Polyamory

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Yes, we all date. I introduced CA to his last girlfriend. When I met CA, I was dating Jim, so for a year, I had three partners. That's my limit, it requires too much time management after that and cuts into my alone time. Jim was a long distance truck driver and was only in town once every six weeks, so that helped. On the other hand, he wanted to talk on the phone a lot which was pretty dull for me, but I knew he needed to pass the time and stay alert while he was driving, so I tried to be understanding.

Brian is the most introverted of us, even though he's not an Aspie, so when he dates, the whole household cheers him on. CA is the outgoing, impulsive one, he's had to learn to relax and get to know someone before jumping into a relationship. I am somewhere in the middle, I don't seek out other relationships, because I have so much going on in my life, with a house full of people, pets, a house in the process of being remodeled, health issues, my advocacy work. I would like to see our little family expand, so if another came along, whether they were male, female or genderqueer, I would be OK.

How does dating work with us? Generally, when one of us meets someone that they are interested in, they bring them home to meet the rest of us, either before the first date or soon after. We tend to socialize so much as a family that if they aren't comfortable with hanging out with us, then it's probably not going to work out. There's no veto power, but if one was dating someone that one of the others didn't like (and that has happened), it gets discussed. Once Brian dated someone much younger than me and I struggled with that - I was terribly insecure. It took me a while to work through it, by the time I had fully processed and accepted, she had moved on to someone else. I don't want to think that I did all that work for nothing, but it sure felt that way at the time.

If the other person is in a relationship, then we need to hear directly from their partner that the relationship is OK with them. We don't tolerate cheaters or liars. Safe sex must be practiced unless everyone involved has given their consent to a fluid-bonded relationship. I think most everything else is about managing expectations. If one of the guys is spending the night elsewhere, I want to know in advance so I don't worry or make plans where I need the car. Gmail calendar is the poly family's friend - we can post our schedules for quick reference. Texting works well too. We're middle-aged, chubby science fiction geeks - it's not like we go on a lot of dates. It's nice when it happens though.

Cinder:

It all sounds very civilized. For many years, there has been no doubt in my mind that most men are fundamentally not monogamous even if they do practice monogamy (I would put myself in this category). I'm beginning to think that many women are this way as well but society still stigmatizes "promiscuous" behaviour in Women...

i am currently monogamous. I was poly for almost 2 years, and before that had been monogamous, but my boyfriend was cheating on me, and had been pressuring me from early in our relationship to be poly, to such an extent that it really sorta damaged our relationship because I felt very insecure, and had never done it before, and he wanted to be poly on HIS terms, meaning he wanted two girlfriends and did not want to have to share me with another guy.
This was NOT the proper way to initiate a partner into being poly. There was lots of teasing involved, and lots of tactless speech..and when I did eventually become troubled by having feelings for another guy..i took those feelings very literally..and I left my partner for him, because due to my partner's double standards regarding polyamory, the guy who I was attracted to was "off limits" ..as he was a mutual friend of ours.....
Soooooofast forward...I embarked on a six month relationship with this person which failed for a variety of reasons..
My partner wanted me back and said he wanted to work on our relationship..I was depressed and vulnerable and didn't really have any other place to go, so I wound up back with him, only to have him cheat on me extensively over the course of several months till I found out...we broke up again (making that the 4th time)..at that point..
I moved out...he took advantage of my gullibility and got me back...the NEXT time I found that he was cheating on me AGAIN...I wanted VERY much to leave him, but I was in a situation where I was "stuck"....and so I got another boyfriend...(another mutual friend)....and though my feelings for my EX partner were VERY damaged by that point...he did all that he could to try and CONTROL the boundaries I had within my other relationship, and this caused a GREAT deal of fighting between us....

I sorta wanted ONLY to be with my other boyfriend...my "partner" expected me to want to be with both of them....but emotionally I could not do it...it was a very stressful time.
I managed to wrench myself free of my obligations to my former partner after he got his "other" girlfriend preggers...and now they have a kid.

After 2 years, my relationship with my friend deteriorated....and we eventually broke up and I have another boyfriend, and we are monogamous....

I recently got my own apartment but still help run 2 businesses with my ex-boyfriend/business partner...

Sometimes i miss my friendship with my friend who i had dated for two years...it is very hard for us to hang out together without things getting emotional, but we are working on it...Our relationship deteriorated after I enabled him to quit his job to come work for our business...it worked out to his benefit in some ways, but made it very hard for us to see each other and/or have any alone time...and for a long time, i was resentful of my business partner/ex, because it seemed like he sorta set things up to be that way on purpose.

It has NOT worked out the the benefit of my business partner, except that now he has a child..His girlfriend is extremely volatile and yells at him a whole bunch and threatens him constantly..and though she in the past, was a bit of a tramp. will not put up with ANY fooling around, even though they are not married.

My husband and I are looking for a girlfriend, but it's hard. Most girls willing to be with us are just looking for sex.

Sounds better than what me and my girlfriend find.

This b***h doesn't share.
I'd probably have a proper 3some or moresome if It wasn't with thugs and I was single, or I didn't really give a crap about my partner.

I've got friends who do this though. Never understood the appeal.

My husband says he was "born without the jealous gene" and he just doesn't "get" jealousy. We've been married over 25 years and it's never changed. OTOH, I used to be very jealous and now I'm not much (just a little bit, only a twinge now and then) because I've seen how much it can harm a relationship. Took me over 40 years to get where he was at birth...hmmm...

~Kate

Cinder, your posts are extremely revealing about why poly can be a good choice for people on the spectrum.

We crave nonambiguity, honesty, and complete disclosure in our relationships, platonic or romantic, and these things are simply not possible in monogamy or the pursuit of monogamy to the degree many of us require them.

With polyamory and/or promiscuity (I guess which of the two depends on whether or not you want kids), most if not all of the should-we-or-shouldn't-we-say-or-do this, a subject about which volumes of material has been produced-- the front page of WP advertises a book about this very topic!-- this nonsense that terrifies us and leads to profound psychological distress, can be thrown out the window where it belongs. Everything can be laid out on the table up front.

While lots of mainstreamers would say this is an unhealthy relationship, what do they know? I say GOOD FOR YOU.