Dating an aspie - when to kiss him?

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((( Berrygirl ))) - if hugs are allowed. (Do Aspie hugs look like this instead ))) (((?)

Very very sorry to hear what happened: you sound clearly very shaken indeed, and the analysis SpiritBloom offers (excellent though it is, really thoughtful) doesn't in any way negate the things you must be feeling at the moment.
I hope you feel able to work through this with him.
Best wishes.

Thanks guys, I need the hugs! And I feel like I can't really talk about it with my family or other friends because it is a complex situation. One friend gave me good avice and said to let him explain his behaviour but we haven't met yet and he doesn't seem to understand how hurtful it was. I hope we can work it out too.

Can I ask advice as to whether you would regard a nasty verbal outburst and a failure to recognise this was hurtful afterwards as excusable? A friend is warning me he might be an abusive person. I've never had reason to think that before, except there was an incident when in the middle of the night a girl in a nightclub started making fun of him and tried to pull his jacket off so hard that it got torn and he spat in her face (and subsequently got thrown out of course!). I felt sorry for him at the time, normally I would see this as violent behaviour but I guess I saw him as a victim in this particular situation. I'm just not sure how to approach this, I don't want to be a sucker but I do care about him. I suppose this isn't really relevant to the thread though!

BerryGirl, my Aspie has directed similarly cruel outbursts at me - under the most benign circumstances, in response to compliments, good news, or harmless questions. Each time I was shaken for weeks or months, because it was so painful, unwarranted, and inexplicable. I've known him for over 15 years, in many different contexts, so I know he's not physically (or verbally) abusive. He's my gentle giant, so why would he be so vicious? I came to understand that those were meltdowns, provoked mainly by his immediate situation, environment, circumstances, and mental state, that I could not possibly have anticipated or known about.

He recognizes that he needs to work on his anger, and I think he has. Even so, I'm much more careful to steer clear, give him plenty of space, and take care not to interrupt his routines (even though I don't know exactly what they are at the moment). I know the rage is not directed personally at me. It is not his intention to wound me. I interpret his meltdowns more like a flashing red engine light, roughly meaning "overload - not now." Nonetheless, his words cut like 1000 razor blades. I'd rather have no response or interaction at all, than be subjected to another meltdown.

I think many people misinterpret meltdowns as abuse. It's hard not to. I'd rather that he punch me in the face, than speak to me that way again. For now, my solution is to tread very lightly. I would NEVER surprise him in person - I don't even call him. Since I can't know if my timing is good or not, I always send a text, so he can read and respond (or not) on his own terms. If he doesn't respond, there's a reason for it, so I don't keep bugging him until he does.

As for your guy, spitting in someone's face is assault and battery. That's physical. That's not ok. He should be made aware of that, before he gets in trouble with the law, and learn some techniques to manage his stress and anger.

I'm afraid I have to agree with the comment before last. This isn't about him being an Aspie per se, but whether he is a potential abuser. I think you need to be clear in your mind about that now - it needs talking out in some depth. In my experience love itself isn't the issue in abusive relationships, that's why so many victims return to their abusers.

Don't be fobbed off by his stuff about 'just hanging out together' with nothing deeper in mind. It is extremely easy to drift deeper into relationships that start out as purely casual, and 'the right time' to talk about the 'big issues' never seems to present itself. He's either an OK bloke (aware that he has some issues revolving around handling anger, but facing up to them?), in which case proceed with caution, or else he's a thug, in which case you don't want to hang out with him for another moment!

I'm trying desperately to strike the right balance between your obvious care for him, and the possibility that you might be drifting into danger. (((Berrygirl))), with much sympathy for the situation you are in, and for the lack of a supportive family network with whom you can talk this stuff out. Don't stop posting here - I think this is a good setting in which to tease out what is OK and what is not in a relationship with an Aspie person.

Yeah, I'm waitng for him to get back in touch. It does seem very extreme to spit in a woman's face and shows a total lack of disrespect, even if she's assaulting you. He doesn't strike me as a thug as over the years I've known him he's always been very kind and sympathetic and he's very kind to anyone in trouble, but at the same time we've only been platonic friends until now. I'm just afraid there's a hidden side to him that's abusive, but it could just be down to people moving in on his personal space. Well, when you try to talk to people about sometihng like this they just tell you he sounds like a total weirdo and that you should dump him and I don't think my parents have ever heard of Asperger's.

As for the hanging out without intimacy, it seems it's not only an Aspie thing but he's uncomfortable with the fact it's only a little while since my relationship with the other guy ended in his view and he feels like he's not meeting his standards if we get into a full-blown relationship along with the fact he's not so comfortable with it. Yet he's always holding hands and spending time wiht me. I crossed the line without really meaning to because I expected things were heading that direction.

[quote="AspieOtaku"][/quote] I wish more NTs could be more like you Delphiki and Ilovemyaspie.


AWWW Thanks AspieOtaku!!

Well, he admitted what happened in the nightclub to me, I don't know about anything else. I know he had drunk a lot and would never normally go to a nightclub, some friends pressured him into doing it because it was his birthday. He's fine socially, not shy at all, he just hates those places and won't go to loud bars either. But I'm not trying to excuse the aggressive side of that particular meltdown. Well, he isn't getting in touch so as yet I have no update! The gut seems to be the most reliable in this case so we'll see what happens. In general he treats animals, children, disabled people and all those vulnerable in a gentle and kind way.