Being friends after a breakup

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rdos - I'd just like to mention that I think you have a strong grasp on the ND relationship aspects.

Yeah, I do.

I don't want to though.

It grew slowly. It was always confusing. Like I met up with a friend to go out and he joined us and I felt different when he walked into the room. But I don't know in what way. We hardly knew each other then, but it was a vibe in the air, not really a physical thing. I was too giggly all evening.

And another time we met up with friends. I was really teasing him. And I stopped and thought, "what are you doing hurtloam, you're not normally like this". That was a little later on when we knew each other a bit better.

I still feel lots of colours and vibes around him. They are not all good colours. A lot of the time it's like a storm cloud.

I hate it. I wish it would go away. I'm thinking I might just start avoiding him. But i dont want to lose the friendship. It's annoying...

gosh i sound very mature </sarcasm>

You sound like a natural woman to me. (As in your experiences seem natural).

Feelings are so stupid. He doesn't care about me the same way, I wish I could just switch the feelings off. Instead I wake up crying at 2am.

I feel like I've got this pain constantly living inside of me and it won't go away.

Time does heal. xx. It may take a while... But eventually it does heal. You are soo precious! Take it easy.

How common is the above among autistic men? I was under the impression that the majority of autistic men have pretty much the same kind of sex drive as most other men, although a disproportionately large minority -- but still a minority -- of autistic men are gay/bisexual/asexual and/or have "kinky" tastes.


Well it would be disgusting if there isn't any mutual attraction. My statement assumes that there is at least some mutual attraction. Also I was not necessarily talking about "sexual intercourse" (PIV) but whatever kind of erotic activity the people are into, which might be PIV, might be something else.

Or are you speaking of "disgust" on a deeper level? For example, are friendships and erotic/romantic relationships such utterly distinct categories in your mind that the idea of combining them grosses you out the same way most people are grossed out by the idea of incest?


Unfortunately, unrequited crushes seem to be a big problem for a lot of autistic people, both men and women, according to accounts I've read both here on Wrong Planet and on various blogs by autistic people. I've seen crushes described as "having a person as your special interest," with the implication that getting over a crush is much harder for an autistic person than it is for an NT. Even NTs can have great difficulty with this. (I feel very lucky I don't have this problem because I don't have crushes on people in the first place.)


What empirical evidence?


It seems to happen a lot these days, from what I've heard.


Though they generally don't involve "talk about feelings," friendships among those (relatively few these days) NT men who have participated in traditional male bonding rituals do go deeper than just "ways to climb in the social hierarchy (networking)" (although the latter is an important part of it). Ditto for the gender-independent fellowship fostered by some religious and spiritual groups.

Thus, among NTs, both male-to-male and male-to-female friendships can be deliberately and successfully fostered by groups, even if they aren't something that people would spontaneously seek out on their own. There are well-known traditional ways of doing this for NTs. It would behoove us to figure out how to do something similar for autistic people.


A counter-example I have observed: An all-male clique of very high-functioning Aspies who run the Aspies for Social Success group here in NYC. (There used to be a woman involved in the group's leadership too, but she has moved on.)


So we agree that mixed-gender friendships do exist among NDs. What is your impression of what mixed-gender friendships among NDs tend to be like?


They might not translate spontaneously, but there might be ways to make them translate, deliberately, without going against autistic people's nature. I sure hope so, at least.

Anyhow, to answer your question:

When I was in my twenties and thirties, my circle of friends consisted primarily of bisexual women, plus some lesbians, heterosexual women, heterosexual men, and bisexual men. Most of my friends were involved in the S&M (as it was then called) and/or polyamory scenes. In retrospect I strongly suspect that many (though not all) of my friends were autistic or otherwise neurodivergent.

Currently I'm in a monogamous, relatively non-kinky relationship with a man, but I still retain much of the ethos of the bi/poly/kinky world. I think it would be great if the hetero/monogamous/vanilla world could adopt some aspects of that ethos, some (though not all) of which could make it a LOT easier for people to find healthy, satisfying, stable committed relationships!

But it won't go away. No one ever likes me. I always get passed over for someone better. I'll always have this emptiness and no one will ever love me. It stays with me year after year after year.

I think your major concern right now should be with your own well-being rather than the friendship which I feel is secondary. I don't think you can handle being friends with this guy you have a crush on right now unless there is some possibility he will get mutual feelings for you.

I never really had crushes either. They were women I liked but it wasn't really a crush. More like they seem nice & we might be compatible kinda thing. However I fell VERY HARD for a celebrity 10 years ago. She's definitely been a special interest & still is. There were a couple times when the crush obsession faded. It faded when I got my 2nd girlfriend & our relationship lasted a little over half a year. My crush obsession on Miranda came back after my 2nd girlfriend broke up with me. It faded again for like the 1st two years I was with my current girlfriend but the crush obsession eventually came back just as strong as before. I'm not sure why it came back. I really love my girlfriend & I'm still in love with her. I started OCD medication shortly after my 2nd girlfriend broke up with me cuz I realized my bad OCD was a factor in the breakup as well as the breakup with my 1st girlfriend. My OCD improved a bit but didn't make much difference with my crush obsession on Miranda. I started an antipsychotic a couple years ago hoping it would help with the crush obsession(there has been some question as to if I was slightly delusional) but it didn't make a difference. I kinda wonder if ECT would help but I cant get that so at this point I just kinda have to accept that this is something I'll have to live with

No possibility.

I don't want to be left out of things our friends organise though simply because I'm not mature enough to get over it.

I think it is hard to tell. It's a lot more acceptable for a woman than a man to be asexual, and so this will make more autistic men claim they are sexual just to fit in. I don't know if this can explain the factor two of ND women vs ND men identifying as asexual, but it certainly explains part of it. Also, asexuality among NDs / autistics is not based on sex drive or sexual attraction, it's based on finding sexual intercourse gross and disgusting. It's an escape route so they don't need to have it, which is more attractive for women to use. I think part of being gay & bisexual is based on the same thing. At least the surplus of this in autistics & NDs.

So, my personal guess is that a considerable amount of autistics and NDs (possibly even a majority) have issues with the sexual behavior of NTs, but only a minority use various labels as escape routes while the rest suffer and try to adapt.



It's a bit like that, yes.

At least, it never happened that I got a romantic interest in a friend. Not that I have a lot of friends, but anyway.



Yes, it seems so. I can identify with having a crush as a special interest. Actually, I suspect the reason we have special interests relates to crushes and our relationship preferences.

OTOH, I cannot remember ever having a problem with having a crush on somebody. Every time I kept a crush there seemed to be some shared interest, and so we at least played the distance observation game for a while.

I remember one particular happening a couple of years ago when a woman on a train triggered a crush. I decided I wouldn't ever see her again, and so I didn't want the crush, and it disappeared within a week or so with no bad feelings.

Perhaps one of the differences between me and all the autistics that have problems with crushes is that I will be content with observing my crush from a distance (and indefinitely so), and I don't need to ask her out or get into a relationship with her. I don't have any expectations and just like to thrive on the good feelings the crush creates.



Might be possible. There probably are many ways to reach the goal of a relationship. As long as they work reasonably well, and aren't assumed to be suitable for everybody, I think I'm fine with that.



Of course. Most of my own friends are women, and I also know this through studies in Aspie Quiz.



We might not be so different after all. I've never been sexually attracted to men, but the other things like S&M and polyamory do interest me. One might say I'm currently polyamory.

I had an American country singer as my obsession during the 80s. I even went to Nashville three times just to see her at Fan Fair. I watched her television show many, many times and tried to get her records from the US. I can't say I had a crush on her though, only an obsession.

I cannot find the reason why you know this in the thread, but I suspect you have been rushing things again. I think you should not be so fast to ask guys "out", and just let them get a mutual interest before you do anything like that, or talk about romantic feelings. Especially since it is often assumed the guy will take the first step. It might be ok for a girl to take the first step if she knows there is a mutual interest, but otherwise, it is just a bad idea.

As I wrote before about crushes, I don't feel like I must ask a girl out, have sex or a relationship with her just because I have a crush. I prefer to just enjoy it as much as possible at a distance, and if I notice feelings are mutual, I might eventually take some step towards a relationship (or appreciate if she does).



But can't you just go to activities he is not attending or keep at a distance from him?

He asked me out after a year of getting to know me. He changed his mind and said he didn't want a romantic relationship with me and wanted to stay friends. He put a stop on things. That means no. No means no hope for the future. No point pining after someone who gave me a clear no.



We're not social very often in our little group of introverts, so any social activity is something I want to go to I don't want to make people take sides either by saying, "I'll only go if he's not going". That makes things awkward for anyone doing organising, do they invite me or do they invite him? I'm not causing that drama.

That's tough. So it was him that blew it.

Given that, I agree that there is no point anymore.

I don't agree with that last sentence. I think the reason many of us have special interests is simply because we have a tendency to focus our attention for longer periods of time than NT's do. And, if indeed it's true that autistic people tend to have more of a propensity for crushes than NTs do, it would be for the same reason.


You're very lucky.


Yep, that's a big difference between you and lots of other autistic people. Some autistic people are lucky enough to be emotionally self-sufficient like you apparently are, but many other autistic people, once they reach a certain age at least, strongly desire a close personal romantic relationship and feel very lonely without one.

In my opinion, those who feel lonely without a romantic relationship need to learn how to have strong platonic close friendships with people of both sexes, to take the edge off their loneliness. Otherwise, when seeking a romantic relationship, they will inevitably be desperate, which is commonly regarded as a big turnoff, especially in a heterosexual context.