Everyone's stories really resonated with me. Especially the internal feeling of being wrong, deformed, or just plain crazy. In high school, I pretty much had a complete psychotic break and was hospitalized a couple times. No one told me what was wrong with me, and I never opened up because I figured --why, I'm just a seriously disturbed person.
I finally got the nerve to bring it up and ask about it maybe ten years later, when my son started having issues in school. Following a round of panic attacks and medication, I at least had a framework to put myself in.
Another ten years down the road, and I find myself wanting to make friends but being so guarded with myself that I completely wall off people. I am married, but both my husband and myself are pretty much two peas in a pod in that regard.
I'm just starting to be able to drop my guard and open up somewhat but there's still that crushing fear of being judged or rejected. Especially, knowing that when I do I know I start flapping, pacing, and not responding facially in a normal(NT) manner.
I know it's just about accepting who I am, but I think it's going to be a long process. It's really nice to hear everyone's stories though, to know someone else has been there.
09 Feb 2012, 3:32 am
