When you don't realise someone fancies you

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I think the problem is not always that I don't realize it. I don't trust my "fancy detection".
I expect either:
-just being nice
-ulterior motive
-trying to screw me over

I don't trust mine either. I can read other types of body language well, but when it comes to fancying or having a crush with, I fail.

In a movie (I know body language and facial expressions are often exaggerated) I can detect everything, including having a crush. Sometimes I also see it, when a woman is hitting on another guy, but when she is hitting on me, I rule that out. I try to find other explanations or - if not possible - I think, she is weird. It is an autistic lack of self-confidence or a broken detection system. Anyway, I just can't see that.

What do you have to lose by being nice back to them? If you are careful to offer nothing of monetary value (invite them out to a free concert or for a cheap coffee date, so you'll know you're not being used as a meal ticket), what could you possibly have to lose?

I always joke that when I get to the pearly gates, after I found out about family, etc the first question I am going to ask is "so.. God, just how many women were into me that I was totally oblivious to?"

Now that I am off the market and getting married, I have been looking back and am quickly realizing that many, many women probably tried to show interest in me over the years. I remember one in particular got onto an elevator, casually looked in my direction and with a sudden bright demeanor said "oh, HELLO!" in a pleasant surprised tone of voice. I said "hi" back and turned around and walked out of the elevator. Obviously I am glad I ended up in my current situation but damn, I let so many opportunities that were in my lap get away. One even invited me into a private hotel room after a Christmas party and I was completely clueless as to why. I assume she wanted to drug and rob me or had a hidden camera and was looking to humiliate me. How ridiculous is that? One also struck up a conversation when I was walking downtown: in a torrential downpour to which I never caught on that she was checking me out until weeks later.

Even my oblivious father once said to me age 21: how clueless are you? She is waiting for you to ask her out! What are you waiting for? I never did ask her out because I thought she was just being friendly. I see a young lady about 22-23 in a Church function I attend and can't help but think about my past self: "If you were 23, she would be perfect but you were too clueless at that age to see that".

Nothing at all. You're right in that way.
In another way it just won't work out because my entire attitude is centered around that nobody really cares what I have to say and nobody likes me, and if they did and I went on a date with them, they wouldn't like me when they got to know me.
So I push everyone away or behave inappropriately or hostile.
Yeah, there's nothing to lose there, but I'm not even trying to win.
Not gonna cry about it, it's my own fault, I know that. This thread is about the fancy detection anyway, not my "problems".

Ok here's a scenario. Man talking to friend. They start talking about Ms X who is now going out with/getting married to someone else. Friend says, "she used to fancy you". The man is like, "why didn't you tell me at the time."

I've seen that written on this forum. I don't have close male friends, but female friends have told me the same thing has happened to them. Their friend told them that a man they used to like who is now unavailable used to like them.

This thread was started after I had a conversation with someone who thought I wasn't being obvious enough with men I like.

I don't approach women because I have a 100% failure rate. If a woman sends signals that she likes me, I don't act on it because spending any time with a woman is serious to me. It means I have to overcome my aversion to people and my overwhelming anxiety when around women. I also have a hard time setting boundaries with women, so if I let her into my life a little bit, I fear that it will lead to me awkwardly rejecting her later on. My life is a lot easier when I socialize only with men.

In short, it isn't that I am not attracted before receiving unambiguous signs that a woman is attracted to me. I just don't think anything good will come from pursuing a possible relationship (platonic or romantic/sexual) with 99.99% of women I encounter. This is all AS related--horror stories of misunderstanding, embarrassment, exploitation, and rejection. At this point, the only woman I would be willing to date is someone a close friend sets me up with. I don't trust my feelings of attraction or my ability to perceive the true intentions of a potential partner.

For autistics (and in some cases for NT men) it is hard to see, whether a woman is just being friendly or actually hinting more than that.

If a female stranger try to lure me into her hotel room, I will question her. What is she up to? Isn't she faking? What tricks is she playing? It rarely happens. Or, even worse... Imagine I would go to her hotel room. And then there are three men - her male friends - that rob me.

In a TV program series, there are women (as part of a gang) that start talking to male tourists, especially in main roads and squares of metropolos. Those women try to lure men into an expensive restaurant or some gang, and force him to pay a lot of money to prevent being robbed or worse.

That a woman try to rob a man is not quit imaginary or ridiculous.

Even if I have a chat with a woman in my own country (both she and I are Dutch) it could be a bit questionable. And my past experiences with girls and women are not too good.

The thing is still don't understand is why are you trying to work out if someone is hinting or not. If you have nothing to lose and are not somehow socially tied like she's your sister's best friend or you see her every day at work, just ask her out. You've got nothing to lose.

Why don't you like anyone enough to make an effort?

Of everyone just stands around waiting for clues no one makes a move.

Going to a hotel room with total strangers is one thing. Having a pleasant chat with a woman at the, say, local grocery store and exchanging email addresses is something else altogether.

Not everybody's trying to assault you. It's possible to engage with friendly, potentially interested strangers in a manner unlikely to result in physical harm to anybody .

This is a major struggle for me in the dating world. I often have difficulty deciphering subtle and non-verbal cues, and even then, they can literally mean anything, and can mean different things to different people.

And even with verbal statements, sometimes I don't know whether to take something literally/at face value, or whether I am supposed to find some sort of hidden meaning.

But there is plenty to lose. I've done it over and over again. I'd approach a woman who showed no interest, put effort into getting to know them and always get rejected romantically. It hurts really bad. Then there are women who approach me. They like me at first and then as soon as they see the Aspie traits come out they don't like me anymore. I invariably say or do something or fail to say or do something that makes them not see me in a romantic way anymore. Or they turn into stalkers or abusers. None of these situations are pleasant. If I don't make a move, I get to keep my peace of mind and my self-respect.

OK, that makes sense. At least you've made an effort.
My last post was written at 3am. Logic not working at that time in the morning.

You actually have a point and I agree with you sir, especially when in another country.

Third-world or 'second-world' nations such as India, Phillipines, certain other west Asian or South American nations, etc. can actually be dangerous places to get hustled for your money.

Sometimes the perpretrator can be a woman just wanting your money/ID theft/kidnapping/who knows what.

Even in your own country, yeah.

I hate to offend other males, but as a male I would find a male slightly less trustworthy if he wanted me to go with him, but that's not to say women can't be just as shady and dangerous.

If I was in a public place, talking to a nice woman and maybe got a sudden date or at least a phone number it's much more safe than being at a party or event and 'invited' to go with them or offered a 'lift' by someone.

These are things that you can finally learn but the more learning situations I get, the more experienced I get and the faster I learn.

The point is only, how do advance without harassing the woman? (Clumsy) Actions that I make based of assumptions, may get me into trouble. Imagine: I think a woman is interested in me. I try to date with her. But I misinterpret her signals or she is faking or I am going too fast. What would you think of trying to date a woman who is not interested in you? Why would I ask an e-mail address from her? What if a male stranger asks an e-mail address to you, if you are a woman?

To avoid problems, she has to spell it out for me (saying literally) that she is interested. Otherwise, I could make deadly wrong assumptions.

You take it one step at a time and graciously take no for an answer. If you're chatting with a woman you've just met at [place], ask for her email. If she says no, she's not into you.

If she says yes, yay, and send her a brief message saying you enjoyed meeting her and that you'd like to invite her out for a coffee at local [public place]. If she says no or you don't hear back (50% chance, even if you got her digits), she's not interested. If she accepts, yay! You're meeting in public, she doesn't know where you live and the risk to both of you is minimal.

I've given my contact info to strange men on occasion - cute guy at an Irish pub, friend of a friend at a work do, etc.