Quick question about first date

Post Reply New Topic

I suggested during the date.

Boo is probably right. He wanted to have time to assess everything and now he has decided he does not want to see me again I bet

Yeah, I should just forget about him and go for another date with this new guy.

If during date then you can try a reminder text - for one time, no more no less. He might have really forgot that.

Yes, but I meant in the initial stage, the meeting and getting to know one another. Not necessarily if it would work out long term. The long term prospect would probably have a different hierarchy of importance, like you have written.

I think upon meeting that the most basic instinctive selection criteria is dominant (ie. are they attractive to me, or am I getting a positive feeling their looks grow on me.) I suspect without that everything else is moot point. So I was suggesting that a date has better chance of going well if that question has already been resolved. Having that physical element an unknown on the first date must be very unsettling, like a blind date almost, though I know online usually includes exchanges of pictures.

I wonder too if online daters may just do it sometimes to do it and really not be actively interested. Like they just want a date for the weekend. That would be harder to hide from people in person to person exchanges.

Yeah, think about it for a second, if you were this guy and a girl suggest going on another date wouldn't you answer in a timely manner if you really liked her?

Boo is probably right. He wanted to have time to assess everything and now he has decided he does not want to see me again I bet

*pets the Octobertiger*

We went to an art museum which was kind of good and bad idea at the same time.
He showed off his knowledge about some of the art pieces (he used to work there when he was in grad school), and I enjoyed that very much but I couldn't make any clever comments about them. Made me look really dumb I think.

I've already suggested to go to a gig next week and he said he would text me if he could go. He hasn't so far and I doubt he would.

leafplant is right. Relaxed chatting is not my forte either. Far from it. Can I get better at it with practice?

I might have another date this week. Trying to figure out what I can do to make it better next time...

Spongy, I don't know if you know how people with social anxiety feel about talking to a complete stranger. It's terrifying.

BUT, when I'm at work I don't feel as threatened as I am in private setting. It's weird. I can talk to people in more relaxed manner if I don't give a sh** about the person. How ironic.

Well, I did mentally replayed the whole date in my mind to understand what wrong went, there were three factors I guess, I am 100% sure it's because of one of those reasons at least:

- Religion was brought up briefly at some point, she knew I was nonreligious at all but she didn't know I was from Muslim parents while she's not-so-devout Christian (I use the term "I don't believe in religions" instead of atheism, the word atheism scares them for some reason); in our society they tend to care more about the guy's family religion far more than how religious he personally is.
-I don't think she got attracted to me physically, only by rewinding the date in my mind I've recalled that, during walks, I kept trying to walk side by side her but I believe she was avoiding it, she was either walking too fast or too slow. Obviously she was embarrassed by my height hence I am shorter than her (the info height is clearly state on my profile and she knew earlier I am shorter but probably she didn't imagine she would feel weird).
- I was new to this new mall and even the whole region, my first time there while she is much more familiar with it so I was the passive side of suggesting where to go next every time, I recall she did commented teasingly "are you trying to impress me by letting me choose every time on first day?" - I did explain It was my first time there and teased her back that I would lead next date because it would be my turn to choose the place (I asked her out first but she picked the place); but I guess it was too late, she got the idea of passive about me and if it really didn't bother her she wouldn't even commented on something supposedly to be that trivial. As some other guy said here, girls generally love assertive guys and get turned off by any sign of passivity.

The reason she seemed she enjoyed the date that much because the place was entertaining and she's quite easygoing and sociable but not necessarily because of me.

Something interesting to think about, I just remembered she complained to me once (on okcupid chat) about the guys on okc and how suddenly they stop showing interest in her; she was giving up okcupid (at least that what she claimed back then) the first time I contacted her. I wonder if the other guys "stopped showing interest" because she never reciprocated to them, like how she never reciprocated to me. It was always me who initiated texting, only me initiated calling, always me initiating to suggest outing, always me me me....she would have never contacted me if I didn't first. I thought she might be not conformable or shy yet but after the first date there's no excuse anymore, if she never initiates then she doesn't really care. So before asking her out for a second date I was basically certain she doesn't care but I did it anymore to give her the benefit of doubt - and I was right about my suspicions.

Maybe...maybe, she wanted me to be more assertive, more persistent, to be always the pursuer male but I am not like that.

I think this is where that indoctrination of actions comes from, you know, those actions that Kjas mentioned. By simply not doing certain things, as in not chasing, you could show/action/appear as if you are a player by not engaging in more follow ups. I would have thought that would be irritating, coming off as desperate.

I could be comparing the wrong things.

For me, I ask her out to meet over 3 days, during the week. Example, I ask her out on Monday for Thursday. I have no contact between those days, day arrives, she flakes. Same thing, over and over. All I can think of, is that I should follow up, before and after in some kind of rhythm. Something to do with those darn actions.

Yeah, that's news me that by not pursuing much = player.

But what would *I* assume about her? Why a lot of girls tend to believe they are immune against assumptions over non-action while they judge the guy's lack of action? This common entitlement thinking among girls kill me.

If she never , not even once, initiated a text/call/anything with a guy then what the guy is supposed to assume by that? Wouldn't he assume she doesn't care? wouldn't he assume she is keeping plenty of suitors? Wouldn't he assume she's keeping him as a backup? Hell, even friends initiate stuff with each other, then the guy can assume she even sees him less than a friend, not more than a buddy or a friend's friend.

Overall, actions talk louder than words.

If that how she communicates with every potential bf then no wonder why her previous "suddenly lost interest" in her, and it's no wonder why she's still single to this day. I have initiated like more than 100 things with her over months, 0 in return, and at the end I got sick of this and "suddenly" stopped showing interest.

I've encountered like 3 girls who are that extremely one-sided in communication; one of them was even worse than that, she never said no to a date outing but if I stop for few days she never initiates contact and she never tries to keep the communication goes on if I don't. And oh, the 3 of them are still singles.

WP single girls, newsflash to all of you: you are not immune against assumptions if you do no action.