Aspie men and (lack of) relationships - our struggles

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Joined: 4 May 2010
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06 Nov 2010, 10:42 pm

Sparx139 wrote:

There's nothing logical about what attracts one person to another - no nicely defined little set of criteria that makes someone attractive or unattractive.

What one person likes, another doesn't. There's no clear-cut good or bad, which sucks for us but that's the reality. One example is the "ask before I kiss you" thing that was brought up either here or somewhere else, which might be sweet to one person but will kill the mood for the other person. Each person is different. Don't loose hope because you don't fit in with one crowd.

I think this is part of my problem. Attraction is not logical so I have a very hard time understanding it. I heard different theories & suggestions from people & I get confused because it's all very inconsistent. I become attracted to most anyone who is nice after a while & I don't understand why women aren't attracted to me even thou I may meet every criteria on their check-list.

Sparx139 wrote:

This is true. Also, I think that it's safe to say that poor self-esteem is never good for relationships. It leads to people being 'clingy' and if it all falls apart then it makes it that much harder to move on.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being clingy. I much prefer clingy women. I think the problem is that clingy people do not get in relationship with people who are also clingy. I would be much better with a partner who has low self-esteem & is clingy because we can both relate to each other, we would both like spending a lot of time with each other & we would both like having lots of deep talks about things. I would probably become less clingy after a while & have more self-esteem if I had a partner who made me feel loved & useful instead of being alone because I'm to clingy or being with someone who gets annoyed with me for wanting to spend time with her. If I will have to be independent & not be able to spend much time with my partner; what's the point in having a relationship :?:

I wish I knew where to meet codependent women; they might would appreciate things about me that most any independent women would avoid.

Sparx139 wrote:

All you can do is stay true to who you are. Eventually you'll meet someone who matches you.

I agree with staying true to myself but I highly doubt that I'll be able to find someone who will like me for me

Sparx139
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07 Nov 2010, 12:16 am

Quote:

I don't think there is anything wrong with being clingy. I much prefer clingy women. I think the problem is that clingy people do not get in relationship with people who are also clingy.

To clarify what I meant, I mean where one person is too attached for the other. Once again, this varies from person to person.

Low self esteem can be very bad. More specifically then potentially damaging the relationship, I also meant the kind of people who are either joyous or depressed based on if they have a girlfriend or not. It's not healthy, and my guess is it isn't all that attractive either.

Quote:

I would probably become less clingy after a while & have more self-esteem if I had a partner who made me feel loved & useful instead of being alone because I'm to clingy or being with someone who gets annoyed with me for wanting to spend time with her

I guess what I'm trying to say is a warning that your self esteem shouldn't be tied up with someone else. If something goes wrong, then there's a world of problems that get opened up, not only just the expected sadness that a relationship is over.

I know, it's a cruel cycle - to get a relationship, you need self esteem. To get self esteem, you need a relationship.

Quote:

I agree with staying true to myself but I highly doubt that I'll be able to find someone who will like me for me

Perhaps you could try to find more about yourself that you find positive? It's not good to base your self worth on others.

But then again, this advice is coming from a guy sitting in an armchair who probably has far less experience then you (I'm almost 10 years your junior, going off of age on your profile). It may or may not be useful, but it's something to think about if you haven't already done it.

nick007
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07 Nov 2010, 12:49 am

Sparx139 wrote:

Quote:

I don't think there is anything wrong with being clingy. I much prefer clingy women. I think the problem is that clingy people do not get in relationship with people who are also clingy.

Quote:

I agree with staying true to myself but I highly doubt that I'll be able to find someone who will like me for me

I do understand your points but I do not agree with em. I doubt I've had much more experience than you. I only had one relationship & that was years ago but in the beginning of that we both had major self-esteem issues but we helped & supported each other with our issues. We both became better more independent people because of each other

katzefrau
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07 Nov 2010, 1:49 am

i'm female but i really wanted to read this.

thank you guys for this:

ToadOfSteel wrote:

^I thought I said no blame games...

and this:

emlion wrote:

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Again, I say: all your credibility went out the window when you linked that hatemongering site. Blaming others is not welcome in this thread. There are plenty of other threads on L&D for you to broadcast your message to...

+1.

.. but i still can't get through this thread. i do actually care what you are going through, and i think i could learn from it, but a few very loud hateful voices always prevent me from being able to engage with it.

i don't know what the solution is, but the whole thing really saddens me.

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Sparx139
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07 Nov 2010, 2:32 am

Quote:

in the beginning of that we both had major self-esteem issues but we helped & supported each other with our issues. We both became better more independent people because of each other

I've never thought of it like that. Thanks for the fresh perspective.

Quote:

Perfectly understandable. They seem to drop out pretty quickly after the point that you quoted, if you wanted to have another shot at it.

Quote:

i don't know what the solution is, but the whole thing really saddens me.

I think that the point of this thread is that there is no solution to fit everybody - that it's different for everybody. We all need to own our own individual problems, rather than passing the blame onto someone else or making sweeping generalizations that absolve us of any fault.

I like to think less sad and more reflective, with a hope that we can change - we can try and improve if we know what our problem is, which is the real positive out of it. And also, it's refreshing to see a thread where people are looking at themselves rather than others in terms of why things haven't worked out in the past

The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Nov 2010, 3:15 am

katzefrau, there was just one loud hateful voice.

Don't be so judgemental.

ZakFiend
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07 Nov 2010, 3:50 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

katzefrau, there was just one loud hateful voice.

Don't be so judgemental.

There was no loud hateful voice, you people are just oversensitive. There is a huge difference. People here tend to believe things for social reasons (morality), not logical ones (science). They tend to be rigid in their views and cannot accept that there are other points of view that are valid criticisms of Politically correct stuff that many people are raised on.

There is plenty of literature beyond what I linked to back up what I said, only the unlearned say otherwise and WP is filled with unlearned types of people, who argue for the sake of arguing.

katzefrau
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07 Nov 2010, 3:55 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

katzefrau, there was just one loud hateful voice.

Don't be so judgemental.

i don't consider myself especially judgmental, nor do i place any value on your opinion of me.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Nov 2010, 4:04 am

ZakFiend wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

katzefrau, there was just one loud hateful voice.

Don't be so judgemental.

Ok, open your thread about all this. This thread is only for our own flaws , not society's flaws.

The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Nov 2010, 4:10 am

katzefrau wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

katzefrau, there was just one loud hateful voice.

Don't be so judgemental.

i don't consider myself especially judgmental, nor do i place any value on your opinion of me.

he, nor I care about your reaction.

When you say "i still can't get through this thread" and "but a few very loud hateful voices always prevent me from being able to engage with it. , you're making it sound as if this thread is full of women-hater guys insulting women , which is totally not the case here . Forget about Zak's posts and try to read better this thread and you're realize how wrong your judgement was. There was actually one hateful loud voice.

If you still can't get through this thread , then just don't ever engage with it.

ToadOfSteel
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07 Nov 2010, 7:19 am

ZakFiend wrote:

People here tend to believe things for social reasons (morality), not logical ones (science). They tend to be rigid in their views and cannot accept that there are other points of view that are valid criticisms of Politically correct stuff that many people are raised on.

Way to describe yourself... you for one seem particularly rigid and cannot accept our points of view. If you notice, none of us are telling you to change your beliefs, we're just telling you to start your own thread instead of constantly going off-topic in this one.

Oh, and on a side note: I did a bit of browsing through your site, and came across one particular gem (link) that claims the peer review process (the foundation for modern scientific research) is subverted by a feminist agenda. How then can you, the party that claims infallibility on the topic, claim to be objective in your findings?

Quote:

There is plenty of literature beyond what I linked to back up what I said, only the unlearned say otherwise and WP is filled with unlearned types of people, who argue for the sake of arguing.

There's also plenty of literature that says human beings are social creatures, and need a certain amount of social interaction and affection to function properly. Those that are deficient develop improperly...

In other words:

katzefrau
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07 Nov 2010, 11:28 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

you're making it sound as if this thread is full of women-hater guys insulting women

that's not what i said nor what i meant, Boo. if you need to continue on about this, PM me.
sorry for derailing the thread, guys, with this nonsense.

i hope i'll come back and have something more constructive, on topic, to add. but to explain:

there's a trend among a few - and i mean a few - men here to shout "man-hating feminist" anytime a woman objects to an objectionable post by a man in regards to women. i think generally that's lazy, misinformed and dismissive. i object to offensive statements because i am a woman and so have a hard time tolerating the insults and because someone should, and i'll step into the piranha tank if i think someone might think about what i've said or appreciate the effort. it pisses some of you off, but i can't help it. it's what i think is right.

i know full well and appreciate that most of the guys here and on this topic specifically are respectful toward women.

let me rephrase the point i was trying to make. sometimes people make solid efforts to ignite peaceful conversations about people's relationship-related problems, even going so far as to request positivity in the OP and tactfully reprimand people who disregard the request. and someone always sneaks in and throws some sh*t.

who's read The Catcher in the Rye?
every time you think you've found a nice peaceful place, someone comes along and writes ...

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ZakFiend
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07 Nov 2010, 11:47 pm

Women Killing Male Babies to Stop War

http://dalje.com/en-world/women-killing ... war/209632

I could digg up tonnes more evidence but the scientific illiteracy here is not worth fighting.

Sparx139
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08 Nov 2010, 1:55 am

ZakFeind, you aren't helping and are just de-railing a great thread. I'm not willing to get into an argument with you, so lets just say that we're all as uninformed and stupid as you say.

If the general reaction to your post is anything to go by, we don't want to be informed.
If I want to believe that the world was created in 7 days, then that's my business. If a bunch of people who believe this get together and want to talk about how the world was created in 7 days, you aren't going to be able to drag us out of the dark ages - all that you'll do is annoy us and further cement our beliefs in the idea that the world was created in 7 days.

So please leave us in peace. We don't want to be told the truth, and it will only cause us to disagree more

(To any 7-day creationists reading this thread, I mean this as an example, not to drag this tread off-topic. Personally I neither know nor care how old the earth is. Please don't further derail this thing.)

@ToadOfSteel:

That picture made my day :lol:

And also, I was re-reading the rest of this thread to try and get my head around what ZakFiend was trying to argue, and picked out this gem on page 3:

Quote:

So the ignorant people here need a course in anthropology before they start with all the inflammatory remarks.

Anyone else see the irony here?

EDIT:

"Dead flies make a perfumer's oil stink, so a little foolishness is weightier than wisdom and honor." -Ecclesiastes 10:1

Hooray. What was a great thread has been spoiled by a single poster. Way to go, Zak

The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Nov 2010, 6:22 am

ZakFiend wrote:

Women Killing Male Babies to Stop War

http://dalje.com/en-world/women-killing ... war/209632

I could digg up tonnes more evidence but the scientific illiteracy here is not worth fighting.

In China, some farmers are killing female babies.

So?

hyperlexian
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08 Nov 2010, 9:00 am

ZakFiend wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

katzefrau, there was just one loud hateful voice.

Don't be so judgemental.

your ignorance is showing again.

trying to twist the literature to prove your own agenda is not exactly scholarly.

last i checked, all you have proved so far is that in egalitarian, non-polygynous societies, men are healthier and living longer... so things are improving in modern society. i also noticed that in the nations with the highest rates of gender equality, there is the lowest gap between male and female life expectancy. so with women's rights and better socioeconomic policies, everyone wins. yay for us!

nice try with all that silliness though!

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