Am I really THAT bad?

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Being bipolar is 'creepy'?

Last edited by Volodja on 11 Dec 2010, 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The thing is, people do make assumptions. What you've written in your profile may be the real you. However, if they are getting impressions from it that you don't intend, then people reading your profile will make assumptions about your personality that won't pan up to reality when they meet you in real life. If you know what those assumptions might be, then maybe it would be better to add more to your profile to set the record straight.

Point taken, sounds completely reasonable.

But please explain why no one can actually point to anything potentially misleading in my profile?

I would be happy to change/clarify anything, but as it stands it is a very honest, accurate, direct, straightforward description of who I am and what I'm looking for.

Also, it is easy to ignore the fact that as a man, I am initiating all the contacts, no one I've actually dated contacted me first, and of course I look for compatibility there as well. Here's a snippet from the profile of my next confirmed date:

"...Nowadays I am content staying at home and taking it easy, as well as trotting around the globe in search of new adventures..."

I could add more, but I can categorically state that this woman does not describe herself as a dim-witted party girl with hundreds of shallow friends...

Can't anyone actually suggest something, I think it would help every guy here if we could find the right balance in describing our "quirks"...

Point taken, sounds completely reasonable.

But please explain why no one can actually point to anything potentially misleading in my profile?

I would be happy to change/clarify anything, but as it stands it is a very honest, accurate, direct, straightforward description of who I am and what I'm looking for.

Also, it is easy to ignore the fact that as a man, I am initiating all the contacts, no one I've actually dated contacted me first, and of course I look for compatibility there as well. Here's a snippet from the profile of my next confirmed date:

"...Nowadays I am content staying at home and taking it easy, as well as trotting around the globe in search of new adventures..."

I could add more, but I can categorically state that this woman does not describe herself as a dim-witted party girl with hundreds of shallow friends...

Can't anyone actually suggest something, I think it would help every guy here if we could find the right balance in describing our "quirks"...

okay, so i checked out your profile. there is a discrepancy in where potential matches should be located. under I'm looking for, you say "Located anywhere". but under You should message me if, you say "I intend to move to civilization early next year (probably the Hollywood area), so I am mostly interested in someone near that area." so it gives a mixed message about location.

i've never met you in person so i have no idea if your profile matches your in-person self. but i can tell you the impression that the profile gives:

wealthy, adventurer, rugged individualist, edgy tastes, rich, explorer, open to try anything once, active, lots of money, charming, self-effacing, full of energy, independent, carefree, big bank account.

i think your profile would attract very active women who want adventure, and who always want to be out and about doing crazy stuff. it would also attract golddiggers. it wasn't just the income level and the self-made parts that point to large quantities of moolah, but also the multiple references to traveling.


i actually made a profile myself to see how well i match with people on WP and other people who i know, and you and i are a 74% match, which suprises me because Jono and i have only a 50% match and we probably disagree about as much as you and i do. weird stuff. across the whole world i match best with neo-hippie types who live in communes or off-the-grid. gotta say it's interesting.

I finally went to your okcupid profile to see what expectations it might be creating in womens' minds that would be dashed once they met you. What you describe does seem to be that women arrange to meet you based on an expectation they form after reading your profile and the mismatch with how they perceive you in person is so great that it ends right there.


Here is the impression I got reading your profile: that you are very adventurous and always on the go. You like excitement and are always chasing the next international thrill. You seem like a globe trekking adrenaline junkie from that profile. The long list of punk bands combined with your age hints at a youth spent in mosh pits being very physical.


So what is destroying that impression when they meet you? Absent video, I just have to guess from your descriptions. It seems like you probably don't have much facial mobility and really don't move around much physically in person either. If your body language is inert and immobile, that is going to make the wild adventurer described in the profile sound like bs. A woman sitting across from you might think, "This staring lump trekked through Transylvania? Ha! It's probably just something he saw on the Travel Channel."

Somehow you have to prepare a woman for the mismatch between the globe trotting adventurer in the profile and your somewhat dolorous in person persona. "The first thing that people notice about me is my intriguingly introspective expression" just isn't enough. You need an actual disclaimer along the lines of "don't let my quiet demeanor fool you. I may look and act shy but I have crossed continents with this shy face and want to do it again with you" or something along those lines. She has to be prepared for how unsmiling and unanimated you are or she will think it was all Travel Channel fantasy.

I don't know what okcupid allows you to include as photos. If you are in any way allowed to post additional photos or link to additional photos it might be a good idea to have some photographic evidence of you being adventurous and going around the globe.

First of all, thank you so much for the advice, deeply appreciated.

As for the location thing, I really am interested in someone from anywhere, but I just wanted to make it clear that even though I live in Orange County right now, I am moving to LA soon, and some women are only interested in dating locals. I will tweak the wording to make that more clear.

I really didn't realize how strongly $ was emphasized in my profile. Although it is literally true that I have a very good income, I certainly don't want that emphasized, I will definitely tone it down, except for the travel part, it's not like I travel 1st class and stay at 5-star hotels!

I'm not really sure how seriously to take the "match" %, but it actually seems to be pretty accurate so far. I've never had a "God 'n Guns" Republican show up in a search even though they make up 1/2 the US population...

OK, I've toned down the part about the dough and took a stab at managing expectations due to my AS.

Still a work in progress, but I deeply appreciate any constructive criticism

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Lost-in-OC

No, the answer is not #1. The answer is: your profile does not accurately describe the person you are, and therefore sets an expectation that you can't live up to; and the "distorted" perception NTs have of you is reality. The way NTs perceive you may not be the way you feel inside, but it is what you are projecting. Yes, that projection is largely influenced by Asperger's, but how are they supposed to know that? The disconnect is between what you feel internally and what shows on your face and the inflection in your voice. These women are not responsible for that disconnect, so stop blaming them.

As to the subject of ignorance - yes, they are ignorant. Now exactly who do you think is supposed to educate them about your disability?


@Janissy and @hyperlexian got very much the same impression of you from your profile that I did. I gave you relevant feedback a while ago, but of course, you ignored me. You "deeply appreciate any constructive criticism?" Fail. I've given you constructive criticism as an NT woman, as someone who dated you, and someone who knows you better that anyone on this board. I draw the line at punching up the online dating profile of an ex who talks smack about me and treats me like shiz, but no - you've shown no appreciation for help you've been given, and clearly don't deserve.

no one on this forum wants real help, they just want to be coddled and pitied
9 times out of 10 its just fishing for pity and they will ignore all negative comments they receive
they only say they want constructive criticism to merely seem nice and genuine

I am just jealous this dude makes 150k-200k WITHOUT a four year degree


Why can't I do that? Why should I have to be in college right now? I freaking hate college.


Just saw your profile and realized you were like 44......I would be a bit more flexible with your dating pool at this point man.

Excuse me, what negative comments have I ignored? I have actually made extensive revisions of my profile based on the contructive criticism I've received here.

And yes, I look to this forum for support (not pity). Overcoming the challenges of AS is extremely difficult and encouragement from my peers helps to give me the determination to keep trying, and I try to give as much as I get.

But mostly I post this stuff to try and help the other guys here benefit from my experience, so hopefully they can learn from my mistakes/sucesses and get where they want to be too.

It beats the hell out of sitting on the sidelines telling everybody they suck, sound familiar?

Yeah....I keep trying to reach that 10% who's really looking for answers.

Well, there's mine...and @billsmithglendale.....aw heck, why don't you just look at every post in this thread you didn't respond to?

Believe me, if I had to do it all over again I would definitely had gotten a 4 year degree, I would be WAY ahead of where I am now. Just hang in there and get it, doesn't even really matter what you major in. It will make things MUCH easier, trust me...

About my age, I've had no trouble finding attractive women in my age group to pursue, I'm not out chasing 20 year olds.

I took a look at your profile - what I can say is that the way you present yourself there and the way you come across here are very different. Also, your profile will make people expect an easy/out-going, full of life, adventurous, self-sufficient man. If there's a similar discrepancy between these expectations (that you created yourself) and the way you act in person, no one will agree to a second date. They'll think you've deceived them and assume you're lying about everything else.