Polyamory: Someone Please Help Me Understand

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oh ok , thanks.

well most everyone says it to me so i stopped fighting it. if so many people say it, it must be true. I find myself questioning if I'm human.

so thats good then that he said he wwouldn't bring it up?

Maybe. But it could also simply mean that he had different ideas and needs/wants than you do when it comes to relationships -- what they need to look like or should be. And that you aren't compatible.



How is trust broken if you're sleeping with multiple people if that's what all of you have agreed that you want?

Breaking trust involves hurting someone -- e.g. breaking a promise, not living up to an agreement, violating someone's boundaries.

If you're sleeping with multiple people and any one of those people doesn't know that there are other people and/or any of them thinks that they are in a monogomous relationship with you, that's a whole lot different than when all the parties involved are aware of each other and are comfortably and happily aware that they are not in a monogamous relationship with you; If you're secretly sleeping with multiple people and some/none of them are aware of what's going on and are expecting to be your only partner, that's not a polyamorous relationship -- that's you cheating in a whole bunch of (supposedly) monogamous relationships.

Trust is built in polyamorous relationships the same way that it's built in monogamous relationships. By honoring your partners' needs, treating them with respect, keeping promises, listening to them, doing nice things for them, supporting them, caring for them, communicating openly and honestly with them, etc.



That's you what it would mean for you. It's what it would mean for a lot of other people, too, but certainly not everyone.

Polyamory doesn't involve less love or caring for the people involved the relationship, it just involves a different number of people.



It is found in the same places that the trust and loyalty are found in monogamy: It's found in honest and transparent communication about feelings, actions, expectations, wants and needs; It's found in compromise and co-operation; It's found in acts and words that show concern and caring and love; It's found in the keeping of promises and confidences; It's found in kindness and respectful treatment; It's found in reliability and supportive words and actions.



Depends on what parts he has in mind when he makes the comparison. I imagine he was talking about stuff like commitment, love, respect, stability, etc. and those things have nothing to do with the number of partners in the relationship.

Think about this: Does simply having you as his only partner make a guy trustworthy? People in monogamous relationships can betray trust in a whole lot of ways beyond cheating. (And because of how I've phrased this, I feel it's necessary to remind you that sleeping with other people when everyone wants there to be sleeping with other people is a very different thing to sleeping with other people despite your partner not wanting that, and in spite of having promised not to.)



That may not be fair -- what did he do or say to "fool you"? DId he say anything like, "I am only into monogamy. I think polyamory is bad"? Just because you thought certain things about him that weren't true doesn't mean he tricked you.

Maybe he didn't tell you about being polyamorous/interested in open relationships, or even kept it a secret, but so what? Why should he have told you?

Polyamory is only one part of who he is and if you've been friends with him until now, clearly it doesn't directly impact on his suitability as a friend. Don't forget all the other things about him.



No, it is not.

It is probably called "cheating" because sleeping with someone other than your partner in a monogamous relationship is a violation of the agreed upon "rules" of the relationship. In a polyamorous relationship the rules are necessarily different because more than two people are involved.

Cheating is a betrayal of trust -- monogamy involves an expectation and an agreement/promise that your partner will love/sleep with only you, so if they love/sleep with someone else they are breaking their agreement/promise and violating your trust.

If you do not have any expectation that your partner will love/sleep with only you because you are both/all okay with having a non-monogamous relationship and have both/all agreed to a relationship involving multiple partners because that's what you want, then loving/sleeping with any of those agreed-upon partners is not in any way a betrayal of trust nor does it break the promise/agreement you have made about who will be loved/slept with; This means it is NOT cheating.



I have no idea how you get from "is polyamorous" to "doesn't value relationships at all, including our friendship".

I can't even begin to challenge this idea because I have absolutely no idea where it comes from.

They actually could. I had the same upbringing as you did, and I always thought that's how you needed to be. Then I happened to stumble upon it in my research, and started thinking about the awful decisions I've made when I couldn't get over girls. I mean, playing the polyamory card there would be so optimal. I could have continued being in love with the ex, yet seek new girlfriends instead of thinking of her as "the one" and stop being interested in other girls.

So you mean Aspies are logical in relationships? Haven't you read the part about obsessions and how they are unable to get over exes? Neurodiverse people also have higher infatuation scores, and over 10% of them have a crush on somebody they don't know. How is that for being logical? It's NTs that make logical decisions instead of emotional in the relationship context (dating, all the requirements, sex, getting something out of it).



I don't think he will ever live-out his preferences if he marries somebody truly monogamy.



As monogamous, you cannot have extra affairs like that. It's called cheating. In the few cases of living out polyamory when one of the people is monogamous, this means that the monogamous part cannot have somebody else, only the polyamory can.

You could be on the receiving side (masochism). I think I might enjoy BDSM (non-sexual side), but only if paired with a really smart, dominant woman. However, I'm sure I won't get into it. It's just in my fantasy.

Ok, everyone! We're switching the subject on this thread. My Aspie friend was never even thinking about polyamory, he was thinking about swinging. He thought that there would not have to be any attached feelings and the people involved would be like animated toys. I guess Aspies can switch their feelings off at will? But I told him I wasn't able to do that. Most women bond during sex. He didn't understand that.

In case I don't make much sense at any point tonight, I'm high on NyQuil, Alka Seltzer and Benadryl and a hot toddy! I have a head cold! Woo Hoo!

A good analogy I've not seen used before.
Also works in the sense of a monotheist could find polytheism both incomprehensible and 'morally wrong'.
Whilst polytheists might see monotheism as incomprehensible without such moral judgments.


In many societies mono is the assumption as well as being linked to concepts like 'maturity'.
Along with taboos in respect of discussing relationships.

some aspies can maybe.
if aspies could just switch their feeling off then there wouldn't be a L&D section on here. lif would be easier for sure if that was true.

I may be an odd man though I hope there are others like me atleast in this sense. I bond during sex. its very emotional thing to me. I want cuddling afterwards and preferred before. so cuddle-sex-cuddle or maybe cuddle-kiss/foreplay-sex-cuddle. not the point I bond during sex. I guess I shouldn't right, then maybe I could just sex anyone to solve the high sex drive. I feel like my whole life is a giant punishment.

That's more likely to be connected to asexuality (and disgust for sexual intercourse), but I suppose it might be an independent trait that is only linked to those. I don't bond with sex either, so need another way, just as he does. This is not a woman thing, it's an ND thing.

It doesn't have anything to do with switching feelings on or off. We just don't bond that way.

Your asexual though, right? He don't sound to me like he's asexual (at all). I can't understand how he cannot see people as people?

Did he 'fool you' or did you assume something about him which turned out to be fantasy?

So you are saying that it's 'morally wrong' and 'disgusting' for someone else to live differently from the way you do?
Even if what they do requires mutual consent and understanding.
What comes to mind is the phrase "With friends like that who needs enemies".
To me this seems at least unethical if not amoral (even 'disgusting').

You might be expected to have at least some awareness of the diversity of human relationships. Or even the ability to put an unfamiliar term into a search engine.

They are YOUR morals and values, to guide you.

Poly epiphanies certainly do happen. As do gay epiphanie. People do 'just wake up one day' and realise X about themselves.

DId he actually say he does not see them as people, or sees them as objects? Is the comparison to animated toys yours or his?

If the comparison is yours and he said nothing about people being objects/animated toys/not really people, where does it come from? What is the logic/reasoning that led you to this conclusion?

Not everyone experiences sex and love as inextricably connected. It doesn't mean we don't see others, including our sexual partners, as people. It just means we feel differently than you do about sex.

I can love the person, but not the lifestyle. If a friend or family member keeps doing something that goes against my core beliefs (and this can be sex, alcohol, drugs, whatever), then I'm not obliged to stay around. If I stay around and don't say anything, then I'm saying that I believe that what they are doing is ok. If I tell them that what they are doing bothers me, then they can decide to either stop doing what they are doing that is so "bothersome" to me while they are around me or cut the friendship off.

With my Aspie friend, he has told me how he was brought up, that he wants a marriage like his parents, etc. We had a long talk last night and I could have attacked him and said that what he was thinking was just awful and I can't believe he would think like that, but I didn't because he matters a lot to me. I tried to see where he was coming from and explain some things about how I felt about it and I believe we came to a pretty even place. He said he hasn't done anything like swinging yet and he knows how I feel about it and that's how it ended. So he knows if he chooses to get into a relationship with me sometime down the road - that swinging stuff won't be happening. He was thinking that I could just shut my feelings off and have sex with anyone and I told him that wasn't possible - feelings will always be involved - at least where I am concerned. I'm still wondering how can he turn his feelings off and on like that?

It was his. I said people are real and have feelings. I don't understand how some people can mechanically do sex without feelings - I believe most of them are men (even NT men).