Question to the women in here

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When I die I want to be awake and aware. Preferably fighting.

The idea of just expiring and not really knowing I died horrifies me. My greatest fear is dying in my sleep. I want to know that I have ceased to exist. The idea of going to sleep and just ceasing to exist without any knowledge of that fact horrifies me on a very primal level.

But, why waste a perfectly good suicidal streak not having any fun? Why not just pick the craziest damned thing you can think of and go do it? Keep doing crazy things until one of them kills you.

First of all, your priorities are misplaced. From what you posted in this topic (and all the other similar posts you do almost every day here on WP), it's very obvious that your real problem is self-esteem. I think there are three things you should improve:

1 - Hygiene: you are always saying how ugly and dirty you are. Everyone here tells you to take care of your personal hygiene. You ignore their advice and keep complaining about how ugly and dirty you are. Hell, just take a goddamn shower and you''l look and feel better. Right now, this should be your number one priority. Even pigs and ants like to bathe: why should people be any different?

2 - Employment: once you take care of your hygiene, you'll increase your chances of getting a job. Since you are uneducated, you should apply for menial jobs like grocery stores, fast food restaurants, factories and so on. Yeah, they are boring as hell, but you'll be surprised to see the wonders a job does to your self-esteem. My first job (office boy) helped me to get out of a situation kind of like yours (I was depressed and spent most of the day playing video games). My second job, at a grocery store, required me to work with other people, which eventually helped me make some friends.

3 - Education: if you intend to get out of the menial jobs, you'll need a higher education. Unfortunately, poor people like us have to do things the hard way. I'm studying right now (thanks to that grocery store job: I really wanted to quit and, as a result, got back to study to get a better job. Which I got: I'm now working at a bank). I chose accounting, which is a subject I really like. I still hate school (they never teach things at the rate I learn and they love to spend time on pointless works which won't ever be useful in "real" life), but the pros outweigh the cons.

I'll be honest with you: I'm still socially inept and, despite my fairly good looks, I don't see myself dating anytime soon. But I have improved a lot since my old basement-dwelling days. Learn to love yourself before expecting others to love you.

(God, that sounded like a line from a self-help book).

How am I different? Someone answer this question. How am I different from the majority of the people in family. Only a handful of them graduated from HS and even less that attended college.

My dad was a HS dropout and a crackhead. My mom is a schizophrenic, and she also dropped out of HS.

Most of my other relatives are poor, uneducated, drug addicted bums that survive off welfare and donation houses

In the past I was somehow deluded into thinking that was somewhat different from them. but it wasn't true. I'm not special. I'm pretty much the same as all of them, accept for drug use.

People do escape that kind of world. Ive known a few. They get the "not for me" bug and it shoots them in the other direction. You'll either develop that or you won't.