Ode to Nice Guys

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'His shoulder is wonderfully absorbent'

Lol!

This point has already been made by MCalavera and that youtube link above, but it is worth reiterating:

If you are friends with a guy and he has developed a romantic attraction to you and you do not feel the same, tell him. Tell him as directly, and as explicitly as possible. No hints. No subtleties. Even if it will make you "feel bad" in the moment, trust me, it would hurt him MUCH MUCH less in the long run if you tell him upfront and directly "I think you are a great guy, I value our friendship, but I do not like you in a romantic way"

Two things will happen:

1. (and this is very rare) He will say "ooops," and the friendship will continue on like nothing happened

2. (and this is much much more likely) He will be deeply hurt, and disappointed.

If scenario 2 happens, it is best to cut things off with him. Even if just temporarily. Yes, you will feel bad. Yes you will think it is such a shame to lose the great friendship, but it is cruel and unusal punishment to expect him to suddenly switch off his romantic feelings for you and continue the platonic friendship like nothing happened.

It does not mean that he didn't value the friendship. It does not mean that all he wanted was sex. He wanted a romantic relationship with you, and if he's not asexual then yes, a romantic relationship includes an expectation of sex for both men and women. Doesn't meant that all he wanted was sex.

Look I totally understand why so many women have a hard time just being upfront. They don't want to come across like a b***ch. Or they don't want to hurt the guy. But listen to what we men are telling you. If we have unrequited romantic feelings for you, it hurts a lot lot less in the long run if you say just no directly, then cut the friendship off. His romantic feelings won't suddenly disappear and it is torture to expect him to keep up a purely platonic relationship with you while his heart yearns for more.


I don't know how to make this point any clearer, but I understand why it is a hard lesson for many women to learn. I get it.

So stop being a nice guy. Learn how to improve yourself so you can have a personality that woman are actually attracted to. There is no sexual attraction to a nice guy. In fact most nice guys actually completely hide their sexuality from her thus friendzoning themselves.
Also, you only hear woman saying they want a nice guy because saying "I want a player that has sex with lots of girls" would make them sound like sluts. ALL woman have the internal FEAR of being judged as a slut. Never ask a woman for dating advice and take it seriously. In fact, ask your female friends for what the perfect guy would be, then do the exact opposite.

Thing is that girls think that's always the sleazy way that some guys do: Pretending wanting only friendship while wanting more since the beginning. So they see it as treason to friendship.

But it's not always the case!! ! And based on my observation, it isn't that case.

A lot of men DO start a friendship with a woman with the intention of friendship only then they gradually develop for her with time.

Personal example: I knew a girl for 3 years, I had no special feelings toward her at all, I'd only started or realizing having feelings (and strong) toward her at the 3rd year of knowing her.

Thing is, and a lot of women would want to throw tomatoes at me for saying this, that I have the impression that men are much more likely to develop romantic feelings gradually than women, I have the impression that women's attraction system is way more subconsciously "0 or 1" /"Date material" or "Not date material" since the beginning of knowing the person, it might fluctuates downward with time but it is extremely rare that it goes upward if it is initially 0. That's why a lot of women can't comprehend the idea of a friend male falling in love with them.

That's why in most very long female-male friendships, it is often the male who falls in love with the female, the other way around is much less heard of.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 29 Jun 2013, 2:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

Honestly it seems the argument on this never ends.

On one side you have the people that say women universally do not want nice guys. This is false.

On the other side you got the idea that everyone is different and no one woman likes the same kind of man. This is true.

This is an argument that continues to occur amongst "aspies" and NTs alike and it is getting extremely old.

The above is not an opinion. It is fact. No one person is the same in any way. It is why they call each person in the world an "individual".

I think what is happening is many people are misunderstanding what a "nice guy" actually is. Also many of these people are referring to men that are overly nice and are push-overs. Being nice is fine but being overly nice especially on the first date creeps women out because then they think you are actually just trying to sleep with them. You are being overly nice as a front to just wanting to get laid. Men, stop putting on a show and just be yourself you will attract the right person.

The fact is in order to get women you need to be genuine. Just be yourself. You may have to go on 50 dates and keep getting rejected in order to find that special person. Many times NTs have to go through the same process that "aspies" have to go through. Dating is difficult for most guys.

And if some woman does not like you get over yourself and move on to the next one. Every one has to deal with rejection and sometimes you are not doing anything wrong. Stop trying so hard to impress. This is what is killing your chances.

I think you are right because when I met my last date she pretty much knew she was not into me within the first few minutes of meeting her. I did not feel a connection either but I would not have made such a drastic decision that quickly. I generally do not feel a connection at first sight. It is actually gradual for me.

I was given completely mixed signals by this person. Because she said she wanted to form a friendship first. I made the mistake of asking more than once if she wanted to be more than friends. I mentioned almost right away when we met in person for our date.

She basically said to me she wants to pursue more than friendship. Obviously this was a lie because the minute I met her she did not want to pursue anything with me except and online friendship. Needless to say I am still reeling over all this and now she refuse to even talk to me anymore because I said all kinds of things after she told me this that scared her off.

I just don't understand why this is happening to me. I was completely not pushy or creepy in any way.

I feel so hurt and betrayed by this person. This AS is awful and causes me not to be able to understand flirting and being interested in someone. I am not sure if I was just being used by this person or what. I am completely lost and I cannot get her out of my head. I have completely stopped contact with her.

She disowned me on facebook and then basically got rid of her profile on there. I mean I really must have caused a problem at the end. And I did not mean to do any of it. I just could not control my behavior at the end. This always happens to me. I have the best intentions and I always end up ruining it.

I talked about it on here but it seems everybody jumped all over me because they thought I was making an excuse for becoming obsessive with this person. Ever women or girl I ever like I got obsessed with them. I do not understand why this is happening to me. I have talked to countless doctors about this and they cannot help me.

I really need to get over this.

^ yes, women usually judge a guy within first minutes, if you're "not" then you're not for good.
There are studies confirming that.

Men seem more opt to give things their time.

To be honest with you I have in many ways been a consistent a***hole to many girls (indirectly and when intoxicated directly) and it hasn't really got me much further. It's a different issue really, more one of self-esteem.

Which does actually beg the question of how the hell anyone with autism/dyspraxia/aspergers or whatever is supposed to have any self-esteem when, more often than not, it has been drummed out of them by their parents, by their schools, by innumerable failed social interactions. The truthful answer is, I think, for many, that they can't really get the self-esteem back, and so are doomed either to be single or in some kind of horrific loveless/abusive relationship, of which I think the former state of affairs is in many ways preferable.

I've got to agree with the doormat thing. If someone says something I disagree with or they are doing something that is plainly silly I am honourbound as a friend to tell them.

That still landed me with the nice, quirky, weird guy label, but also as someone who gives bluntly honest advice and has the trust of an awful lot of people.

It's lovely to be that guy. Just wish it got me laid a bit more often

An Ode to nice guys who dress well, take care of themselves, look decent, and aren't insecure or too quiet

Asking multiple times to be more than friends; yet says he is not push or creepy.

Why would you ask to be more than friends "almost right away when we met in person for our date", that's f*****g ret*d. Doing that will automatically make it so she losses all interest. You haven't even talked to her.

Also why are you still trying to talk to her? She said she doesn't like you and made it clear. This makes you seem even more creepy and desparate. This is your problem and woman can sense it. The fact that woman will actually delete you on Facebook after meeting you is sad. Make the changes yet you don't seem to want to.