you guys need to go to parties/bars/clubs

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Excellent advice, makuranososhi. I'd like to add the following:

Since today is Sunday and you're probably off of work, go to your local bookstore and get "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "UltraMetabolism" by Mark Hyman. Melody Beattie's book will give you lots in insight into how you can not allow other's people's actions affect you so deeply. Mark Hyman's book provides a very practical, step-by-step plan to changing your eating habits.

The next stop I'd make is your local health club. Get your membership and set up every-other-day appointments with a trainer. The appointments can serve as the structure you need to keep going to the health club, until going regularly becomes a firmly entrenched habit. (You'll be surprised how doing something like this will improve your self-estemm.)

Motivation is often not something that prompts you to take action. Often, motivation comes after you engage in a new activity. That's an important idea to understand....if you wait for motivation to prompt you to make a change, you could wait for the rest of your life.

You might also want to borrow a concept from the 12-Step philosophy known as "acting as if." In your case, it means act as though you have self-esteem, and a solid belief in your own self-worth - even if you don't. Start behaving as if you believe those things about yourself - and eventually you will. Don't believe me? Your mind is your most powerful tool in making these kind of changes. There are drunks who have ruined themselves and their families financially, perhaps even gone to jail, gotten violent with their loved ones, stolen, lied, cheated, sacrified their integrity and humanity to alcohol - and people like that get sober every single day. Think they don't feel worthless? Of course they do - and with good reason. But they "act as if" they're worth getting sober, worth doing the work, worth recovery - and they recover. And when they're into recovery, and have begun to repair the damage they've done and taken responsibility for their lives - they realize that they actually are worthwhile human beings.

You still have enough time to get this stuff done today - so get going.

why do people say we need to do things we actually dont need to al all. Don't they know what need means?

Need is subjective, Eggman. Your needs aren't the same as mine, save at the most basic of levels.


M.

Yes, but it's safe to say that most Aspies/introverts don't NEED to go to a bar, club, or party. If the OP had suggested "Go out and find an activity you enjoy" that would be a different story. Like Hope said, the OP wasn't saying what works for him, but was saying for every Aspie guy to do something that most of us aren't interested in doing and don't NEED to do.

And what I said still applies - need is subjective. What the OP needs isn't a necessity or even an option for others such as Eggman.


M.

So why is the OP telling us what we need then? Why doesn't he say "I needed to go to bars/parties/clubs." He made it sound like the reason none of us Aspies are having as much success with women as we'd like is because we haven't went to bars/clubs/parties, when many of us have and hated it, or in some cases, know that it isn't our scene anyway.

My problem with the OP is that he came on here and said "You NEED to do this." If he needs to fine, but I don't, and most here don't.

I think you misunderstood me a little, range. I think the OP's intent was to communicate what worked for him, and to suggest it might work for others. I think it's unfortunate that his choice of words came across a bit more as directions or instructions rather than a suggestion...but I think he was just enthusiastic about his success and wanted to share it. Forgivable, don't you think?

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

I just didn't appreciate the tone of his message. Sounded more like one of those wannabe pick-up artists than an Aspie. There are sites if he wants to brag about hurting women's feelings and picking up women in clubs.

Maybe you're right though, he's excited and was trying to suggest for others to do the same thing. But my point is that his tone doesn't reflect that, even if that was his intention.

It reflected it to me. I saw the 'you need to' in the same way someone would say 'you need to see this movie' or 'you need to try that new burger'. Not as in NEED or you will suffer, but need as in should.

PaganMom

(Double post)

Last edited by therange on 29 Nov 2009, 7:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Words like "wingmen" and "friend-zoned" suggest that he's been reading pick-up material, probably David D Angelo or something. The fact that not one guy has responded and said "Thanks" or "I'll give it a try" shows that his advice was posted on the wrong website.

If I sound like I'm hating, it's because I found this site to avoid guys like him.

At least he's happy and not complaining over not having somebody/doing something etc.

PaganMom

terms like wingmen and friend zone have been used long before all the PUA stuff, even here in London.

I'm not complaining about my life...I like to talk about what's going on, but I don't think I've complained once, other than about my sex drive, because it gets annoying having a hard-on for anything that's a 5 or better on the 10 scale. Some guys like it, but I think it's pure torture and annoying.

Exercise can be very good for your mood and self esteem. Even before any physical changes are visible it is likely to help you feel better and happier about yourself. Sometimes a day doesn't feel like a good day unless you've done something.

The first few days might be tough. You may even feel as though you are going to die. But stick with it.

Martial arts are a good form of exercise. They can also help you feel confident about yourself. Especially when out and about late at night.

If you don't feel happy with yourself that will be visible to others and make you seem less attractive.

I can vouch for that firsthand. When I happen to leave the house, I notice significantly less strangers pointing me out or laughing at me because I'm more comfortable in my own skin. As a guy, even if you're good looking and you seem uncomfortable in your own skin, it opens up the door for criticism and ridicule. Not saying it's justified, but it's just how NT's operate.

Losing weight and improving your look will 1.)Make you feel more confident. 2.)You'll look better on top of the confidence, and then you'll have a significantly better chance of landing your dream woman.

Toad's other problem, though, is that he overanalyzes things to death. I know a lot of Aspies do, but it's like he has it programmed in his head the way he MUST meet the girl of his dreams, and he's not open to easier possibilities.