Drifting away

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Ahh, but that was not what I said. I said I don't know the difference between NT friendships and NT relationships. I know very well what the differences are between an ND friendship and an ND relationship, but you obviously don't (or don't care).



Given that you cannot explain what an NT friendship and an NT relationship are, and cannot tell me the differences in a way that is understandable, then I cannot see how NTs could possibly educate NDs about these issues. Clearly, you have no idea yourself and you are just going by your own instincts, and that is simply no good if you want to help NDs. I have a feeling that I, as an ND, need to figure out both how the ND preferences work and how the NT preferences work because NTs are totally clueless.



I cannot remember how many times people in L&D have gotten the advice to start a relationship with a friendship. Since this is not natural for NDs, it must come from NTs.

Or are you telling me that NTs cannot go from friendships to relationships? If you are, why on earth do we get all that bad advice then?



It came from an research article (by an NT) that claimed romantic relationships evolved as an exaptation of the infant-caregiver bonding mechanism, and that it then was modified by adding sex and mutual dependence instead of directional.

Are you saying he was wrong? Could you tell me why NTs bond with dating? Surely it isn't the cultural script itself, so then it probably is sex?



I think you have it all wrong. As an ND, I have no benefit from an NT-style friendship, and I certainly am not missing anything significant by not involving in NT friendships. It is YOU that is missing something by not being able to participate in a friendship ND-style. It's your loss, not ours.

The reason I say this is because you are able to adapt to an ND style friendship (if you want to), because it is similar to an acquantance, but as an ND, I simply cannot do close NT friendships because I don't bond with friends like NTs do. If you want a strong bond, you need to go for a relationship, not a friendship.

Last edited by rdos on 11 Aug 2017, 5:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I mean no offense, but your friends are ignorant. They have the same perspective you are working from so they misinterpret him the same as you are. Just try trusting what he tells you and concentrate on how well you get along when you spend time with him. Remember, you both are operating on different sets of information, his reality is not your own and mistakes and misunderstands are bound to happen.

Imhere entirely up to you if you engage with rdos but suffice to say he has unique perspectives and from what I have been able to gauge, is usually overfond of *leading* discussions down the ND v NT merry-go-round.
I'll sum it up for you tho, to save him the bother.
NDs only suffer because they try to live according to NT rules. They have their own rules, if they would but let rdos guide them to it.
Or some such.

This goes both ways. If you dropped the superiority complex, you might see it. Then again it's your loss, not mine.

Blackimenace and this is exactly what I try to do . . . .now if I were as ignorant as my friend I would believe her . . .i don't if you read carefully . . .. however this is the crux of the problem, and always will be.

We continue to find our way forward. . . .. and I'm still here and all the time he reaches out to me, and lets me know he wants our friendship it will continue. . . . . I still worry he will forget about me at some point for too long a time and we will have drifted apart. . .. .

For information my friend was married to a ND man for many years . . . .. . . I feel she is too tough on him personally. She thinks I am too lenient in my acceptance of my friend. . .. . .. .

I think you are basically right. It is the problems of sharing emotions between NDs and NTs that causes all of these issues. It is not a specific "dysfunction" in the ND brain because I'm hypersensitive to emotions from NDs. It's the NT way I cannot handle naturally, and especially not when things are online. That's why ND-NT interactions need to be very concrete. You need to ask NDs explicitly how they feel, tell them how you feel and what you need. Something NTs don't need to do between themselves, and NDs don't need to do that either between themselves.

Not, it doesn't. I cannot do NT style close friendships. NTs can do ND style friendships if they want to.

You are not helping or contributing positively to this discussion rdos. The whole point is what we, as NTs, feel when trying to be friends with an aspie that we care about and how that leaves us feeling unfulfilled and we don't know what to do. We do not want to be mere acquaintances, which is what you seem to say is our only option and we are to be happy with that because you say so. Just stop. You do not understand, you misinterpreted most of what was said, you are a self-proclaimed expert on ND relationships, and you are pushing your own agenda into a NT/Aspie argument. No one wants to see that crap. We are all here and learning from each other. Some of the Aspies here have said they appreciate the NT perspective because it helps them understand where they may have had problems with NTs. And, by the way, NTs make up the vast majority of the population of the planet that all of us, NT and Aspie, have to interact with every single day of our lives! So you cannot live in a vacuum in a perfect ND-only space. And no offense to all the wonderful people here, but you are wrong, Asperger's IS very much a disability, by it's very definition!! And some of us love you regardless!! And in some cases, it is the very nature of some of a person's individualized aspie traits that we love about you!!

NT - NT friendships . .. . Ok so I have lots of friends . .. . .. a friend is someone I would arrange to meet with, we would have each other's telephone number, we know a fair amount about each other's personal life and we have interests in common.

I have different friends I do different things with . . . .so I have my party friends . . ..they will call me up and invite me to parties, or gatherings and we will go to festivals,together. We have fun and good times. Outside of these events we may contact each other sporadically just to check everything ok
I have work friends - these are colleagues I get on with well. So we will talk about issues in our lives, issues in work. We will have each other's phone numbers and may chat via whatsapp etc a fair bit

Long term friends . .. .friends I have known for many many years . .. . .we don't have to see each other very often of speak very often. We know we will always be there for each other. Some of my long term friends live in other countries so they will always contact me when they are over here, we will meet up and spend hours chatting as if we had only seen each other the day before. I consider these people true friends

Then we have a small collection of people whom i feel really "get" me they understand how I tick . .. . They can often see why I am doing something in a certain way before I realise. We can have really deep conversations about almost any subject. We share the same outlook and philosophy on life. These are the people I can feel completely comfortable with.

Not sure if that helps . .. .

Anna. I think it's human nature to enjoy challenges. This man presents a challenge. The challenge itself probably adds vitality to your relationship with him.

What would happen if he, all of a sudden, catered to your every whim?

You're right Kraftie . . .. I do enjoy the challenge . . .. . .but it's a challenge I will never win I know that. Knowing and really believing that he cares for me is the crux of the problem, as I think is the crux of majority of NT - ND relationships, whether strong friendships or romance.

Then what's the problem? Honestly you're not making any sense.

Anyway, friendships may drift part, it happens in life, not just a AS/NT thing.

Btw, friendships between males, even between NT males lack all these "emotions" you are talking about.

NT Men don't share emotions between them as well.

Norah Vincent discovered that in her 18 months experiment living as a man in disguise, but she did discover that men do open up emotionally to women way more often, but never to other men.

OP, maybe he just treats you like a male friend. lol

Not always true, but it's definitely more common among men to be emotionally repressed.

OK, that's at least a fair starting point. The problem with your take on this is that you don't want to listen to NDs about how they view friendships and relationships, and you assume it is all the fault of the ND that you feel unfulfilled, and you have no role in this. That kind of reasoning won't get you anywhere.



You fail to understand that people have no control of how and with whom they bond. You cannot just decide to get a strong emotional bond with somebody. It's outside of your control. And what I've been trying to tell you now multiple times is that NDs don't bond naturally with friends, only with love interests. This is not something you can learn, fake or cope with.



You fail to understand that I have a very popular test, and have researched these issues on large populations. I KNOW how attachment builds in NDs vs NTs, and I even have a paper on peer-review about that. While you are hearing the opinions of a few self-selected individuals on a forum, I base my claims on large populations.



You don't need to get passed the acquaintance stage with your typical social contacts, like colleges and people you know from activities.