It's Really Not an NT or Aspie Thing....

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I'm new here but thought I'd add my $.02...

As far as the original post, I agree that it is a very good idea to look for any kind of signs that there may be an issue. I've learned some hard lessons in that by dating a lot of jerks, but I am much happier now that I'm learning when to end the relationship. Everyone I've dated has been NT, but they certainly have had some serious issues. The fact that one's brain functions "normal" neurologically speaking does not mean that it functions normal psychologically speaking. Learning everything you can about psychology and tell-tale signs of disorders is a good idea since those of us on the spectrum have such a hard time determining what is and isn't a normal social behavior.

As far as sex goes, you can't just apply a rule to it. A girl isn't necessarily bad if she sleeps with you early in the relationship. Stuff happens. Sometimes two people have a couple too many drinks, it happens way earlier in the relationship than you expected, and it is nearly impossible to go back to where the relationship was before it went there. If it is a good relationship, you wouldn't want to end it just because you did something stupid. I think the important thing is that you make sure that it doesn't suddenly become your primary activity and you continue to get to know each other. It doesn't mean the girl has issues. You kind of have to look more into the circumstance than just deciding that it means you should look out for that girl. Was there alcohol involved? Was she crying on your shoulder about her dog dying? Did she fall asleep on the couch watching a movie with you and then did the half asleep bad decision at 3 AM? I mean... really lots of stuff like that can make a girl more vulnerable to going there way too early. Now if she is just all over you on the third date with no alcohol involved, then she probably has no self-respect and you want to be careful about getting involved with her.

On the topic of divorce rate, I don't think the divorce rate is high because of the length of time people date. That is another one that is situational. My parents dated three months and have been married for 51 years. Not just married but very happy together. Sometimes they are so sweet I want to puke. I think that the divorce rate is so high because people don't want to work through the problems that inevitably crop up when two people are trying to determine how to spend their lives together. When you read a statistical analysis on the topic, it is important to get information about how they gathered their samples. The studies that show that there is a relation to the length of time dating are frequently reflecting the fact that people who date longer have spent more time learning to work through problems together. If a study had a control group of people who have been living together for a long time and not married to base some of the results from, there would be more validity to the results. If you are still dating when one of you (or both) wusses out and stops working through your problems, you just break up. If you are married, you become part of the statistic. There are a lot of people who marry early and then have a bazillion fights and come out of it understanding each other more and stay married. There are people who date a long time and then get married and something like deciding to have kids kicks of another round of fights they decide not to work through. The secret is really learning to argue effectively rather than filing the first time your spouse ticks you off.

@Daniella....thank you. I completely agree - everyone is messed up in their own way. It's just a question of where each person is on the continuum.

@Hilltramp...Lots of people don't understand what a healthy marriage is supposed to feel like. There's no substitute for open and honest communication - you have to ask your wife what she needs and what she expects from your marriage. Please listen to her, and be honest about your needs as well.

There are lots of good references on marriage...I recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Dr. Laura can be a bit of an acquired taste, but this book is a good place to start. Read it with your wife, and discuss it with her, so you'll be certain that Dr. Laura's advice works for your marriage specifically.

@Keyz88...I think your two cents is welcome any time. I agree with the spirit of your post (specific comments below):

"As far as sex goes, you can't just apply a rule to it. A girl isn't necessarily bad if she sleeps with you early in the relationship." Just want to state again that I didn't say that a girl is "bad" if she engages in sex early in a relationship, howeve, it can be a sign that the young lady may have some issues. Based on your following comment (and your use of the words "vulnerable" and "way too early") I get the sense that you agree that there is some kind of a timeline when engaging in sex in a relationship is more appropriate: "really lots of stuff like that can make a girl more vulnerable to going there way too early." And look, there are risky behaviors that girls have be wary of....like drinking too much to make good decisions, falling asleep at a strange guy's place, or looking for emotional-support-in-the-form-of-sex from a stranger. Girls who value themselves and are pretty well grounded typically aren't willing to put themselves at risk.

As far as the divorce rate goes, I think we're talking about two sides of the same coin: people don't take the commitment of marriage seriously. You used your parents' courtship as an example, but peoples' expectations of marriage were very different back then - they assumed that when they married, it would be a lifetime commitment. How many marriages would take place if people really thought they were making a lifetime commitment? I do think that rushing into marriage is an indication that the people involved are not making a lifetime commitment. I also completely agree with you that many, many people simply are not willing to work through the problems most couples experience in marriage, and opt for divorce instead.

@Techstep...I am uncharacteristically confused by your comment. Is your point that relationships take a lot of work, so you should be sure the person you're with is worth the effort?

Thanks techstep - I think I get it now. From my perspective, I guess I'd say that a deep and intimate friendship is the "glue" that keeps a relationship together....particularly as lust/attraction ebbs and flows. People can be hot for each other in a heartbeat, but I don't think it's attraction that keeps people together long-term. I think it's really liking each other....sharing common beliefs and philosophies, a sense of humor, security, trust....it can sustain the relationship through the rough times. Of course, nothing can sustain a relationship if both partners aren't committed to working through their problems.

And btw, yes - I think you should definitely consider following the herd out of Cleveland!

I agree with you. it may be other issues not connected with AS, and it depends on the indvidual and their traits whether the relashionship can work or not. :/

i am an aspie i did it once worst mistake i ever made

the words you use are the typical things a doctor will tell someone who has been legitimately treated as an outcast by the group as a whole. NTs never repeat things under their breath. NTs communicate with eachother with ease. Nts can allegedly read a persons emotions from their eyes alone. They mature mentally in ways that we do not. And they all have this ridiculous belief in their head that even though all the cars on the road are pretty much identical some are somehow more "stylish" than others. It has also been my experience that most of them tend to a deep rooted disdain for that which is different.

I could go on for hours about how we are different. And yet you are trying to convince me that we're all the same. If we were all the same I wouldn't have gone through even half the hardship I've went through in my life.

@jimdobbeep - Who are you addressing your comments to?

3 months?

I had always heard that getting engaged after less than 1 year of dating is considered rushing.