Do you think people flirt at you without you noticing?

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^ but then there's the element of delayed insight. that's when that question gets to make sense

many times i'll realize out of the blue (typically in the shower) that i've made a small verifiable mistake (a typo, for instance), days or weeks after the fact. i have no idea how that's even possible, but it happens

at the point which the insight is reached, it qualifies as "noticing", but the topic title says "without you noticing", so that does not describe any eventual insight into previously noticed, but unconsidered elements


well i can not determine the relevance of that revelation. unless the "typo" is some realization you have arrived at by recalling precisely what you wrote, but that does not connote obliviousness or "without noticing it"

i do not think that further attempts to explain anything to me will be profitable so i resign from this discussion.

well it's just semantics and implied meanings. the way you interpret the question, yes, it doesn't make sense

yes and no. when that happens, i do recall precisely what i wrote, but the realization itself comes first. it baffles me

well i am happy in this circumstance to remain baffled. it is not a pressing consideration that i feel i must resolve.

yes. it's not a bad kind of bafflement

Oh i notice the flirting, but nothing ever goes anywhere. I'm attrative, but my personality sucks, so once they get past what I look like and talk to the real me they drift away. Always happens.

I hate flirts. They're liars.

This has happened to me too. I remember one time, I was at a bar with a couple of friends and I went up to the counter to get another drink. While I was in line a girl came up to me and asked me how tall I am. I'm 6'6" so this isn't an uncommon question so I told her and she said something else that I don't remember and I replied and I think she said one more thing that I don't remember (it's been close to 10 years). Anyway, I got my drink and went back to my table and one of my friends asked if I got her number. Surprised by his question, I said "no" and that she just wanted to know how tall I am. He said she was totally flirting with me and couldn't believe I didn't realize it. This was before I knew about Aspergers, let alone that I had it. I don't know if it's happened since or not as I generally don't have anyone near to point it out.

Probably, who knows, I'm too clueless and lack the self-confidence and self-esteem to ever pick up any type of signals. The other day some girl was trying to make conversation with me in line at the pharmacy but I'm too much of an anxious weirdo to reciprocate properly, I imagine I have to come off as the most disinterested person ever but I have no idea. I always feel like I am the punchline of a joke and someone is trying play a gag on me constantly but I've come to the conclusion that my brain is sick and likes to play games on me. I feel bad in retrospect about times I may of been terribly rude but I have no idea what is real and what isn't, everything sucks. I guess that's why I have to take the pills in the first place...

I think this happens to me too. Not sure if they are flirting, but some are friendly at first and then they act cold. I think part of it is me not knowing what to say and I think I give off some weird vibes too.

Life is so ironic.

It is ironic I COULD recognize flirting if it ever happened to me, and COULD return flirting, but it rarely ever does.

It's ironic when I'm specifically scoping out my location and trying to pay close attention to see if I'm getting any attention from the opposite sex, I don't get any.

It's ironic when I am not doing it at all, I'm caught completely off-guard and when I am flirted with I'm in a situation where I can't reciprocate (e.g. in a relationship, in a hurry, etc.)

It's ironic in 8th grade when I for some reason had little to no interest in the opposite sex, at least 2 girls, possibly more had crushes on me all at the same time.

It's ironic when in 10th grade I started to very badly want a relationship and started to actually make an effort to get one, I did not find any success at all whatsoever or get any interest.

It's ironic in 12th grade the second I stopped trying a girl from my class got a crush on me.

It's ironic when I tried to get to know her, flirt with her, etc. and build up to asking her out, life unexpectedly whisked her away from me (let's just say she had to drop out and move very far away - it was neither of our faults).

It's ironic when I was dating my first girlfriend and thought I was doing great her feelings were on and off and she broke up with me out of nowhere because she had lot feelings for me.

It's ironic when constantly paranoid and worried when dating my second girlfriend and being careful with everything I said and did resulted in a break-up.

It's ironic after all that, I am now in a position where whether I do make an effort or not, I won't be successful because I am currently not studying, not working, these are no meetup groups here, under 18, can't stand the idea of online dating, have no nearby friends to hang out with, have crippling Agoraphobia and a fear of the outdoors, and while interested in volunteering in the near future, am not currently doing it right now.

*Sigh*....

Well, if you are involved in flirting with other NDs, then the natural progression of things is that the girl must show-off, and if you don't do that, it won't lead anywhere. At least that's my experience with this. The primary factor which determines if there was progress or not was if the girl was passive and expected me to do everything (no progress), or if she was active (typically some progress). The thing is, as an ND guy, I won't ask a girl out, and I won't even make verbal contact because I'm unable to do that until the girl has "shown-off" properly. Sure, I can talk to women, but that never leads to romantic interest.

rdos, you talk a lot about your theories of flirting, but i don't really get one essential thing about it: what do you define as "flirting"? i mean, not what it's like, or how it works, or how it fails, but really, the word. what do you mean by the word itself. what defines a type of context that qualifies as flirting? what defines a type of context that doesn't qualify as flirting? do you mean one-off interactions or recurring/intermittent ones? only face-to-face? something lasting seconds? minutes? hours? days/months? specific places/circumstances? any circumstance where two people can be interacting?

Rdos what do you mean by "show off"?

Do you mean showcase your natural talents. If you're good at something then do it around him and show him you are an interesting person to get to know?

Do you mean show off like a peacock? Dress nice and do some kind of mating dance?

Sometimes I wonder if guys are showing off to attract a woman. Like they'll play a musical instrument when a girl they like is around to grab her interest... True story. 2 of my friends liked each other. She expected him to talk to her, but he sat and played guitar all evening. She was upset and thought he didn't like her, but he thought she'd like him more if he showed off his talents.

Anyway... He eventually asked her to be his girlfriend, but by this point she thought he wasn't interested, so showcasing your talents can back fire. Be careful. You need to actually show a woman you want to spend time with her by.... Believe it or not... Spending time with her.

And the same applies to women - some men will only approach when she already shows signs of interest first.

A woman can't just sit near a guitar player and showcase her looks - if she wants to spend time with him, she has to show she actually wants to spend time with a man by, believe it or not, showing she wants to spend time with him.

If I'm missing any signs of flirting, then it does make me wish young girls and women showed signs more often and more easy to interpret.

Even when I did get some hints of flirting, it was either the ridiculously obvious or ridiculously vague - no middle ground.

I've been openly cat-called or complimented on my looks physically, but the most often thing that happens is I exchange looks with a girl around my age, but they often don't smile and the looks are neutral, so maybe they are just coincidental, but I'm not always the one starting the exchange and I'll catch them still looking or staring at me with the slit of my eye when I'm trying to end the looking game.

Seriously. Exchange looks with the one you're interested in, play with your hair when he sees you, smile and wave, wink, bite your lip, blow kisses, stare creepily with a cold expression without blinking and breathe through your mouth, whatever - some males only like to approach when he knows you're interested, and he can only know if you only show.

Males with a defeatist attitude from the very beginning would think 'She'll never be interested in a guy like me', but if she is, she often doesn't do anything to prove the contrary.

The former. The latter is part of NT relationship preferences, and not of ND relationship preferences.



Of course guys show off (at least NT guys). You can see it as you mentioned above, or by catcalling or by talking loudly with your friends to show the girl you are an interesting guy. The ND female show off has some similarity with how NT guys show off. They might do it with their female friends, and even ask their female friends to help them. The more complex and creative, the better the impressing effect, because the objective is to impress.

I usually won't show off for girls I like or have a crush on, which I think is because for NDs it is the girl that has this initial role. I've actually only caught myself doing this a single time, and it was after the girl had already showed off, and I had gotten impressed about how well she did it. When this happened, I put down a lot of time and effort on it and kept it up for a year or so. It was like a strong obsession with a special interest.



In the ND courtship, the guy shows interest by setting up repeats. That might backfire if it requires no effort to do so. Also, there is a trigger that the guy needs to activate before he will show off, which can also backfire.

Last edited by rdos on 05 Aug 2016, 4:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

Absolutely, and even better, if you are ND, use happy stims! Those will both show the ND guy that you are interested and compatible. It can make a huge difference.