Obsessions that lead to a broken heart

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I'm doing my best SC. It's very hard to ignore him. I'm trying though.

It sucks, and it's even worse when finally someone develops an attraction back to you and you feel like "okay, I'm FINALLY doing something right" but something happens, and you realize you made the exact same f*****g mistakes as previously, and it fizzles out.

Yeah, I can't seem to do things right for a long time.. i might for a little bit, and then they all go wrong again.

hale_bopp was right -- you seem to think that the world or my world revolves around you. In reality, I do not care or think about you.

If I was out to "get" you, that would be so pathetic of me. It would be like I was hellbent on ruining the yappy dog that lives 8 houses away and barks at me when I pass. I have better things to do than making it my mission in life to crush an irritating yappy dog.

The yappy dog irritates me for a few seconds when I pass it, but after passing it I do not think about it again. It is only in my mind while I am passing it. For all the rest of the day, I have no thoughts about it, and I certainly do not waste my time devising plots to destroy a little dog -- it is so not worth it.

When I step in someones discarded bubblegum, it irritates me for a moment, but then I remove it from my shoe, throw it away, and do not think about it again. I do NOT go on some mad crusade against the bubblegum where I furiously jump up and down on it trying to crush it and start a worldwide campaign against it. There is no war against the piece of bubblegum I stepped in. It is only a dirty piece of bubblegum, and it is of no real importance to me.

Except in a story where you sit in super glue then get up without realizing it and ripping your pants exposing your bum. You then walk around town showing everyone just what an ass you are.

Look this obviously isn't going to get resolved, and it seems it just seems to be getting worse, so can everyone leave this alone now?

TigerFire -- let's also note that I said nothing to or about you in this thread, until you posted a message/rant criticizing me. Hardly the behavior of someone seeking to crush you.

Oh well I wanted to make sure.

The come back king, hooyaa.

My advice would be to try to understand that the "obsession" part is not romantic or love-- it is obsession, just like some people are obsessed by trains or fossils, you get obsessed with people. But unlike a subject, you can't go to the bookstore and buy every book on the subject (person). With a person, you have to have their PERMISSION to learn every detail about them, and more often than not, people don't want to give you that kind of access. Even if you kidnap someone, they won't give you the kind of access you want (I haven't tried that, I'm just thinking hypothetically). Your best method would be to get them to befriend you or fall in love with you, but that can't be forced, and even if it does develop, your obsessiveness will eventually drive them away. And like you said, in the meantime you will completely forget all your friends, because you are incapable of thinking of any other person than the person you are obsessing over, and your friends will be annoyed and disgusted and may well leave you, and you'll end up alone.

Advice?

Try to recognize if there is a pattern over the kind people you obsess over. More male than female? A particular personality type? This won't stop the obsessions but at least you will be able to take a step back and look at the process a little more objectively.

Try to separate the "obsession" from the "love." View the "obsessiveness" as generic obsessiveness, the kind you could have for a subject or object.

Try to obsess over topics/ things, not people.

Try obsessing over message boards instead of particular people.

If a paticular person obsession is killing you, start consciously looking for someone else to obsess over. Even if you can't find a suitable obsession-object, just opening yourself up to the possibility of switching "targets" might alleviate some of the pain.

Try to divide your obsessiveness up over several people. This will make you less vulnerable to "the one" person cutting you off, and it will make you less likely to scare someone if ALL of your obsessiveness is not being poured onto them.

Accept that you will not stop obsessing over people. It took me 30 years to figure this one out. Now, instead of trying to stop, I try to manage, and it has become much more bearable ever since.

Don't let youself be sexually exploited to gain access to your obsession. I know it is tempting to use sex if your obsession object is attracted to you, but try to avoid this at all costs, because it is so dangerous.

Limerence is an interesting concept. What is the difference btween love and leremce? That liemerence demands return, but love does not?
According to the Wikipedia article on limerence this is so but i do not agree. Love wants reciprocation. Or is love unselfish, selfless? Is love only if i care for someone without expecting a return,like, love in return? This is tricky,,,,This sounds as if only unrequitted love was tue love....Or is that limerence? Confusiion abounds
But back to the subject i try to cull an obession by thinking that the object (person) is not what i made her out to be, thatt she is not worth my person, that i deluded myself & i try to move on and pay attention to other people. I#s easier if you deal with various people regularly. eg i reurned from the amnesty international AGM Monday & have a lot to do with my ai people. So much that i gibve my shyness support group meets a mis....(But then again, this group isn't much worth atr all)

I miss my last 'limerence object ' a very wee llittle bit now. I iamgine it would be fine to do things with her but do not think of her intrusively.
We co-worked on the amnesty Hannover summer festival end May this year..& we had bit of chitchat...then we thanked each other by mail... she enjoyed it very much...
I understand that her wish not to see me in her private life hasn't changed. But i focus on other people...
The problem is to choose someone for my limerence who i won't want to befriend or won't be afraid of losing by my obsessivity and limerence
Another advice is contacting the limerence object less...i.e. not e-mailing more than twice weekly unless it is asked for...


But, contrary to the concept of limerence, i wasn't shy in the presence of my "limerence object"- no- i was lovely and talkative and chirpy. Very lively indeed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Here is my counter-advice to what en_una_isla wrote. (Note, this assumes it's a guy liking a girl, or that Hale_bopp is a lesbian )

As to learning about people: Don't go too far. Or if you REALLY must know everything about them, make sure she doesn't know you know stuff about her that she hasn't told you about; she may think you're stalking her, and considering how AS-types can be off-putting, a lot of potential for legal trouble exists. I know this; though for the most part I've been safe from prosecution due to being a minor most of the times it's happened, I've been questioned by police quite a bit as to my supposed relationships ("What relationships? I've always been single!"). It was rather bad my senior year after I pissed off this one girl who then tells me that she would not hesitate to file a restraining order against me if I keep trying to contact her, and then a bunch of cops put a carjack on my ride, saying that they would remove it when they were done questioning me.

Try recognizing a pattern; in my case, it's non-existient. I go from neurotic academic overachievers to friendly videogamers to party animals. However, you might have one. As to whether or not she likes you, here I cannot help out for I'm a college sophmore, still single. Still obsess over a girl in love with her boyfriend (not me). She doesn't know I obsess over her, as it stands only one of her friends knows this (after I snapped and tackled her after she said "I told her you like her"). So far, I'm great friends with this girl (e.g. we hang out, cosplay together/might share rooms at Otakon 2006, etc.). Any help for ME would be appreciated as so far, she's the closest thing to the woman of my dreams. (Cute blonde perky cosplayer with an intense love of Soul Calibur, whose saddest day was when SEGA discontinued the Dreamcast? I'm in love)

As for if you're obsessed, don't use that phrase. Maybe head-over-heels in love, maybe if you really trust her, talk to her about your AS. Of course, by then if you're both doing great despite your personality quirks. This head-over-heels nature when done right means that if you're not refuted, you're probably found a partner for life. Harness this single-mindedness rather than trying to fight it.

Kidnapping: I have yet to try it, but apparently capture-bonding does exist if done right. I am still held down by moral and legal restrictions, so I probably won't consider abduction in the near future.

Switching obsessions: This doesn't work. You'll only get rid of an obsession if you find someone that you can obsess over more strongly. I've noticed with each passing year, I am liking girls with even greater intensity and it isn't helping.

Well Hale_bopp, I know exactly what you feel. It seems like I ALWAYS get obsessed/infatuated with men I can't possibly ever have. Whether it is that they're too much older, married, a celebrity, or even a fictional character, and sometimes a combination! I seem to be hopeless and destined to be alone if I always go after such ideal and impossible to have men. Sometimes it is a temporary obsession - I was obsessed with Hugh Jackman for only 3 months I think. But then there was someone I was just so stubborn about, and I was so SO into him for well..... about 10 years!

The strangest thing that happens to me is, sometimes but VERY RARELY (its only happened twice in my life so far) I get obsessed about someone REAL, like, in junior high and then in college, there was someone who I was just TORMENTED by feelings to get to know them, I was kind of a stalker even..... The thing was, I didn't enjoy it much at all, it just gave me alot of anxiety and stress, and plus, they were really not much to look at at ALL, I didn't get to know them either, so I really had NO idea what so ever on why I was so obsessed with them! This proved to not be good for so many reasons, including not being able to focus on my studies. And jeez, if I'm just gonna be so completely SCARED to even try to talk to them, whats the whole point?

Yeah actually, it can work quite well. For a while.... This is basically what happened to me:

I found myself just so COMPLETELY interested in this fictional character a few years ago. No one I have ever been interested in has even came CLOSE. It seemed pretty innocent for a while, for a long time in fact. It was alot of fun really! He made me smile all the time, either by seeing new images of him or just daydreaming about him, he always cheered me up. It seemed to me like it was alot more fun to just have a fictional ideal mate than someone real who can just disappoint you and break your heart. and this way, I didn't feel COMPLETELY alone, I still had someone in my imagination to occupy my thoughts and feelings. It seemed to be working for me.

But now, three years later, I am still into him, but it is a whole lot more serious and more of a problem now. Well, I don't think my feelings for him ever changed. I always felt like I was actually in LOVE with him, or I would call it 'in love AT' (since WITH implys you both share the feelings together, although ofcourse that was the case in my mind =P ). I always have been completely into him - sexually attracted, emotionally bonded, and I felt like we would make the cutest couple ever.

Anyway, the difference is, in the last year, especially recently, it just isn't as much FUN anymore. Instead I suffer with such pain and torment that we will NEVER be together, he isn't REAL, even though my feelings for him sure are, and I want so badly to be with him.... My mind is great but, its not the same as physically holding him, doing things with him, opening up to him.... I mean sure my mind can fill the blanks, but that might not be what the truth would be - so am I in actuality just in love with my own imagination?!

The problem stems from when, over time, you stop resisting your feelings from emerging even though the person isn't real. When emotions overcome logic, and so often that can happen, instead of you just feeling like 'well that would be perfect, but thats a fantasy', it turns into 'but I NEED him! Why is he just a fantasy?! I can't fall for anyone else!' It only adds to your hatred of reality and wishing you didn't live here, so I guess that's not such a great thing....

But, he still makes me smile alot, I mean, I totally enjoy loving him, he feels like exactly the right person for me, so I am not trying to get him out of my mind or do anything to 'fix' this. I just so greatly desire a way to be with him..... Loving someone is not enough when they can't give it back to you.

I feel like this fits the words of that song that I forget the title of. It goes:

"If it makes you happy....
It can't be that ba-aa-aad......
If it makes you happy.....
Then why the hell are you so sad?"

So then you just look up at the cosmos and wonder WHY??? Why do I invest my emotions into someone who can't appreciate it? What is this person supposed to represent in my life? Do I love him because he reminds me of a lover I had in a past life, or someone whome I'm supposed to look for in this one? Or is he more like a challenge - a temptation to escape from reality - that I'm supposed to overcome? I wish I knew...




This could be true, although, apparantely AS people aren't supposed to be so empathetic or caring of someone else or be able to express it. This is for the most part true for me, but, like you said, combine AS with being female, and maybe you have the romance and the need to love but with the obsession backing it up too, and you have someone who just doesn't know when to give up, even if you knew it was a lost cause in the first place.

It's interesting how emotions and logic are two completely seperate entities. Emotions almost have a mind of their OWN, wanting to control you or something...



Finally, I'll add what someone else mentioned: That the obsession, if its strong enough, it might weaken when you find yourself interested in someone real you might be able to have. In fact, I had a boyfriend online, and he knew about my fictional love from the get go (its how we met, he was actually trying to hook me up with a friend of his who is similar). I never lost feelings for that fictional guy, but, it lessened. Then ofcourse my ex turned out to be a total creep, cheating on me, and whatnot, and he totally shattered me. Overtime, I found myself falling stronger and stronger for the fictional guy again, and clinging onto him even more tightly - because I took a risk, and I was right, real love just hurts when it doesn't work, so I felt like, may as well just stick with someone who will never hurt me....

He ofcourse will never actually be real enough to turn me down and hurt me, but he is real enough for me to care about him so deeply that the fact that I can't ever have him is the aspect of loving him that really stings.

The solution? Beats me, I'm still dealing with it. I guess the solution is to get a swift kick in the ass of a reality check - one that makes you fall in love with someone real, and they feel the same. But until or if that doesn't happen, you will have hopeless obsessions, so here's hoping that can be for the most part enjoyable for you.




And sorry for the long long post. I'm assuming this is an AS thing too, cause I've seen a few other people do this as well.

Canadian or American Males don't seem to get this one. I should have been born in England.

I'm chiming in on this one kind of late but from my own experience I've always been a very emotionally vivid guy and in the past unfortunately that was also very true when it came to women I had crushes on. I don't know if it was just the fact that my parents raised me to think this was some kind of of metaphysical world filled with some strange thing called 'people' which were somehow completely detatched from the other animals on their planet and only the few bad seed 'people' didn't live by their good morals and that they didn't matter. They completely left out natural law and the rest of it, that had a lot to do I think with me being way oversensitive back then and a lot of actually getting over that emotional hypersensitivity was deliberately hammering on myself, taking all the criticisms I'd gotten from certain ultra-macho relatives and the such and really hard-talking myself (I had other ways too but mostly giving myself the Alanso from Training Day grilling about being weak, being a spineless b----, etc.). On one hand, of course, going through the emotional withdrawl of that slam down on me from going from the highest point I've ever had in my life (arround 20), struggling against what I thought I could change but couldn't, slowly realizing that most people weren't just dicks because they didn't understand the world arround them properly - it was a position of strength and they preferred it, all the way to the last year or so of realizing that this is the way things really are supposed to be based on what we are, all that crammed into about 5 or 6 years has taken me to a place where I'm finding out that everything that made me feel so compelled to have certain things (like relationships) or any amount of diserving I felt I might have had - all fictitious self-delusion.

I guess where I'm going with all that is the s***ier you realize this world is, the more you realize we're monkeys and that's all we'll ever amount to as an overall race, the more you realize that the dating scene is natures eugenic hand and that pure arean makes right - it stops hurting so much because all the fantasies get completely blown away. Also, having lots of NT friends who have the same kinds of difficulties pretty persistently with the relationship world - even though they're getting out there and actually dating - its starting to go to show that whether your a guy or girl, the opposit sex tends to be rather narrow minded and there's only a few archetypes of looks and/or personality they'll want. You don't even need to be ugly, have a crap personality, or anything like that to be stuck on the outside either - just dare to be yourself and not live in the shadow of other people's illusions. Lol, and just to prove I don't care, like I always do - I share my emotions and thoughts, the only thing that would make it all a complete suicide of sexual attraction for any woman who reads is by me getting obesquious or clingy on anyone who reads this and comments back....rofl....thank god I killed that habit years ago...

Try and see their flaws. You may be infatuated because you're looking at them from an idealised point of view or as if they are wonderful... and no one person is wonderful... everyone has flaws and personality traits that are not good, etc.etc. It's simply being human. Everyone does.

So rather than see how they always smile or they seem so friendly or warm or they accept everyone etc., etc., see them as human and know that there will be another person just as nice later in your life too. The person may even sense your idealising them and be uncomfortable about it and withdraw, as no one likes being on a pedestal. You can only fall off it! And the fall hurts

So see them as flawed for both your sakes... it will lessen the intensity of your feelings, if what is going on, is a type of projection (turning them into your ideal).

I don't know if that will help you but it might work!