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Jacoby
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26 Oct 2015, 11:11 am

I'm guessing/hoping you mean more than just physically attractive, 1 out 10 would be pretty picky I would think.

It is what it is, some things you can change and others you can't. For me it is more than just being some awkward guy on the spectrum, there's a serious anxiety disorder as well on top of it so it's basically impossible. If I ever find someone it will be completely by chance and blind luck, nobody is going to come knocking on my door tho and I know this. ****, if someone knocks on my door I go and hide. I'm just focused on school and hopefully getting a job, maybe things can change I dunno.



MissBearpolar
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26 Oct 2015, 11:21 am

Jacoby wrote:
I'm guessing/hoping you mean more than just physically attractive, 1 out 10 would be pretty picky I would think.

It is what it is, some things you can change and others you can't. For me it is more than just being some awkward guy on the spectrum, there's a serious anxiety disorder as well on top of it so it's basically impossible. If I ever find someone it will be completely by chance and blind luck, nobody is going to come knocking on my door tho and I know this. ****, if someone knocks on my door I go and hide. I'm just focused on school and hopefully getting a job, maybe things can change I dunno.


A lot of everybody's relationships are bind luck and anxiety's treatable. If you're choosing not to try to date to focus on school/employment, that's fine + dandy. Not anghsting about not dating when you're not trying to date is a good idea!



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26 Oct 2015, 11:36 am

rdos wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well if you're intending to primarily get matched with neurodiverse people...you could always put that you are autistic in your profile and explain what that means and even say you only are interested in other neurodiverse people.


That doesn't affect OkCs matching process. They don't parse people's profiles, rather use the answers to their surveys. It also won't do any good because putting "autistic" in the profile is more likely to scare away neurodiverse people and especially the undiagnosed ones you want to get to know.

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also you can just messege people they don't have to be the 'matches' the site pairs you with, since that is just based on if you have similar basic preferences/lifestyle.


That assumes you know which people to message beforehand, and also that they are aware of neurodiversity, which I think only a minority of neurodiverse people are. Most of them know they have some quirks, but they don't know about neurodiversity and that others have the same quirks.

As I wrote before, I've had a few neurodiverse matches identifying with asexual polyamory in their surveys. None of these girls wrote "I'm autistic" or "I'm neurodiverse" in their profiles. Instead, it becomes evident when they describe their "quirks" and odd preferences in their profile.


Alright well suit yourself...I simply don't care about what neurotype someone is....and feel it would be a shame to limit myself to interactions only with those I determine to be 'neurodiverse'.


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Jacoby
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26 Oct 2015, 11:39 am

MissBearpolar wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
I'm guessing/hoping you mean more than just physically attractive, 1 out 10 would be pretty picky I would think.

It is what it is, some things you can change and others you can't. For me it is more than just being some awkward guy on the spectrum, there's a serious anxiety disorder as well on top of it so it's basically impossible. If I ever find someone it will be completely by chance and blind luck, nobody is going to come knocking on my door tho and I know this. ****, if someone knocks on my door I go and hide. I'm just focused on school and hopefully getting a job, maybe things can change I dunno.


A lot of everybody's relationships are bind luck and anxiety's treatable. If you're choosing not to try to date to focus on school/employment, that's fine + dandy. Not anghsting about not dating when you're not trying to date is a good idea!


I wouldn't say I am choosing not to date, that is just the situation. I've tried to treat anxiety, there really isn't anything besides drugs that work and even then the only rx that does anything are benzos which they apparently guard like the holy grail. It's something that is really stressing me out actually since it took until now just to even get that and the nurse or whatever said she didn't want me taking them very long but that's basically the only reason I've been able to go to school, if they cut me off then I don't know what I will do. The mental anxiety is still there mostly which I guess is probably some sort of learned helplessness, my heart just doesn't feel like it going to jump out of my chest which is nice I guess. It's not something that developed for no reason obviously, that reason hasn't gone away. There are rational fears and irrational ones, I have both.

I think that is probably in part why I am more depressed lately since before I was just so overwhelmed with anxiety before and more content with withdrawing. I notice the autism way more now and like I said and like I said I get it. I'd say I suffer from a real lack of confidence and self-esteem, maybe making some money would make me feel better about myself I dunno. It's a real round-about way of doing things since money or material things don't really motivate me at all, I just don't want to be a burden



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26 Oct 2015, 11:50 am

Neotenous Nordic wrote:

Men outnumber women on dating sites. That's just statistics.

So to find a woman, you must first.

-Weed out the fake accounts put in by site owners to try to make it seem like there are more women there.
-Weed out phishers and trolls posing as women.
-Weed out the women who are just there for validation.

And then you're left with a small pool of women which all the other men who have gone through the same process as you have, then have to compete over.

These women then getting all this attention can be very, very choosy, as opposed to their male counterparts.

I'm not saying women don't experience frustration and let down on dating sites, just that statistically, the men outnumber women by far which means that for most women, there will always be men to choose from, just that they're not the top tier of men which all women compete for and refuse to lower their standards for the average joes.

What women might experience though, is sleazy men just looking to get laid, when they are there to find someone suitable for a relationship.



I didn't say females don't outnumber males on dating sites....just pointing out not all females on them are petty princesses sitting on pedastools with 100's of guys to choose from, separating them into different 'tiers' and then disregarding anyone below said tier in their search for the perfect suitor. Many could have experiences similar to mine and not be 'very, very, very' choosy...I just have a hard time believing I am that unique and there aren't a ton of other females similar to me in their approach and experience on dating sites.


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Sweetleaf
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26 Oct 2015, 11:57 am

MissBearpolar wrote:

Quote:
What women might experience though, is sleazy men just looking to get laid, when they are there to find someone suitable for a relationship.


That's not really an issue, as dating sites tend to let you specify what kind of a relationship you're looking for (casual sex, long-term, etc) and have handy "delete" buttons.


And you can still get guys who act genuinely interested and then drop you after having sex a few times, happened to me twice though with the first one he may have very initially been into me and that changed but he then sure took full advantage of the situation. So it can certainly be an issue people run into.


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Sweetleaf
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26 Oct 2015, 12:08 pm

Jacoby wrote:
MissBearpolar wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
I'm guessing/hoping you mean more than just physically attractive, 1 out 10 would be pretty picky I would think.

It is what it is, some things you can change and others you can't. For me it is more than just being some awkward guy on the spectrum, there's a serious anxiety disorder as well on top of it so it's basically impossible. If I ever find someone it will be completely by chance and blind luck, nobody is going to come knocking on my door tho and I know this. ****, if someone knocks on my door I go and hide. I'm just focused on school and hopefully getting a job, maybe things can change I dunno.


A lot of everybody's relationships are bind luck and anxiety's treatable. If you're choosing not to try to date to focus on school/employment, that's fine + dandy. Not anghsting about not dating when you're not trying to date is a good idea!


I wouldn't say I am choosing not to date, that is just the situation. I've tried to treat anxiety, there really isn't anything besides drugs that work and even then the only rx that does anything are benzos which they apparently guard like the holy grail. It's something that is really stressing me out actually since it took until now just to even get that and the nurse or whatever said she didn't want me taking them very long but that's basically the only reason I've been able to go to school, if they cut me off then I don't know what I will do. The mental anxiety is still there mostly which I guess is probably some sort of learned helplessness, my heart just doesn't feel like it going to jump out of my chest which is nice I guess. It's not something that developed for no reason obviously, that reason hasn't gone away. There are rational fears and irrational ones, I have both.

I think that is probably in part why I am more depressed lately since before I was just so overwhelmed with anxiety before and more content with withdrawing. I notice the autism way more now and like I said and like I said I get it. I'd say I suffer from a real lack of confidence and self-esteem, maybe making some money would make me feel better about myself I dunno. It's a real round-about way of doing things since money or material things don't really motivate me at all, I just don't want to be a burden


Have you tried Valerian, Lavender, Chamomile, Passionflower or other herbal relaxants? Perhaps you have and found them useless but I find those all useful and they can be combined to help minimize anxiety. I prefer either tinctures or taking the dry herbs and making it into an herbal brew/tea.

But yeah Valarian specifically is the strongest, and I certainly recommend tincture or tea because the pills/capsules aren't as quick and it's questionable whether the valarian is even activated in those cause you have to simmer the root for a while to get the oils out. With tincture and tea its more than likely that process has occurred. Don't have much advice on the rest and don't know this is even helpful....but if you need something for anxiety and benzos aren't an option those can somewhat suffice.


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26 Oct 2015, 12:12 pm

SilverStar wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I sent messages myself but didn't get any responses from messages I sent. Of course I am female and the social norm seems to be guys initially talking to girls but I don't think that is the 'right' way but certainly could mean a guy is less likely to get initial messeges from girls than girls are from guys. Also seems to mean guys are less likely to respond to a female sending them a message cause its out of the ordinary.


I know it's not a social norm and all, but there is nothing wrong with girls initiating. Honestly, it shouldn't really matter who makes the first move, as long as somebody does. Also, I don't think guys mind all that much if the girl does make the first move (especially shy/socially awkward guys). When they didn't respond to your messages, they probably just weren't interested.


I don't think there is anything wrong with girls initiating...it is a 'social norm' I don't really agree with, but it still exists. But yeah I assume the ones I messaged just were not interested, but for some guys maybe they would find it weird due to that ridiculous social norm if a female initiates interaction with them. I personally agree with you that it should not matter.


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MissBearpolar
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26 Oct 2015, 12:29 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I keep hearing stories from girls that guys don't like girls initiating on them - and I keep hearing guys wishing if girls initiate on them.

So which side is exaggerating?


I don't think either is. Everyone, presumably, speaks from their own experience and preferences.

I happen to prefer to be asked out but other girls may well prefer to do the asking.



Jacoby
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26 Oct 2015, 12:48 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
MissBearpolar wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
I'm guessing/hoping you mean more than just physically attractive, 1 out 10 would be pretty picky I would think.

It is what it is, some things you can change and others you can't. For me it is more than just being some awkward guy on the spectrum, there's a serious anxiety disorder as well on top of it so it's basically impossible. If I ever find someone it will be completely by chance and blind luck, nobody is going to come knocking on my door tho and I know this. ****, if someone knocks on my door I go and hide. I'm just focused on school and hopefully getting a job, maybe things can change I dunno.


A lot of everybody's relationships are bind luck and anxiety's treatable. If you're choosing not to try to date to focus on school/employment, that's fine + dandy. Not anghsting about not dating when you're not trying to date is a good idea!


I wouldn't say I am choosing not to date, that is just the situation. I've tried to treat anxiety, there really isn't anything besides drugs that work and even then the only rx that does anything are benzos which they apparently guard like the holy grail. It's something that is really stressing me out actually since it took until now just to even get that and the nurse or whatever said she didn't want me taking them very long but that's basically the only reason I've been able to go to school, if they cut me off then I don't know what I will do. The mental anxiety is still there mostly which I guess is probably some sort of learned helplessness, my heart just doesn't feel like it going to jump out of my chest which is nice I guess. It's not something that developed for no reason obviously, that reason hasn't gone away. There are rational fears and irrational ones, I have both.

I think that is probably in part why I am more depressed lately since before I was just so overwhelmed with anxiety before and more content with withdrawing. I notice the autism way more now and like I said and like I said I get it. I'd say I suffer from a real lack of confidence and self-esteem, maybe making some money would make me feel better about myself I dunno. It's a real round-about way of doing things since money or material things don't really motivate me at all, I just don't want to be a burden


Have you tried Valerian, Lavender, Chamomile, Passionflower or other herbal relaxants? Perhaps you have and found them useless but I find those all useful and they can be combined to help minimize anxiety. I prefer either tinctures or taking the dry herbs and making it into an herbal brew/tea.

But yeah Valarian specifically is the strongest, and I certainly recommend tincture or tea because the pills/capsules aren't as quick and it's questionable whether the valarian is even activated in those cause you have to simmer the root for a while to get the oils out. With tincture and tea its more than likely that process has occurred. Don't have much advice on the rest and don't know this is even helpful....but if you need something for anxiety and benzos aren't an option those can somewhat suffice.

I've had herbal teas before, I couldn't imagine they would actually help to the same degree as I don't just need to be slightly mellowed out but I guess I'll be out of options if they did cut me off so it would be worth another try. I don't think I've ever used Valerian root and I think that is used making benzos so it worth a try I guess, like would it stop a panic attack? Maybe combining the stuff would be a good idea. Also I'm not sure what interaction it might have with other drugs, like I know St. John's Wort is suppose to be as effective as an SSRI but it interacts with basically everything. I'll probably just try to find another doctor if they decide to screw with me, I've been teetering on the edge about school even with the benzos so I don't know what will happen if they did do that. I don't think they'd just cut me off altho I am on a pretty small dosage, I'd like them to up it but who knows. That big showdown is in November. Maybe I should just go to Mexico to buy them hahahaha... I think it could work. 8O

Like I get how exercising and meditating is suppose to make you feel better but I don't understand how that is going to make me less anxious, that is not how my brain works.



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27 Oct 2015, 1:11 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
rdos wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I keep hearing stories from girls that guys don't like girls initiating on them - and I keep hearing guys wishing if girls initiate on them.

So which side is exaggerating?


Why does some side need to exaggerate? It's a matter of neurotype. NT males don't like it when girls initiate, and ND males wish they did, especially if they are very shy.



Not everything is ND vs NT.


I agree.


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Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
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27 Oct 2015, 1:20 am

Worst decision - any of them. I just joined two and nothing is free. I've had several responses but don't know who they are unless I pay out the wazoo. Then I've seen some of my responses and they are guys that are about 15 yrs older than me and look it! All the guys my age want women 15 yrs younger than me. Goodluck with that. No one is going to tell me that men aren't out for the youngest "bombshell" that they can find. I don't even look my age and I'm having problems! For those who also think that women have it easy on online dating sites, I'm here to prove you wrong. So far, I haven't found one person worthy of me spending $40-50 a month for in order to communicate with. Still deciding on whether to keep my account open or not.


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I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


314pe
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27 Oct 2015, 2:58 am

nurseangela wrote:
No one is going to tell me that men aren't out for the youngest "bombshell" that they can find.

Men are all individuals and look for different things. These men you talk about are a minority.



rdos
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27 Oct 2015, 5:04 am

314pe wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
No one is going to tell me that men aren't out for the youngest "bombshell" that they can find.

Men are all individuals and look for different things. These men you talk about are a minority.


Practically all men find women in their teens or 20s most attractive, regardless of their own age and neurotype. But that doesn't mean they want those for relationships. Most men will need to compromise with their desires in order to find women that are interested. This works much like people that are not so attractive will not seek super-hot people (at least not if they want a relationship).



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27 Oct 2015, 9:54 am

rdos wrote:
314pe wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
No one is going to tell me that men aren't out for the youngest "bombshell" that they can find.

Men are all individuals and look for different things. These men you talk about are a minority.


Practically all men find women in their teens or 20s most attractive, regardless of their own age and neurotype. But that doesn't mean they want those for relationships. Most men will need to compromise with their desires in order to find women that are interested. This works much like people that are not so attractive will not seek super-hot people (at least not if they want a relationship).


Everybody has a "wish list" for their dream partner and everybody ends up compromising on *something*. Eventually, both parties get to point that they're happy with who they end up with (because if they're not, they'd still be single/searching).



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27 Oct 2015, 10:09 am

Old ladies tend to find young men more attractive too.

Everyone finds youth more attractive.