Why is it that the nice guys finish last?

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I have said before that I have other intrests. But not having someone in my life is causing a huge emotional void. There someone goes judging me without me asking for it. My mom is a recovering addict. The last thing I am going to do is get on drugs like she was. God made me like this god can fix me. But no matter how hard I try to adapt, learn, work on myself, people think I am strange because god gave me AS. Last week or so I have not found joy in the stuff that used to make me happy. I know I am very depressed because nothing works. God wants me to feel this way. Only way out is with a bullet.

Everyone is a product of what happens to them, to say you're not would simply make you a robot; programmed to do the same thing since you were born. But rejection should only change your tactics. It's not you they're rejecting, just your approach.

Try dating several women at once. It makes you less obsessive since your attention is divided, less sensitive to rejection as there are others, and it's just a lot of fun. It doesn't make you a bad guy either to do this. Just make sure you can stop yourself if one of the relationships becomes more serious.

I would love to go out with more then one women casually. But to do that the women I ask out have to say "yes, I'll go out with you on a date" When I ask them out.

Kind of hard when every women you ask to go out and do something together says no. Heck I can't even get the women I send messages to on the dating site I am on to respond so we can start talking. Let alone meet and get to know each other.

Here we go again...

I wasn't directing my comment at you, just thinking of people I've known in the past. Does your comment mean that you are one of the guys who gets abusive or scary when they are rejected?

Women pick up on that kind of thing, and I've venture to guess that most women don't want to take a chance on a guy who is going to be abusive.

I sat for a while and tried to come up with something more to say to this, but I think b9 said it perfectly.

It was a bit harsh (kind of funny, too), but, as usual, what he said had a whole lot of wisdom to it.

Bitterness and anger bring people down. You've got to be at least somewhat happy with yourself in the world before women will want to be with you.

KenM: It might sound weird, but being a datable person bears many similarities to being employable. You might have the best skills for the job you seek, but if your attitude reeks of insecurity, or you practice poor hygiene, the employer might doubt your ability to do the job at hand, or even function productively in the confines of the workplace. Just because a lot of us can't read non verbal cues, doesn't mean that Nts aren't reading you like a book! Wallowing in negative thoughts shows on your face, emits from you like an invisible dark cloud. And people avoid you.

I dont always think that dating the "bad boy" is always such a good idea. I think that if you find someone that is nice and caring then they should count, not someone who puts out and gets around partying.

well you could be like me and not even both/care anymore, as In if you find someone you find someone, if you dont, at least god has given you a hand... or two, and an imagination to fantasize around with.

I know NTs can read me like I book. I try and stay positive. But I don't know how much of it comes out. I can't put on a fake smile and act happy when I do not feel happy. That is being deceptive and misleading. I can't be dishonest with people.

I can't see how people can see this through my online profile on the dating site I use.

KenM, this right here is exactly what's happening. "They may not like to pour their hearts down your drain" indeed. Your persona around women is likely a large empty hole that you want a woman to fill and you are getting increasingly angry that no woman is willing to take on that Sysiphean task. There is a common thread among all the men here who have been succesful with women. All these men don't pour all their energies into snagging a woman. Every last one of them: billsmithglendale, makuranoshi, b9, therange (and more) has a more relaxed attitude and this projects. The acceptance of women doesn't make or break them. I tried bumping up thrange's inspiring "I was once like you" post and it promptly sank again. I will bump it up again. You need to read it and live it. Also billsmithglendale's "one week without a negative thought" thread.

thanks elderwander and janissy for reading what i said, but i feel a bid sadly for him now i think about it.
he seems to crave it so badly and he is more like he is crying rather than screaming in anger.

i will reply to what he said after my post that was very harsh

i am sorry i do not have many emotions, and i therefore i do not have any emotional needs. my emotions are largely a void, but i do not care because i do not know what i am missing. i realize now this is not the case for you.


no i do not judge you at all. i do not know you and all i see is your words. i would never make a judgment of you because you may be a very nice person who is trapped in a place that you are desperate to get out of.

i know a man who is seriously creepy and he gets violent when he is rejected because he does things for girls he is infatuated with that they did not ask him to do, and he expects a reward because he was nice enough to do favors for them etc.

one girl he was obsessed with was doing a different course than he was doing in the same university that he was attending (he is a "perpetual student"), and he went home and researched all her exam questions and sent her advise about how to answer her test questions. one day she had no car and he offered to drive her where she needed to go that day and she accepted his offer.

he kept doing things for her and became annoyed that she did not fall for him.
he reasoned that he was so "nice" (he was really trying to buy her love with favors), and she should see he loves her. she did not realize he was obsessed with her and naively accepted his offers because he is gently spoken and well educated and seemingly placid.

after a few weeks she had no place to stay for a while and he offered her the option to live in his one bedroom apartment (he is long term unemployed and dresses like a business man).
he sacrificed his bed for her to sleep in and he slept on his couch for a month.

then she found a place to live and she wanted to move out and he became contentious and started to get angry with her for ignoring "a deeper and more selfless love than she could get from anyone else". she started to fear him and he became more and more aggressive.
after she moved, she was quite scared of him so she did not want him to know her new address, and he found out her address (creepy) and he went to her unit one day and she opened the door and he tried to state his case but she wanted to be left alone, and she tried to close the door.

he then went beserk and kicked the door open before she could close it, and he spat in her face and then went inside and she said she would call the police.
he then kicked the boxes she had not yet unpacked and some of them had plates and cups in them and they broke.
a neighbor rang the police and he was arrested and she got a restraining order placed upon him.
he could not stay away and he violated the order, and he was facing jail if he went there again, and thankfully he did not go there again.

i may be biased because i know him and you say things he would definitely agree with.
i am sorry if i misread your words.


that is sad. i meant pharmaceutical medication prescribed by a doctor, not illegal drugs.

god does not need to fix what he makes. it is perfect. you have to see how you are not damaged is all.


just be relaxedly your true self and do not panic and try to mold yourself in ways that you are not made to be...relaxed complacency is soothing to others i think.

i am strange too. i sit at the table at the tavern (not for a while now) and i put my attache case standing up on the table so it is like a barrier so i do not see people around, and i work hard on things i enjoy. i write snippets of code that i am excited to get home and try out and i am totally oblivious to what the rest of the people are doing.

"strange" is not "bad". not to people who are decent minded. "strange" is merely "unusual".
"unusual" is "bad" only to insecure people who adhere rigidly to certified public formulas for acceptance.

i encounter girls who sometimes lean over me while i am working and they are nice. they say thinks like "wow, you look busy. what are you doing?"
in my case i can not be bothered translating it so i say things like "oh just stuff. i need to get it done anyway so...." and they get the hint and go. i want to do my work.

if anyone makes fun of me (always young males about 18-20) i ignore it. they can not get to me unless they come to me and get confrontational and then i will stand up and tell them to "go and tell the bar staff if you have a problem with me or else leave me alone".
they then leave me alone and say things like "what a freak" and i get back to what i was doing and forget it immediately. who cares but for them? i like to play with my ideas and scribble away while i wait for my dinner to be cooked.

that is why i think medication may help you to feel more content. i never had medication, but i have known people that went from very unsatisfied to content(ish) after they get the correct medication.


are you trying to get sympathy by saying that? do you tell girls that? they would not be very accommodating to that statement if you only just met them.
maybe you have decided even before you meet them that they will not like you, and it is a self fulfilling prophesy.

but i do not judge you.
i think you are ok. if you were like that person i gave the example of, then you would have responded to me by angrily calling me an assh0le.

i am sorry i was so harsh and i hope you can find some other thing that you like doing.
i can not help you but i wish that things get better for you.

Not everyone can read the external cues to our inner selves. Do not assume 100% of the people out there are able to figure you out. We out think ourselves often, and worry about little details meanwhile those details are not even noticed by others. This leads to disorders such as anorexia.

However, if you have a crappy verbal attitude, lazy body language and lack basic hygiene, then people will pick up on it.

Nothing wrong with deception. The world is full of it, it's expected and if you cannot be deceptive, you have more problems in life than someone very skilled in manipulation.

Socio/psychopaths are cases in point - they do not care about how their actions or words impact those around them, and often times are charismatic and get what they're after allowing them to hurt people around them even moreso.

If you cannot be deceptive, even to the point of "little white lies" you have deeper problems than how you relate to those of the opposite sex.

Once you can lie and deceive, meeting people and garnering a favorable response will work better for you.

To those who say "Honesty is the best policy!", understand we're not advocating 100% deception for 100% of the time, it's just enough to get over the initial hurdle and to raise the self esteem. We all put on masks and suits for significant events, such as job interviews and funerals. However, we are generally not going to wear a suit every day at work (ugh, I've done it working for the Feds) nor when we our still mourning.



Your attitude and personality at the time colors your writing. Someone in a jovial mood is generally going to come off as a good natured, good fun person to be with. A dark person generally sticks to facts and the positives in a profile are lacking.

I am most likely viewed as dark, even on the forums. Not that It bothers me, I let people think whatever the hell they want. Makes it easier to do the fun things, random acts that come from out of left field. I probably attribute it to being a ninja/assassin in a past life, Im really good at sneaking around and scaring people s**tless. Yeah, I can easily swing from subtle to the point that noone knows wtf is going on, to being blunt, straightforwards to the point I can have a very... interesting effect on people. Its like I can shapeshift, just mentally instead of physically, and it is amusing to play head games sometimes.

Take a quick look through this book (don't necessarily buy it) the next time you're in a bookstore. You'll probably get a kick out of the first chapter. http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Do ... 076791581X

I can't belive someone is saying its OK to be deceptive and lie. Especially since alot of people here have AS and take what is said literaly. I will not start a relationship based on lies and being misleading. That is always wrong. I have broken off reltionships over these so called "harmless" little white lies. When I ask a question I expect a straght answer. As I am always straght with people and I want people to be the same. If I catch someone in a lie or being dishonest with me for any reason, I always end the relationship with them. This shows they have no respect for me as a person when they lie to you. They are no longer worth your time. I make that very clear with people that I will not tolerate any kind of deception or being lied to. If they can't handle that, its there loss.

Let's say that a guy is positive and upbeat after meeting someone, and he stays that way, but the girl rejects him because she has ridiculous standards due to total paranoia. The girl is unwilling to compromise, everything has to be her way or the highway. However, the guy is willing to compromise, but once he states his case, she accuses him of being manipulative.

What is your take on that?

This is what happened to me before:

1. I had the type of attitude listed above.
2. She said she couldn't be in a relationship because of the distance--it was only 100 miles away, not all that far, and even then, it would have only been temporary, until after I finished college.
3. When I expressed my disappointment on here (she was also on WP), she accused me of having a weak personality, which isn't true. She thinks a "strong personality" means never needing emotional support, or having to ask for advice. I didn't let her actions affect my schooling, contrary to what she thought.
4. When I tried to come up with some sort of compromise, she accused me of trying to "guilt-trip" her, which was never my intention. She then stated that she expects no burdens or inconveniences in any relationship.