To be chased is by far more powerful.

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Even in society's eyes, a chaser is more likely to be seen negatively.

A chaser is more likely to seen as desperate, entitled, stalker, womanizer.

A chaser is more prone to get negative labels.

While a chasee....especially if male, is seen way more seen positively, is in the society's eyes he is someone attractive, irresistible, magnet, 'on the roll', "alpha"...etc.
Even for female, she's seen as 'hard to get', 'not easy', attractive...etc


If a guy asks out or even approaches (without directly asking out) two girls within the same social group of girls, even with months apart, the group will quickly gossip about him negatively about being a desperate player(I have seen it countless of times).

But when a guy is approached by two or more girls from within the same group, he is not labeled as such. The worst label he would get might be "attractive but player".


Seriously, there's nothing good on the chaser side.

you can always be a "passive pursuer" though, offering opportunities for someone else to show interest (or disinterest) in you rather than simply showing interest in them yourself. there's always different types and levels of interest anyway. you can show a more trivial type of interest but leave the rest open-ended. that way, rejection isn't that big a deal, and you're free to change your mind yourself

well, sure, you can't please everyone. being labeled as a "nice guy" and such is just one of the many possible forms of rejection

i think it's important to make a distinction between a wish and an intention though. an intention implies not only a wish, but also an expectation. and the expectation doesn't necessarily have to be there. and there's also a difference between not stating something and actually withholding it. "not stating it" can be an invitation for someone to ask you. if they don't, and if they come up with their own answers without asking you, that's a rejection. it's not necessarily a sign that you did anything wrong. it's only suspicious if they do ask and you don't reveal anything

zigzagging the diversions another 2c
i never dated, but approaching was mostly me (90%)
which leaves the q - am i not good enough?
but thats compairing, thats never going to make one happy

but being rejected can help to overcome; becoming sad, angry, selfconcious and all that

apart from starting, the hard stuff lies in ending which is a terrible thing to do for me, it takes years to built up to quit, no one wanted that and the hardest part is being the mean one
apart from being unable to do that i was learned not to have the right to say no

and a repeated history of being chased after saying no (more)

really in which fairy tale is being chased fun ?

^In my life, it was always fun, even in the cases where the girl is a total crazy, they turned to funny memorable stories.

but when I pursue? I have no single happy experience/outcome when I am the one who's pursuing. And I will certainly won't remember them as funny stories.

and like the Italian guy said, sometimes the tables can turn, but the pursuer position always suck even it started as pursuee before.

I admit that pursuee experiences were +++ to my self esteem while puruser experiences were all minuses to it.

This may reflect a personality flaw, I know, but I am being totally honest.

and I am certainly not a fairy tale.

I exist.

Or am I not?

I once was followed home, at age 21, by a co-worker for the express purpose of having sex.

I was once asked out by a girl on the subway when I was 17. She was a Jesus freak, and wanted me to "find Jesus."

I was once (willingly) dragged into an apartment building vestibule by a 14-year-old girl (when I was 15).

I was once dragged into the apartment of a woman whose ad I answered for the express purpose of having sex.

Otherwise, by and large, I was the pursuer of ladies (with tacit assistance from the ladies).

If you don't like the way you are treated when you are the chaser why would you treat your chasee the same way?
Because people like us with asd don't see these things naturally, we must think about them and act appropriately.

Even the dates that came out of me being the chased were always by far better and enjoyable.

When I am the chaser, and in the few instances the chasee accepted to go out on a date, the chasee always somehow played the role of "employer/interviewer" and trying to find the minor fault in me to break the deal. Horrible.


You see, when you are a chaser toward someone, it means that you already admitting to like this person and already impressed by her/him - while the chasee's true opinion of you is unknown and expecting you to impress him/her or else.....

That's why the chasee is in stronger position even during the date.

I never been desired. It be nice to someone give me all their time and attention for once

It's the obsession. I don't like people obsessed with me. It bothers me.

I am unequivocally attracted to women.

My problem with this new concept of the woman being the chaser is, all through growing up, It was almost literally pounded into my head by my mother, that women don't chase men. She never understood how hard dating was for anyone with disabilities. She always said it makes women look desperate, needy, and slu*ty, when they chase men. For years I heard the same thing over and over, "If a man really likes you, he will ask you out.", and even as of recently, when I first became interested in Brent, she kept telling me the same thing, even though I tried explaining to her that circumstances with him were different. So, for me to chase, is scary, and it makes me sick to my stomach. This time though, It made me sicker not to pursue him. LOL.

I don't know if powerful is the word I would use, advantageous from the standpoint of knowing that the person is interested in you and I imagine it is nice to get validation on some level relative to nothing at all both of which would help with confidence and self esteem. To be chased is to have the power to reject.

This thread is basically about male and female gender roles as to initiating relations, the reality is the norm is that the man chases & the woman is chased and this is something true in both an evolutionary and cultural sense. Now I don't think it really is the same so much if by some weird anomaly the woman approaches, I still think gender roles play the most dominant factor in the power dynamic(which changes over time) as opposed to it simply being who chased who.