My Aspie Fiance

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No, just no. Never let him be verbally abusive and then blame you for making him angry. It is still entirely his responsibility to respond to anger in an acceptable way and not be verbally abusive. It is more his responsibility to respond to anger in an acceptable way than it is your responsibility to not make him angry. It's also not acceptable for him to tell you to keep quiet simply because he doesn't agree with you. The concern I'm now having here is that lot's of people who are abusive tend to not take responsibility and then blame the victim. This behaviour is verbally abusive, do not accept blame for him lashing out at you and Aspergers is not an excuse. If he hurts you, even unintentionally, he needs to apologise. In fact most aspies would actually be upset over hurting someone rather than blaming them, whether it was intentional or not.

Now I'm getting worried about you and I'm starting to think that AngelRho might be right about some of the things he said in his previous couple of posts. You've come from a previous abusive relationship and the problem is that if you fall into the cycle of making excuses for such behaviour like this when he blames you for such behaviour instead of himself, whether now or in future relationship, then you could land yourself into another cycle of getting yourself into another abusive relationship. My advice to you is put your foot down instead of making excuses for that behaviour. Make it clear to him that you're not going to accept Aspergers as an excuse for such behaviour. From what you've said, he may have trouble with emotional dysregulation but ultimately that is still his problem and his responsibility. If you want to help him with this problem, then that's fine but understand that he has to want to work on the problem. There's nothing more that you can do if he doesn't want to.



You're welcome.

One more thing. Have you looked at those links I gave you earlier in the thread about anger management taking into account specific things related to Asperger Syndrome as well as Tony Attwood's website? If you still want to help him with his anger problems then I would suggest looking at those and also probably phoning around in your area to see if there's anything similar available in the sense of using cognitive behavioural therapy to treat emotional dysregulation, which includes dysregulation of emotions like anger. Remember though that his anger issues are still his problem and he'll only change if he wants to work on those issues.

Now hold on, Jono…no point in going off the deep end here…

In all seriousness, when you mentioned that he has to want to do those things, you're dead on. I think the one thing we all agree on is that as long as he wants to make these corrections there is hope for this relationship. The apparent manipulation going on here is what worries me the most, which is why I hesitate to suggest that this relationship is fixable. Encouraging someone to try to make this work is tantamount to forcing an alcoholic to drink. So from here on out in this discussion as far as I'm concerned, the possibility that HE can fix their relationship and this thing can be salvaged will be understood. Their behavior together is so self-destructive I can no longer in good conscience use language that suggests she try to make it work.

QFT

Not to be a Debby Downer but if this is how he is before marriage, the last thing you should do is marry him. Marriage is a partnership. It is a two way street. If you already feel you are putting your feelings in a box, that will only last so long. I would strongly suggest counseling if you still want to make a go at the relationship. If he refuses counseling well then, the handwriting is on the wall, as they say. I would rather be straight up and honest with you instead of giving you false hope and bs. Best of luck.

I'm not sure. She came from posting on a forum, supposedly a support forum for partners of aspies, where people tend to advise everyone to break up with an aspie partner, simply for being aspies rather than anything specific wrong with the relationship. She re-posted her thread here, thinking we'd give more objective responses and I tried to help her because her initial description of the problem sounded like standard AS/NT communication issues which I thought we could her with.

I'd like to think that whatever she decides, her thread here on Wrongplanet was more helpful that the one on the other forum but I'm not so sure.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartners/messages/?msg=13419.1

I've got an idea, Angel2, could you show your fiancé this thread?

He's going to be a very lonely man if he verbally abuses women for trying to help him.

He definitely needs to work on his anger, problem is bringing it up without offending him. Maybe try to word as you are doing it not because you are trying to change him, but because you are trying to improve his circumstances?

What? Why? So he can beat her half to death or worse? What is it about Angel2 that everyone hates her so much? I don't get it…

Nobody hates her. We're trying to help her. There's no evidence that he's physically violent.

No solid evidence, no. But she did hint at it.

Perhaps I was a little harsh there, so my apologies. Most physical abuse cases start out that way. The verbal abuse can sometimes be the tip of the iceberg. He apparently doesn't let her post to WP enough for us to know any more for sure.

I think she did the right thing posting to two different forums in order to look for a more objective answer. It's like going to a doc for a second opinion. The trouble is that a 2nd opinion can't compel you to believe the 1st one. I wonder if she's doc-shopping until she finds someone to tell her what she wants to hear.

I can always sympathize with someone who wants to make a relationship work. I'm not convinced this relationship is worth salvaging (on her part). What she needs, though not necessarily wants, to hear is she's in a dangerous situation and should get out for the sake of her own well-being.

Listen to me. The reason why I suggested what I did was because of my interpretation that he's getting defensive over perceived criticism. It was my thinking that maybe if he saw how she felt and that she was trying to help him rather than criticise him, then he'd realise how his behaviour affects those around him and try to work on and change it. I would suggest anything that I thought would put her in danger.

Also, forget about that other forum, it's mostly an aspie hate forum and nothing much else. The only information they usually need to hear is whether or not you're in a relationship with someone with Asperger Syndrome. They're not objective at all. At least here, we don't have a general agenda about staying or leaving.