc etc. Different strokes for different folks. Probably best to just chat up several different girls and go on a few first dates and see what happens. Rinse and repeat until you meet someone you click with.

Well when I advised the OP to pursue younger women, what daddy issues could they have then?

dorkseid
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22 Apr 2022, 10:30 am

goldfish21 wrote:

dorkseid wrote:

goldfish21 wrote:

Others have daddy issues.. your age difference might be a big turn on.

That sounds like a mental health issue. It wouldn't be right to take advantage of someone like that.

Same as if they say they’re a sapiosexual and your Master’s Degree gets their juices flowing ?

Or if they say they’re into chubby guys and appreciate your body for its size and shape ?

I never said I had any problem withsapiosexuals or chubby lovers. Though I've never met one that was into me.

But nobody that isn't my offspring should ever call my Daddy, especially under those circumstances.

dorkseid
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22 Apr 2022, 10:40 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

dorkseid wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

i am suggesting as gently as possible, that compromise is unavoidable for the bulk of us here.

And even then, unless she at the absolute very bottom of the barrel, what reason does the other person have to compromise enough to accept me?

dorkseid wrote:

Making some compromises is not necessarily the same thing as having no standards at all!

dorkseid wrote:

Other men don't have to compromise.

I don't think that all women want the exact same kind of man. But somehow the one thing all women universally have in common is that none of them have ever found me attractive. Even the only girlfriend I had said she was only woth me because she didn't believe she could do better. And no other woman had ever wanted to date me in my entire life.

You say that compromising isn't the same as having no standards at all. But everyone keeps saying that I should just date absolutely any woman I can, like blabby was hinting.

I'm not looking for someone that's perfect, just somebody I like. But nobody I've ever liked has liked me. And the only girlfriend I could ever get did not appeal to me in any way. She's ugly, her personality is unlikable, and she treated me horribly.

Fnord
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22 Apr 2022, 10:45 am

dorkseid wrote:

. . . somehow the one thing all women universally have in common is that none of them have ever found me attractive. . .

Do you think that is due to your actions, your appearance, your attitude, or some combination thereof?

Mona Pereth
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22 Apr 2022, 11:28 am

dorkseid wrote:

I don't think that all women want the exact same kind of man. But somehow the one thing all women universally have in common is that none of them have ever found me attractive.

That's all women in your experience, which, if I remember correctly, is limited to only a few relatively backwards locales.

If you can manage to finish your degree, hopefully you will eventually be able to move to a better place, though your first job will likely have to be out in the boonies.

dorkseid wrote:

You say that compromising isn't the same as having no standards at all. But everyone keeps saying that I should just date absolutely any woman I can, like blabby was hinting.

blabby can speak for himself, but I doubt that that's what blabby meant.

Anyhow, while I don't think you should have no standards, I do think you need to be less hung up on age, specifically. Recall that the title of this thread is "My problem with relationships and age." In the first post of this thread, you basically painted yourself into a corner due to age-related issues alone. That's one thing you clearly need to stop doing. Don't turn down an opportunity for an otherwise good relationship merely because it won't have the relationship history that you wish you could have had. Be open to the possibility of a relationship with any reasonably compatible (and attractive enough for you) woman who is your age or younger.

dorkseid
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22 Apr 2022, 1:22 pm

Fnord wrote:

dorkseid wrote:

. . . somehow the one thing all women universally have in common is that none of them have ever found me attractive. . .

Do you think that is due to your actions, your appearance, your attitude, or some combination thereof?

Wish I knew.

A lot of women like me as a friend and enjoy spending time with me, so I'm clearly not giving off creep vibes or scaring them. And I get complimented on my looks. But I still can never find anyone seriously interested in me or even interested in casual sex. People say that my negativity or lack of confidence is an issue, but I have confirmation from an old friend that I used to have a better attitude. But even back then nobody was interested in dating me.

SkinnedWolf
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22 Apr 2022, 1:39 pm

dorkseid wrote:

I don't think that all women want the exact same kind of man. But somehow the one thing all women universally have in common is that none of them have ever found me attractive.

Considering my usual role in a relationship，I can be considered a heterosexual female here.

To say disrespectfully, although I don't know so much about other aspects of you, your despair will definitely make you lose any sexual attraction to me.
I hope you haven't expressed these attitudes outside of WP, otherwise that might be the reason.

You can really not find any partner, but don't let your target group find that out. Or, at least, not so obvious.
Otherwise it's easy for them to subconsciously start assessing whether you have any particular flaws. Even if there isn't, such doubts can dampen enthusiasm.

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AquaineBay
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22 Apr 2022, 6:32 pm

dorkseid wrote:

I'm not looking for someone that's perfect, just somebody I like. But nobody I've ever liked has liked me. And the only girlfriend I could ever get did not appeal to me in any way. She's ugly, her personality is unlikable, and she treated me horribly.

Do you not realize how it comes across when you talk about your ex. that way? You told the story and I'm sorry you were treated that way but, that gives no excuse to talk about someone that way and multiple times at that. I wouldn't want to be around someone who talks about past relationships in such a horrid way (friend or romantic). It sounds bitter, resentful, and really judgemental.

Also the way you describe her: "did not appeal to me in any way", "she's ugly", "her personality is unlikable", when you talk like that it doesn't make you sound anymore appealing than your ex. She was your fiancee at one point(regardless of the story) don't you think other potential suitors would be wondering "if I get into a relationship with this guy, if things don't work out will he talk about me like he talks about his ex fiancee?" The way you talk about her sounds like you haven't moved on from that relationship which is something that needs to be addressed before trying to get into a new one. And before you say" I don't say that to people IRL" even if you don't say it, your body language and gestures will show it.

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dorkseid
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23 Apr 2022, 9:09 am

SkinnedWolf wrote:

To say disrespectfully, although I don't know so much about other aspects of you, your despair will definitely make you lose any sexual attraction to me.

I understand that. But I never would have developed any despair if I had not already been consistently rejected by women for over a decade. The effect cannot be its own cause.

AquaineBay wrote:

Also the way you describe her: "did not appeal to me in any way", "she's ugly", "her personality is unlikable", when you talk like that it doesn't make you sound anymore appealing than your ex. She was your fiancee at one point(regardless of the story) don't you think other potential suitors would be wondering "if I get into a relationship with this guy, if things don't work out will he talk about me like he talks about his ex fiancee?" The way you talk about her sounds like you haven't moved on from that relationship which is something that needs to be addressed before trying to get into a new one. And before you say" I don't say that to people IRL" even if you don't say it, your body language and gestures will show it.

The point I'm making is about how even the only time in my life I was in a relationship, it was only by compromising on absolutely everything. And even after all that, it still ended up being a huge regret.

Last edited by Cornflake on 24 Apr 2022, 5:24 am, edited 1 time in total.: Fixed broken quoting

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