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How to use OKCupid (from an actual success story.)

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Geekonychus
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16 Oct 2013, 3:13 pm

smudge wrote:
Most people are unimaginative and only bother to see value in what they're expected to see it in. i.e. they have no depth. Personally I think being a bird watcher is neat...if bird watcher was what you meant. If you meant that you kept birds, that's also cool as long as you don't keep them in cages for extended periods of time. That's super cruel. My neighbours do that. They have parrots in a cage and *never* let them out. They don't have any room to spread their wings.

She has a cage. Both at home and at my girlfriends place. They are left open so she can hop around whenever anybodies home. They require a lot of attention so it's a shame when people get one then neglect it once the novelty of a bird wears off.



leafplant
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16 Oct 2013, 3:13 pm

^^ well..I don't think I am insecure but I do think I am misunderstood a lot. Probably partly my fault because I am not very good at communicating in the way normal people communicate - I am always contrary, I am direct and blunt to a fault. I can and do try not to be - but then that's no longer me.

So, when I ask someone a direct question and they get all funny and start behaving like I've asked them for a kidney transplant and this happens more than once - it then becomes apparent to me that if I were to stay 'myself' as it were, all it would happen is that I would keep getting this person's back up unless I behaved like someone else - someone who is not blunt, let's say.



leafplant
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16 Oct 2013, 3:16 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
smudge wrote:
Most people are unimaginative and only bother to see value in what they're expected to see it in. i.e. they have no depth. Personally I think being a bird watcher is neat...if bird watcher was what you meant. If you meant that you kept birds, that's also cool as long as you don't keep them in cages for extended periods of time. That's super cruel. My neighbours do that. They have parrots in a cage and *never* let them out. They don't have any room to spread their wings.

She has a cage. Both at home and at my girlfriends place. They are left open so she can hop around whenever anybodies home. They require a lot of attention so it's a shame when people get one then neglect it once the novelty of a bird wears off.


I got my Mother to buy me a budgie once. The bird kept accusing me of being a cruel jailer so I let it out into the room. Then it wouldn't go back into the cage when I had to put the rubbish on the balcony (I was 12 at the time, it didn't occur to me NOT to put the rubbish out that one time). The bird just b lined for the great outdoors. I can only hope it lasted at least until winter..



TeaEarlGreyHot
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16 Oct 2013, 3:23 pm

leafplant wrote:
^^ well..I don't think I am insecure but I do think I am misunderstood a lot. Probably partly my fault because I am not very good at communicating in the way normal people communicate - I am always contrary, I am direct and blunt to a fault. I can and do try not to be - but then that's no longer me.

So, when I ask someone a direct question and they get all funny and start behaving like I've asked them for a kidney transplant and this happens more than once - it then becomes apparent to me that if I were to stay 'myself' as it were, all it would happen is that I would keep getting this person's back up unless I behaved like someone else - someone who is not blunt, let's say.


There are small ways in which you can improve yourself, which is not to be confused with being fake. Learning some tact or learning to filter what you say would be one of them.

I'm a rather direct person myself, and tend to be overly blunt at times. I know this can upset people needlessly, so I have been working on tact and filters. This doesn't change the core of who I am, it's merely learning how to better interact with other people, something we all need to do if we want to have any lasting friendships and the like.


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octobertiger
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16 Oct 2013, 3:27 pm

leafplant wrote:
^^ well..I don't think I am insecure but I do think I am misunderstood a lot. Probably partly my fault because I am not very good at communicating in the way normal people communicate - I am always contrary, I am direct and blunt to a fault. I can and do try not to be - but then that's no longer me.

So, when I ask someone a direct question and they get all funny and start behaving like I've asked them for a kidney transplant and this happens more than once - it then becomes apparent to me that if I were to stay 'myself' as it were, all it would happen is that I would keep getting this person's back up unless I behaved like someone else - someone who is not blunt, let's say.


I'm trying to understand.

So, what happens if someone asked you the same sort of direct question that you would ideally ask someone else if you were being true to yourself, as you say. How would you react if someone had the same style of communication - or actually mirrored the way that you were doing it? How would you interpret their motives etc.



lost561
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16 Oct 2013, 3:32 pm

Geeko said that I have low self esteem too. That's the farthest thing from the truth.

Leaf plant that is only his opinion, he is only a person on the internet that is thousands of miles away and has never met you before. I wouldn't take too much out of that comment and I definately wouldn't let it bother you.



leafplant
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16 Oct 2013, 3:35 pm

lost561 wrote:
Geeko said that I have low self esteem too. That's the farthest thing from the truth.

Leaf plant that is only his opinion, he is only a person on the internet that is thousands of miles away and has never met you before. I wouldn't take too much out of that comment and I definately wouldn't let it bother you.


Thank you, that's really sweet. But realistically, if I want to make meaningful connections with other people (and I think I do), then I have to examine feedback and adjust my behaviour accordingly sometimes - I know you can relate to that too. We never stop growing, and growing is often an uncomfortable process.

I am not bothered by it though, I am very happy that people want to talk to me! :D



Geekonychus
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16 Oct 2013, 3:36 pm

Blegh.......not worth it. I'm not interested in seeing my thread derailed.......



Last edited by Geekonychus on 16 Oct 2013, 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

leafplant
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16 Oct 2013, 3:39 pm

octobertiger wrote:
leafplant wrote:
^^ well..I don't think I am insecure but I do think I am misunderstood a lot. Probably partly my fault because I am not very good at communicating in the way normal people communicate - I am always contrary, I am direct and blunt to a fault. I can and do try not to be - but then that's no longer me.

So, when I ask someone a direct question and they get all funny and start behaving like I've asked them for a kidney transplant and this happens more than once - it then becomes apparent to me that if I were to stay 'myself' as it were, all it would happen is that I would keep getting this person's back up unless I behaved like someone else - someone who is not blunt, let's say.


I'm trying to understand.

So, what happens if someone asked you the same sort of direct question that you would ideally ask someone else if you were being true to yourself, as you say. How would you react if someone had the same style of communication - or actually mirrored the way that you were doing it? How would you interpret their motives etc.


I don't know until the question gets asked. I know I get grumpy at some questions out of habit and I am trying to be more patient about those. But I never know how I would react to anything in advance. I am not one of those people who knows what they would or wouldn't do or never do.

I do hate having my time wasted though. It's terribly entitled of me, I realise, but ..yeah..I am like that.



JanuaryMan
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16 Oct 2013, 3:44 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
she should be going for "the right men" who might actually be compatible with her for more than a quick lay.

I dunno. Life gets lonely. Everyone wants their leaves stroked once in a while.



octobertiger
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16 Oct 2013, 3:47 pm

leafplant wrote:
I don't know until the question gets asked. I know I get grumpy at some questions out of habit and I am trying to be more patient about those. But I never know how I would react to anything in advance. I am not one of those people who knows what they would or wouldn't do or never do.

I do hate having my time wasted though. It's terribly entitled of me, I realise, but ..yeah..I am like that.


What would qualify as a 'waste of time' - vacuous social exchange?

Let's say you had your identical twin materialise in front of you - identical in every way, even beyond the norm for identical twins. Do you think you'd be able to communicate, or would you both get each other's hackles up?

I'm very curious about this - I'm wondering if this is a defence mechanism, is this a cognitive area, or is it just other people are not communicating effectively as you. Or, (and I say this tentatively) perhaps it's a case of you see communication first and foremost as a means of self-expression, rather than an exchange, and this is tied into your sense of self. Or, well, I just don't know.



Geekonychus
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16 Oct 2013, 3:51 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
Geekonychus wrote:
she should be going for "the right men" who might actually be compatible with her for more than a quick lay.

I dunno. Life gets lonely. Everyone wants their leaves stroked once in a while.

That's fair. But finding a compatible partner is a whole other beast then just getting laid.



leafplant
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16 Oct 2013, 3:53 pm

octobertiger wrote:
leafplant wrote:
I don't know until the question gets asked. I know I get grumpy at some questions out of habit and I am trying to be more patient about those. But I never know how I would react to anything in advance. I am not one of those people who knows what they would or wouldn't do or never do.

I do hate having my time wasted though. It's terribly entitled of me, I realise, but ..yeah..I am like that.


What would qualify as a 'waste of time' - vacuous social exchange?

Let's say you had your identical twin materialise in front of you - identical in every way, even beyond the norm for identical twins. Do you think you'd be able to communicate, or would you both get each other's hackles up?

I'm very curious about this - I'm wondering if this is a defence mechanism, is this a cognitive area, or is it just other people are not communicating effectively as you. Or, (and I say this tentatively) perhaps it's a case of you see communication first and foremost as a means of self-expression, rather than an exchange, and this is tied into your sense of self. Or, well, I just don't know.


Are you, like, deaf? I mean blind. :P I already told you that I don't know. I have no idea. None. I just have a history of upsetting people behind me and I want to learn how to be friends with people without upsetting them but without having to not 'play a role' either. Because EarlGrey said that's possible. So ask her, quite frankly :lol:



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16 Oct 2013, 3:53 pm

octobertiger wrote:
leafplant wrote:
I don't know until the question gets asked. I know I get grumpy at some questions out of habit and I am trying to be more patient about those. But I never know how I would react to anything in advance. I am not one of those people who knows what they would or wouldn't do or never do.

I do hate having my time wasted though. It's terribly entitled of me, I realise, but ..yeah..I am like that.


What would qualify as a 'waste of time' - vacuous social exchange?

Let's say you had your identical twin materialise in front of you - identical in every way, even beyond the norm for identical twins. Do you think you'd be able to communicate, or would you both get each other's hackles up?

I'm very curious about this - I'm wondering if this is a defence mechanism, is this a cognitive area, or is it just other people are not communicating effectively as you. Or, (and I say this tentatively) perhaps it's a case of you see communication first and foremost as a means of self-expression, rather than an exchange, and this is tied into your sense of self. Or, well, I just don't know.


I don't know about your or leafplant, but wasting my time, or someone else's time would constitute leading someone on and getting their hopes up for the sole purpose of getting something you want from them (ie. attention seeking, validation of attraction, car rides to and from places, etc.). Think about the number of people that will do this, but not actually give you the time of day otherwise and also somehow know how to dangle a carrot in front of you to keep you hooked.


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16 Oct 2013, 3:56 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
Geekonychus wrote:
she should be going for "the right men" who might actually be compatible with her for more than a quick lay.

I dunno. Life gets lonely. Everyone wants their leaves stroked once in a while.

That's fair. But finding a compatible partner is a whole other beast then just getting laid.


It sure is, unfortunately. I have no problem finding the former. The latter... :shrug:


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16 Oct 2013, 4:01 pm

leafplant wrote:
octobertiger wrote:
leafplant wrote:
I don't know until the question gets asked. I know I get grumpy at some questions out of habit and I am trying to be more patient about those. But I never know how I would react to anything in advance. I am not one of those people who knows what they would or wouldn't do or never do.

I do hate having my time wasted though. It's terribly entitled of me, I realise, but ..yeah..I am like that.


What would qualify as a 'waste of time' - vacuous social exchange?

Let's say you had your identical twin materialise in front of you - identical in every way, even beyond the norm for identical twins. Do you think you'd be able to communicate, or would you both get each other's hackles up?

I'm very curious about this - I'm wondering if this is a defence mechanism, is this a cognitive area, or is it just other people are not communicating effectively as you. Or, (and I say this tentatively) perhaps it's a case of you see communication first and foremost as a means of self-expression, rather than an exchange, and this is tied into your sense of self. Or, well, I just don't know.


Are you, like, deaf? I mean blind. :P I already told you that I don't know. I have no idea. None. I just have a history of upsetting people behind me and I want to learn how to be friends with people without upsetting them but without having to not 'play a role' either. Because EarlGrey said that's possible. So ask her, quite frankly :lol:


Of course I am blind on this - I freely admit it. If I learn something, I can help other people. Simple as. I'm sure you're not the only person who has this difficulty.