We have been apart for several months now. I tried so hard to relinquish my expectations and do for him what he needed. But it was never enough. One mistake and he would withdraw his love. And that would then throw me into a tailspin.
A love I can't live with and a love I can't live without.
He is self-diagnosed aspergers. Has a son, who is, I believe, actually diagnosed. My love says I am too. And the more I read, the more I wonder if it is true.
But don't we all want to say that something is wrong with us that explains all our difficulties in life? Wouldn't a nice excuse not to change be so handy?
To My Love:
Your hair falls along your strong shoulders, so smooth and black
Your eyes full of wonder and gentleness, so loving and relaxed
Your smile runs away with my soul, while your eyes dance with my heart.
Full, like the moon, your face is all I can see, all I want to see.
I look deeply ever wanting to dive in and swim within your soul.
Your warm hands run down the small of my back and I am trapped within your grasp.
I wonder if I learn, I wonder if I change can we be together again?
I wonder if you learn. I wonder if you change can we stay together?
Understanding, stepping back, removing expectations, releasing needs.
Can it bring us close? can it keep us together?
What is my sacrifice?
Compassion for me when I need it.
Someone to lean on when I am collapsing.
Completely knowing I am loved.
What is my gain?
His face, His touch, His hair brushing against my skin.
His love, although apportioned sparingly, like rewards for treating him correctly.
To stop missing him, to be in his arms, where it feels right.