Letting Go of A Toxic Relationship Kraftie, Was Right.

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As crazy as it sounds, I was secretly hoping that my ex-GF would have done something very serious like try to kill me so I could accept once and for all that she was nuts and it wasn't because I was a bad boyfriend that caused her to yell, scream and throw things at me. At least at that point you know you have to break it off rather than feel guilty for "abandoning" someone who is mentally ill. At the time I was more concerned about her potentially getting a criminal record than I was saving my own bacon.

Even though my wife is supportive and loving I can relate to the statement of being "too shell shocked" for a real relationship as past relationships and my abusive childhood have certainly had a significant negative effect on me.

I saw last last about 2 weeks ago, I won't be seeing him this weekend because we are celebrating my sons' birthday and he lives in the North so he is sleeping over with my grandkids for a couple of nights. He wanted to meet today instead of the weekend but I was teaching. I feel less intense and revved up if that makes any sense. I really understand what you and GiantHockeyFan are saying about wishing he would really go too far where there would be no going back, the problem is when he breaks my boundaries I make excuses. He doesn't scream or shout, he's not violent or abusive ( except when he loses his temper, rarely but it happens when texting only) but I feel a little "objectified." He is capable of incredible sensitivity though. I think that Sharon's comment about letting go of toxicity was relevant, I am closer to moving on, I feel less and less emotionally invested and I think that my therapist is naive to think that a person must be harmless if they are autistic. My friend is very much on the dark side sometimes. When I am angry it's harder to let go of him than when I'm calm. He is hooked on me and reluctant to end the relationship. He knows he has problems attaching and connecting, we talk about it all the time, I also do but we don't talk about me which suits me fine.
Kraftie I really wish the sex wasn't so bloody amazing . There I've said it. If it was bad I would have been gone a long time ago, we are so sexually compatible that it seems our communication doesn't require words at all. It's pure magic.

Teasing: Oh, so that's why my marriage has been (relatively) stable and lasted so long, we have "meh" sex.

It can be very complicated and messy when you end up with a highly compatible sexual partner that's not very compatible otherwise. But it's not that uncommon, strange how these things work.

love and affection are really more precious. Baboons probably have great sex also.

Addiction maybe? To the high feeling that blocks out the loneliness and gives an illusion of intimacy and being needed and desired? Dopamines and all sorts of hormones that give a sense of euphoria. Everything but an actual loving connection.

Damned oxytocin!

Yes magz I am totally absolved of responsibility, it's all the oxytoxin stuffs fault

Last edited by Teach51 on 28 Feb 2020, 4:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

It shall be called oxytoxin*

Sorry, my previous post disappeared.

Yeah, for sure that's part of it, especially since finding someone highly compatible in that way, two bodies that naturally communicate with little if any effort is not necessarily the norm. It can make you feel very close to someone.

I remember Stephen King writing somewhere that during the hardest year of his marriage they fought the most, talked to each other the least and had the most sex. It's not uncommon for couples to try to close a hiatus in communication through sex to keep the bond alive, but it's not sustainable on its own for long.

Well we have lasted 3.5 years so far. With the same level of intensity. It really has been great fun. I get hurt by his cluelessness, he doesn't do it intentionally.

That is my NT husband. He will say "I didn't mean to" (do something careless) and I reply "well, mean to!" (something careful). He's very kind but admits he's selfish. So perhaps a personality (or gender) thing there.

It’s great that the sex is great.

That gets rid of the stereotype that autistic people don’t make good lovers.

That is definitely a false stereotype. Not only did my first GF think I was lying to her about being a virgin because I was so skilled (i.e. no bad habits) but when I was younger I had a coworker who had an obvious-in-hindsight Autistic husband. She was very clear that they had major issues that eventually led to a divorce but he was an "amazing lover".

That sexual 'compatibility' can be like a drug, especially to a socially awkward loner like myself because I knew at the time I would never capture it again. I love my wife but she will never match how ridiculously uninhibited and down for anything the ex was. Too bad the "real" relationship flat out sucked.

If sex becomes your special interest it's a win win situation all round. My younger friends who are married to hitech guys say they are the best lovers, they take the trouble to figure how it all works. My generation missed out on so much, but this is not the adult forum so enough said. Feminism at least encouraged men to put more focus on female pleasure.