I need some dating advice from women

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Thanks again for your advice, Vicky. It has been spot on. You've brought up parts of my being a widower that I didn't even think of. I hate thinking of my self as a widower, it makes me feel old and somehow broken. Truth is, my time with my wife was something I'll never regret, and the child we had together is absolutely beautiful. While my wife was incredibly beautiful (I don't think she realized how good looking she truly was), I don't find myself comparing her to women I date. Somehow my brain completely separates the two, which is kind of odd and unexpected.

Anyway, with the nature of eharmony being what it is, and even striving to get that first date, I've found a need to mention the fact I'm a widower in my profile. As you've said, hopefully it will attract a more nurturing woman, which is what I need in my life, for my son as much as for myself. My personality seems to compliment a woman who is nurturing, so it would work out pretty well.

As you've said, I need to make sure they aren't competing with a ghost. I have a hard time *not* referring back to my wife though when I talk about myself, "Yeah, my wife and I used to watch that TV show." I've been working on just referring to me, and not my wife, but I feel like I'm cutting her out sometimes. It's funny, I'm not one to try to be a dramatic person, but sometimes I feel like I'm living a Nicholas Sparks novel.

I'm a guy. Why not simply just ask her if it's too much? I met my girlfriend on eHarmony (or rather she chose me) and we text each other every day since we've met. I usually screwed up in the past by trying to guess what the other person really wants. Instead of trying to guess at her wants and needs, I simply asked. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this question. You might as well begin this relationship with open, honest communication. Go ahead, man, get that second date in! Just be a good, decent human being - be true to yourself. It took me 37 years to learn this one. LOL!

Thanks for the encouragement, totally appreciated. Maybe this is a sign, but I don't feel like I have the rapport with this lady that you have with your girlfriend. She seems to be the type who, if I asked, would try to be discreet which is nice and fine, but I'd not understand the hidden meaning behind what she's saying.

At this point, the last time we talked on the phone or texted was last Saturday. She talked about another man where it didn't work out because he was clingy (before our first date), so I took that as a hint. I'm looking at this as kind of an advantage because we'll have more to talk about on our date on Saturday.

There is absolutely no harm in telling her that you simply do best when things aren't subtle. I just did this with my girlfriend. I told her that she will get the best results by simply asking me to do something or telling me what her needs are. I promised her three things: I will love her unconditionally, I will be generous, and loyal. Speak confidently and from the heart. If she can't handle that, she isn't the one. Clingy ness is hard to define but it is a whole lot more than daily texts .... I speak from experience. Clingy means you define your entire self according to someone else. You have to define yourself by who you are. You have to have your own separate life, if that makes sense.

You make some wise points, my friend. I've got to admit, I've been afraid to communicate that I need somebody to be obvious and overt with me, as opposed to subtle. I'm afraid I'll immediately be discounted because I feel most women are looking for a sophisticated James Bond type of character. What you are really saying is I need to find "the right woman" for me, and not try to compromise my needs. How did you go about telling your girlfriend that? I'm not sure where I'd begin.

With me, and I'm sure with most who have Asperger's, I can be "clingy" and "needy" and certainly define who I am by who I'm dating. But unlike somebody who is NT where that would be permanent, with me that would be temporary. I can be just as cold and distant as anybody else, especially if I feel like I'm not getting my needs met, or not liked. The funny thing is, that isn't some defensive mechanism I've built, it's the real thing. What can annoy me is when I'm clingy and a woman is turned off, then I begin distant and she desires me again. At that point my attitude is, "You snooze, you loose. Check waiter." I'm not saying this is a good aspect of my personality, I'm saying I need to find some balance if possible.

I simply told my girlfriend point blank the best way she can get her needs met by me is to ask. I knew that her acceptance of this would be key to a relationship. I wanted this to be clear before I invest a lot and get hurt again. At the stage when I had the discussion, on the fourth date, I would've been okay had she not been willing to accept this. I would've just moved on and wished her well.

The best advice I can give you is be honest and realistic. Your needs will not be met 100% of the time. Practice making her happy and secure and you will feel good for contributing to another person's life. Early relationship stages may be about you proving your worthiness. Once you prove your worthiness, you'll get a lot in return. Being cold and distant is definitely not the answer. Women want to be listened to, not advised. I got a long way by simply being there for my girlfriend. Your needs almost have to take a backseat, a subordinate role. Believe me, doing for others provides satisfaction.

I think if you have to point out what needs need attending to and are forced to ask, then the relationship will probably fail. In a good relationship the partners know each other's needs intuitively. This is why they are good partners.

Maybe I'm wrong but a good relationship is founded on something a whole lot deeper. It's founded on kindness, generosity, and unconditional love.

Well, I'm with you on kindness and generosity, but not unconditional love. There are things a partner could do that would effect my love for him.

But my point is that if the onus is on me to constantly keep my partner updated, it would be tiresome and I wouldn't bother. It is the intimate understanding of another that is significant in the strength of the relationship.

I respectfully disagree. When I make a choice to love someone, I do it without condition. I love the whole person, strengths and weaknesses. Sure there will be disagreements and upset at times, but unconditional love is the bedrock.

So I like the way you put it. If you want to get your needs met, just ask. Don't beat around the bush. I'll be there for you, I promise. That's a good way of putting it. Being that I'm only only on a second date with the lady in question, I know I'll need to hold off on communicating that. I mean, she doesn't even know I'm a Yankee's fan yet. But, should the opportunity present itself earlier in the process, I'll be saying those words earlier then the 4th date.

I can tell you are in love. You are posting like somebody who has found somebody else every special. I think when you are in the position you are in, you have a very clear view of what is required for a relationship to succeed.

How can I *not* seem cold in distant? I'm very reserved until I get to know somebody. I once had a boss tell me the first time he met me, "Who is this wet noodle" only to find out later that I was anything but. I don't want my date to think the same thing. I'm not going for "wet noodle", I am going for "mighty oak".

Okay, this is coming in from the dark side so take it for what it's worth: There is no way you can always be there for someone even when you love them. The nature of humans is to change over time. This is why we value learning. Two people do not evolve in the same direction very often. When it happens it's like any great friendship. Surprising and inspiring.
I think too many people have some strange idea that a another's love will validate them. No one validates anyone else. No one can meet another's needs. You have to answer for yourself and take care of yourself. There is no reward of love.

Ultimately, if you can share some enjoyed time with someone even for a moment it's worth a Hell of a lot more than aspiring to some constructed reality of love entitlement.

There are a couple of women that I hinted around that you might best ignore. I hope you haven't let their "advice" cause you any problems.

You gave some very useful advice, and I was able to selectively pick advice from those who posted. By piecing together the advice, I was able to figure out a way to secure a second date on Saturday for this upcoming Saturday, and i haven't messaged since. While I don't consider it a great sign that I haven't been messaged by her, she hasn't exactly backed out of our second date, and I do know she has a lot going on. To sum it up, the second date has to be a good one or there won't be a third, or frankly I won't be *interested* in a third. This is our last opportunity to connect.

In the mean time, I have a date on Sunday as well, with a single mother. That will be a first date, and yet I'm feeling somewhat more optimistic about it. That may sound strange, but even though I'm an Asperger's, for some reason I can use logic to sorta assess some people and know if they are for real. I don't think this lady is asking for *too* much.

Anyway, we'll see. There's also a third person I'm in communication with. Due to business trips she hasn't been available, but once that's over, I have a feeling we'll have a date soon.

So I sorta went from freaking out about what to do with this one lady, to having things go sorta fast (for me). I've never had two separate dates on a weekend before. I mean *never*.

It's not them, its an accumulation of my own experience. I just get tired of trying to pretend that anything is other than transitory. I know you have a good relationship and that others do to. But when it comes to concepts like unquestionable love and the illusion that by telling someone that you want something, that you will get it. It's just so much bargaining and negotiation.

Ann, I hope you do not think I am referring to you.