06 Dec 2020, 6:28 pm
06 Dec 2020, 6:38 pm
Donald Morton wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Donald Morton wrote:
Real and true love happens organically, not by choice or in the hope that love will grow over time. To say that someone is stable and reliable is not the same as love, then to choose to make a commitment most times leads to disappointment by both. I made of choice to do just that with disastrous results.
Yup, I know a few couples like that. One friend confessed to me that she's never been in love, but she was getting older and he was the only relatively, stable guy who showed any interest. They've been married for years.
I have a tendency to hyper focus on the bad experiences and it really puts me off marriage. How do you know who the good stories really are? They could be lying to save face. Maybe no one is happy.
Marriage is bad, lonliness is bad. Everything is bad.
Marriage is over-rated. Monogamy takes some of the enjoyment out of being alive.
You are all entitled to your own opinion...Especially, if your have solid arguments...On the same token, i must contradict you...For i have been blessed to know personally many, many happy couples who have been happily married for many years...Believe me when i ascertain that true love exists...And never fails...
06 Dec 2020, 6:39 pm
Mountain Goat wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I'm actually better suited to manogomy ironicaly. The thing I hate about dating is always having to meet new people and try to get to know them. It burns me out. Especially when I'm constantly not clicking with people. It's exhausting. I just want one person I can trust.
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
If you find you are not clicking with people, the chances are that they are not the right person for you? Maybe you have just not found the right man yet?
... ... ...
Thank you, for your perspective...I second you on it
06 Dec 2020, 6:48 pm
hurtloam wrote:
I'm actually better suited to manogomy ironicaly. The thing I hate about dating is always having to meet new people and try to get to know them. It burns me out. Especially when I'm constantly not clicking with people. It's exhausting. I just want one person I can trust.
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
... ... ...
I totally get you...In my younger years, i was not short in opportunities...And even as i got older, i still had options...Yet, despite not lacking in compatibility, love would not 'happen' for me...Why things were different with my beloved husband...???...That i cannot explain in logical terms...Looking back, i am beyond grateful that those prospects never materialized...Because, i simply cannot imagine myself with anybody other than my beloved (Aspie) husband...
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,907
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
06 Dec 2020, 6:59 pm
06 Dec 2020, 7:03 pm
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
On some level, we choose, otherwise we would be marrying emus, kangaroos and koalas. 
... ... ...
LOL
...Or fish and skunks... Feel free to dump you gorgeous human husband for a skunk, any time you wish, but don't expect me to PM you with the request.
... ... ...
You are hilarious
Some people feel that way.
Some people don't get me.
Some people have a problem with my style, but it isn't common.
I am glad, for your sake, that you can appreciate my brilliance.
... ... ...
You are BRILLIANT, indeed
...And i don't use this word lightly...You remind of my best male friend (before my husband)...He is INTJ like you though not Aspie...Ironically, i do not consider my husband my best friend...(My mother is)...I need to experience a meeting of the minds in order to consider someone my best friend...And that has only happened two or three times in my lifetime...
06 Dec 2020, 7:06 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
Maybe a bit of both, like you choose who you continue to associate and maybe the sort of people you are willing to meet and what not. But I certainly don't think you can like make yourself fall in love, I think it kind of just has to happen naturally. Like felt pretty natural with me and my boyfriend, we really just clicked and 5 years later we still have a close relationship.
I mean say there were some reasons we decided it wouldn't work out between us, its not impossible the same thing couldn't have happened with someone else. Also like sure there are some differences between my boyfriend and whatever vauge idea I had of the perfect boyfriend...but did not stop the feelings I got. I do worry some people may get too stuck on some fantasy idea of who they want and then could end up rejecting actual good partners because they don't quite fit. Like Idk I have thought long hair looks good on guys, well my boyfriends got receding hair and can't really just grow out long thick hair...if that had been a dealbreaker for me I would have missed out on a really good relationship over hair, which seems quite silly.
I mean say there were some reasons we decided it wouldn't work out between us, its not impossible the same thing couldn't have happened with someone else. Also like sure there are some differences between my boyfriend and whatever vauge idea I had of the perfect boyfriend...but did not stop the feelings I got. I do worry some people may get too stuck on some fantasy idea of who they want and then could end up rejecting actual good partners because they don't quite fit. Like Idk I have thought long hair looks good on guys, well my boyfriends got receding hair and can't really just grow out long thick hair...if that had been a dealbreaker for me I would have missed out on a really good relationship over hair, which seems quite silly.
... ... ...
Great insight...I agree completely...100%...
Post Script: I was so naive that i actually had a list of requirements...Like a check list...Yet, when i met my husband that list was totally obsolete!! !...And i broke my own rules...This is why i insist that there are many factors out of our control when falling in love...Maybe this is what the phrase itself means "to fall in love"...Because nobody in their right mind chooses to fall...
06 Dec 2020, 7:55 pm
hurtloam wrote:
Yeah I can't see myself ever swooning over someone who isn't right for me again.
When I was younger I fell head over heels for some totally inappropriate men and didn't know how to cope with it. These feelings were intense and they (the feelings) chose me rather than me choosing them.
I think as you get older, you get used to the stupid hormone rush and can put it to one side and get on with life if the feelings aren't useful or aren't going anywhere i.e. someone is already married.
You can stop feelings, but you can't make them grow when you want them to if there is no spark.
When I was younger I fell head over heels for some totally inappropriate men and didn't know how to cope with it. These feelings were intense and they (the feelings) chose me rather than me choosing them.
I think as you get older, you get used to the stupid hormone rush and can put it to one side and get on with life if the feelings aren't useful or aren't going anywhere i.e. someone is already married.
You can stop feelings, but you can't make them grow when you want them to if there is no spark.
... ... ...
You are on to something, here...
I love your example of suddenly feeling a chemistry with the wrong person...As in the case of someone who is already married...Of course, we would not cultivate such a feeling...We would hope to be strong enough to walk away...I am finally beginning to understand...So, after all that has been said, i stand corrected...And i now know that there is some degree of "choice", consciously or not...Thank you for your insight...
07 Dec 2020, 4:52 am
Mountain Goat wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I'm actually better suited to manogomy ironicaly. The thing I hate about dating is always having to meet new people and try to get to know them. It burns me out. Especially when I'm constantly not clicking with people. It's exhausting. I just want one person I can trust.
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
If you find you are not clicking with people, the chances are that they are not the right person for you? Maybe you have just not found the right man yet?
I think that's quite blindingly obvious
07 Dec 2020, 5:54 am
07 Dec 2020, 6:08 am
hurtloam wrote:
Pepe wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I'm actually better suited to manogomy ironicaly. The thing I hate about dating is always having to meet new people and try to get to know them. It burns me out. Especially when I'm constantly not clicking with people. It's exhausting. I just want one person I can trust.
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
And *that* is why it is a *conscious* decision to fall in luv with someone.
The *key* ingredient in the initiation of a luving relationship is reciprocity.
If you fall in "luv" with someone who does return affectionate feelings, it isn't "luv", it is limerence/infatuation.
Hence the involvement of choice.
Luv, or limerence.
Name your poison.
That doesn't make any sense.
You forgot to add 2 words: "To me."
What part doesn't make sense?
07 Dec 2020, 6:17 am
Clueless2017 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
On some level, we choose, otherwise we would be marrying emus, kangaroos and koalas.
... ... ...
LOL
...Or fish and skunks... Feel free to dump you gorgeous human husband for a skunk, any time you wish, but don't expect me to PM you with the request.
... ... ...
You are hilarious
Some people feel that way.
Some people don't get me.
Some people have a problem with my style, but it isn't common.
I am glad, for your sake, that you can appreciate my brilliance.
... ... ...
You are BRILLIANT, indeed :idea:
...And i don't use this word lightly...You remind of my best male friend (before my husband)...He is INTJ like you though not Aspie...Ironically, i do not consider my husband my best friend...(My mother is)...I need to experience a meeting of the minds in order to consider someone my best friend...And that has only happened two or three times in my lifetime... I hope you realise I am using "satire".
I enjoy the absurdity of strutting around like an intellectual peacock.
There is a secondary benefit in joking around as I do.
That involves self-induced positive thinking programming.
07 Dec 2020, 6:25 am
Pepe wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Pepe wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I'm actually better suited to manogomy ironicaly. The thing I hate about dating is always having to meet new people and try to get to know them. It burns me out. Especially when I'm constantly not clicking with people. It's exhausting. I just want one person I can trust.
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
And *that* is why it is a *conscious* decision to fall in luv with someone.
The *key* ingredient in the initiation of a luving relationship is reciprocity.
If you fall in "luv" with someone who does return affectionate feelings, it isn't "luv", it is limerence/infatuation.
Hence the involvement of choice.
Luv, or limerence.
Name your poison.
That doesn't make any sense.
You forgot to add 2 words: "To me."
What part doesn't make sense?
Is there a typo. You say reciprocation is important then say:
Quote:
If you fall in "luv" with someone who does return affectionate feelings, it isn't "luv", it is limerence/infatuation.
do you mean doesn't.
07 Dec 2020, 6:42 am
Clueless2017 wrote:
... ... ...
Great insight...I agree completely...100%...
Post Script: I was so naive that i actually had a list of requirements...Like a check list...Yet, when i met my husband that list was totally obsolete!! !...And i broke my own rules...This is why i insist that there are many factors out of our control when falling in love...Maybe this is what the phrase itself means "to fall in love"...Because nobody in their right mind chooses to fall...
Great insight...I agree completely...100%...
Post Script: I was so naive that i actually had a list of requirements...Like a check list...Yet, when i met my husband that list was totally obsolete!! !...And i broke my own rules...This is why i insist that there are many factors out of our control when falling in love...Maybe this is what the phrase itself means "to fall in love"...Because nobody in their right mind chooses to fall...
I hope you aren't making the assumption that everyone thinks the way you do.
Consider, this is overwhelmingly a community of autistic people.
Yes, there are many factors involved in forming a relationship, but you have to consider the element of "experience" also.
The first time I fell in love, I had no way of knowing what was happening to me, since it was all new.
I had no defences.
As a result, there was little control/choice, for me, in any case, but later I was in a position where I could be more discriminating and have a better ability to manage these feelings.
They call "Puppy Luv", puppy luv for a reason.
I believe we are *not* discussing that.
Or are we?
07 Dec 2020, 6:44 am
hurtloam wrote:
Pepe wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Pepe wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I'm actually better suited to manogomy ironicaly. The thing I hate about dating is always having to meet new people and try to get to know them. It burns me out. Especially when I'm constantly not clicking with people. It's exhausting. I just want one person I can trust.
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
That's why I chose the option that you can't choose who you love. I'd have chosen a logical partner by now, but there's more to it. They've got to have feelings for you for a start. I can't find one of those let alone multiples lol
And *that* is why it is a *conscious* decision to fall in luv with someone.
The *key* ingredient in the initiation of a luving relationship is reciprocity.
If you fall in "luv" with someone who does return affectionate feelings, it isn't "luv", it is limerence/infatuation.
Hence the involvement of choice.
Luv, or limerence.
Name your poison.
That doesn't make any sense.
You forgot to add 2 words: "To me."
What part doesn't make sense?
Is there a typo. You say reciprocation is important then say:
Quote:
If you fall in "luv" with someone who does return affectionate feelings, it isn't "luv", it is limerence/infatuation.
do you mean doesn't.
Yes, you are right.
I meant "doesn't".
I make that mistake a lot, actually, but usually, pick it up when I re-read.
Thank you for pointing it out.
07 Dec 2020, 7:29 am
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