Every girl I ask out "already has a boyfriend."

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MXH
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28 Feb 2012, 4:46 pm

You guys do understand that no matter how much you discuss your opinions against others they are all simply opinions.

hale_bopp
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28 Feb 2012, 4:46 pm

Erisad wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:

Erisad wrote:

Tom5 wrote:

If you are extremely horny like me but not so attractive-looking then you just need to lower your standards.

Go for less attractive girls, you have nothing really to lose because we only live once.

Right, because attractiveness is the only feature worth judging a woman on. "All the hot chicks are taken, so you'll do." Sorry, this mentality really pisses me off. Then you have an insecure girl who thinks you're only with her because that's all you can get but as soon as a hotter chick rolls around, you'll drop the "less attractive" girl like a rock won't you? :roll:

I agree, I don't think many women would feel very flattered or appreciated if he is treating or viewing them like they are accessories, stepping stones or sexual objects.

However this is a very sensitive topic and perhaps he worded it wrong, maybe he has a point by saying that people can aim out of their league and that's why they lack success in dating.

Yeah but it's rather insulting to imply that the only thing that define's a woman's "league" is how she looks. For men it's a variety of things, intelligence, humor, social skills, what job he has. Nope, doesn't matter if a woman has all those other things if she isn't pretty. :roll:

You're 100% correct.

hale_bopp
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28 Feb 2012, 4:49 pm

noname_ever wrote:

Erisad wrote:

Tom5 wrote:

If you are extremely horny like me but not so attractive-looking then you just need to lower your standards.

Go for less attractive girls, you have nothing really to lose because we only live once.

Dropping her like a rock would require him not to be happy with her. Most men I know in relationships are relatively lazy with respect to moving up relationships and it's not worth the time or risk.

"I'm with you because I can't be bothered wasting my time trying to find someone better, or risk losing my back up plan"
Really romantic. It's no wonder so many women are insecure about their looks.

MXH
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28 Feb 2012, 4:50 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

Erisad wrote:

You're 100% correct.

Yep, its insulting. But you cant turn around and blame men for every society related problem. Maybe if you start blaming the women that promote those things you might actually get something positive done instead of just a pissing match.

fraac
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28 Feb 2012, 5:06 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

fraac wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

Very normal girls are usually out of a weird guys league.

Just saying.

The hottest girls aren't very normal. Only very beautiful girls have wanted anything to do with me. (Some people don't understand that but it's because they're beautiful - it makes sense when you think about it.)

That isn't what I said. I said Normal girls are out of a weird guy's league, not beautiful girls.

Oh. Good point then.

noname_ever
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28 Feb 2012, 6:02 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

noname_ever wrote:

Erisad wrote:

Tom5 wrote:

If you are extremely horny like me but not so attractive-looking then you just need to lower your standards.

Go for less attractive girls, you have nothing really to lose because we only live once.

Dropping her like a rock would require him not to be happy with her. Most men I know in relationships are relatively lazy with respect to moving up relationships and it's not worth the time or risk.

"I'm with you because I can't be bothered wasting my time trying to find someone better, or risk losing my back up plan"
Really romantic. It's no wonder so many women are insecure about their looks.

Most people aren't stupid enough to say that out loud. Women do this as well. It's like saying that "you're better than nothing or my hand".

CrazyStarlightRedux
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28 Feb 2012, 6:14 pm

Tequila wrote:

Why don't you just try talking to women on here? Have long conversations with them. Build up 'practice' (although don't think of it like that or tell the person you're talking to that it is). Be honest with them.

I wish you the best of luck.

Pretty much this.

Although I advice to enjoy life first before thinking about the woman.

I see many advantages over being with someone anyway.

Pengu1n
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28 Feb 2012, 6:14 pm

lightening wrote:

Wolfheart wrote:
Pengu1n wrote:

I just don't understand why it has to be this way for me, and why my straits are so dire in the romance department. It sucks so bad as I just can't "make it happen" with any girl for some reason. I can elaborate more, but for the sake of brevity, I'll wrap it up here and respond or elaborate if anybody has any thoughts on this for me.

Four girls? You say four and you're complaining about rejection? That's defeatist talk and you know it. It's about being able to create a good first impression to get a foot in the door, once you do, you can worry about maintaining relationships and the other stuff, you might be bad at relationships to begin with but that's just life, you'll learn from those experiences and grow as a person but don't worry about that at the moment.

Slow down, you're trying to run before you can walk. The only concern you should be worried about is creating a first impression, a good one, that will get a foot in the door with everything.

Seriously you're not approaching enough, you need to get out there and start approaching more people, In fact, talk to everyone, old people, people in the store, people on the bus, just start talking to people so you feel more comfortable socializing and build your skills in it.

Honestly I can't stand this kind of advice. If not for the fact thats its been said before millions of times, its almost the same as "GET CONFIDENCE". There is a reason why somebody like the OP or me doesn't go talking to random people out of the blue just for the hell for it. Not only is there nothing to say most of the time, it just isn't natural. I'm sick having to "force" myself to do this and do that. Sick of pretending.

When I leave the house and go to supermarkets, banks, even schools, downtown, etc I observe. I see most of the time, most people mind their own business. I don't see random people chatting up other random people just for the hell of it. Very rarely do I actually see this. And if it is happening its just a couple sentences and a joke and then that is the interaction and its over. If I saw more people doing that, I would have a better idea about how to do it.

To just go and start talking to random people everywhere you go sounds like a very bad idea. Not only are you going to look like a fool and not a confident person, you are going to realize that you look like a fool and its going to cause you further shut yourself off. Not to mention there are always some douche turd who takes a completely harmless thing you said and turns it around against you, causing further social embarrassment.

Maybe it worked for you, and that I can respect. Maybe you already had a decent social circle to build your foundations upon, and that gave you some initial confidence to talk to other people.

My guess is that OP really does want guy friends. He just really wants a girlfriend first because it is nagging away at him for so long.

^ +1 to that. Frankly, I also hate the idea of randomly going up and soliciting people for "practice." It is just especially all wrong for me. I could see if I already had at least a nascent and small social circle on which to build by doing this, but its just not a possibility for me............ I don't see ANYBODY else ever do this any time i'm ever in public. How would it ever be "natural?" Lightning is right......... its just completely odd to run up to people and try and engage them for a prolonged chat, even if you are "practicing."

I guess the thing that eats at me is that I see lots of people who have "incomplete" lives who are still in good relationships. I don't see why the fact that I don't have a real social facet of my life should be that bad as to prevent me from having happiness? I think only a small percentage of people are "complete," to where they are totally well rounded (physically, socially, mentally, emotionally, professionally, spiritually, etc.) Its not like everybody has all of these things in their lives, but yet most people can still find a good relationship and be accepted despite things they lack as a human.

I just don't see why its that bad that even if I'm just behind in the social component; why is this such a handicap? I mean, you see people who perhaps physically aren't in the best of shape, but they get dates? So how come lagging socially is such a crushing killer? You would think I could still get a few dates even if I wasn't "perfect" in my delivery...... that someone would give me a chance.

I also would like guy friends, but I just never had that social circle for which to even build on going in to adulthood. I would not even know where to go look for friends of either gender tbh. If I had been able to do this when I was young and there were opportunities in public school, I might have had that foundation, but its just all hopeless.

Last edited by Pengu1n on 28 Feb 2012, 6:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

hyperlexian
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28 Feb 2012, 6:16 pm

you ask for help, then reject that help - even after your own way didn't work.

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Pengu1n
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28 Feb 2012, 6:24 pm

^ Yeah, but I'm damn sure not going to run up to everybody in the grocery store under the sun, and go through a song-and-dance routine just to practice conversation? How awful is that?

I UNDERSTAND what Wolfheart is suggesting, about practicing conversation. Its just total rubbish as when do you see anybody going up to people in a public place for a conversation? You NEVER see it. I'd look like even more of a drooling idiot just trying to chat with random people out of the blue.

Sorry, but its crap. Its abnormal.

I think WolfHeart is just higher-functioning than me. I can see his point if you already have some friends and a foundation for me to build around.......... for me to do it, its just creepy and stalkerish.

Also, I'm not rejecting you advice, Hyperlexian, so get off your high-horse and pedastal as I've tried to do the things you suggest, but some people clearly live in the clouds. Perhaps you project your own high-functioningness on to me, but I'm not like you. For me, its not like my AS traits are just "unique quirks" that might endear someone to me. Its really crap, and i can't just "do stuff," like "get confidence." Its easy for HFAs like you to say stuff like that, but I can't do stuff like that, especially when I would be the only one like a moron running around in a shopping center trying to accost people.

I frankly don't know what idealistic planet one might live on to where they think a plan like that would work, especially when you see NOONE ever do this. I agree that you usually see someone crack a joke here and there, but that is the end of it.

Trigas
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28 Feb 2012, 6:27 pm

Pengu1n wrote:

I personally took this route and began to improve my conversational skills by meeting strangers in public places. I find it helps you think on your feet a bit and is overall useful. As long as it's approached casually I don't see any harm in it.

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Pengu1n
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28 Feb 2012, 6:28 pm

I also have plenty of a "foundation" for conversation. I work, and its not like I sit in my basement all day and never interact with people. I get out all of the time, and I have to interact with people every day. I have a complete life in most other things except for socially. So its not like I have to go back to "social skills 101."

I'm very in-tune with the world. Its not a general total lack of experience in conversations. Its other stuff.

hyperlexian
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28 Feb 2012, 6:33 pm

i've had many, many people talk to me at random places - both women AND men. seriously - bus stops, stores, restaurants, shopping centres, grocery stores, carwash, etc. so Wolfheart is not talking nonsense.

i didn't say you were like me (not that you even know what i am like), but what we are saying to you is that you need to have some normal healthy friendships in order to learn to properly interact with others. also, it will help you to develop emotionally so that you are capable of sustaining a relationship with a girlfriend.

you seem to want for things to be different for you, but people aren't just going to make exceptions for your deficits - you have to either accept that your life will not change if you keep the status quo, or you will need to work on some social issues.

there is no age limit on making friends - people of any age can establish new relationships like that.

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Pengu1n
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28 Feb 2012, 6:41 pm

^ I agree with all you say, I still just feel like becoming hyper-social is just becoming something I'm not. Talking to dozens of people ever day is just not something I'm ever going to do. I'm willing to practice talking to more people (and i do already talk to many people in the course of my day.) Its just a deeper, almost subliminal awkwardness with me that almost puts a big "red flag" on me no matter who I talk to.

Its like I could talk to person after person, but I'd always just be a robot going through the motions, and no matter what girl I talk to, its like there would and will always be this "mark of cain" on me just from AS affecting my comportment.

CrazyStarlightRedux
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28 Feb 2012, 6:42 pm

You should try to get into Social Groups such as Bowling, Learnign an Instrument etc and see if you can talk to people and form a social circle...it won't work ALL the time, but your face will be familiar to others and if you really get into it, maybe some girls will take an interest in you.

Didn't work for me (I play in a band) but it could work for you.

mds_02
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28 Feb 2012, 6:51 pm

Pengu1n wrote:

Firstly, you don't know what other people's strengths and weaknesses are. To tell someone else here, who has managed to succeed at certain things, that those things must just come naturally to them invalidates all of the hard work they've put in and is a quite insulting.

Secondly, maybe you don't see it happen, but I see people strike up conversations with strangers all the time. How the hell else do you think people end up with friends and romantic partners in the first place? They were not born knowing these people.

And thirdly, yeah you probably will come across as odd at first if you start trying to have conversations with strangers. That is the whole point of practicing, that with experience you will get better at it. Socializing comes with the risk of being perceived poorly, there is no way around that. If you are not willing to take that risk, then you will never achieve your social goals.

You say you've tried those suggestions and they haven't worked for you. How much genuine effort did you put in? Going out once or twice and trying to start conversations isn't going to cut it. For me, when I decided to put in the effort to meet people, it was a matter of going out every day for months on end, trying to start conversations with people, before I started getting good enough at it to get positive reactions. And even longer before I was able to find people willing to spend extended amounts of time with me. I think most here would say it took them a comparable amount of time. Can you honestly say you've put in that level of effort? If not, then you really have no idea whether that advice will work for you or not.

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